hypatia42

I joined weight watchers yesterday. Today I heard the song "Starting Over" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Made me tear up and feel better about myself all at once. One day at a time.

I remember this feeling from before. Constantly leaking energy to think about food. Forcing myself to eat enough food. Knowing that those extra calories will help me lose the weight I want to lose again. It feels weird tho. I don't generally make poor food choices. I'm just not good at remembering to eat. I don't like having to devote that much energy and thought to it.

My body is telling me to suck it up and devote that energy anyway. Be mindful of what you put into your mouth.

I'm finding that I really like the feeling I get after eating avocados. I'm mixing them into all kinds of things lately. Kinda like potato salad but ...different?

Major storm system moving through. :)

Pepper annoys me. She's a bully. She's mouthy. I don't like her. I am going to try Feliway to see if both of them will chill out a bit. I don't want to dislike one of my cats. How long does the transition stuff generally take?

last night I performed a fire ritual asking for healthy sustaining community. I need people around me who can help me meet my needs. Right now I don't have that. I don't know how to achieve it. So I released it and will see what comes back.

I dreamed of my ex the other night and wasn't troubled by the experience. Something major has shifted. Granted, my dreams have been truly bizarre lately. But it feels nice to know that fear is gone. :) I suppose it is likely that all of these things are coming together at once for a reason.

I have let go of all aspects of self doubt that I have access to
I have let go of my ability to have an inaccurate self image
I have let go of the ability to eat thoughtlessly
I welcome healthy sustaining community

I enjoyed myself. No really. I spread the love of whipped cream all over the con, or at least the inside of my elbows for the con goers. There was punch and pie to be had. People who don't know me well continued the trend of assuming I am intoxicated at parties. They are still wrong. My first full con working as a Seamstress with the approval of Madame Palm and the whole of the Guild. That was fun.

The reason it wasn't what I needed just now is that I need to be touched. There was touching going on. But most of the touching going on was people trolling for sexual partners for the weekend. One guy even went so far as to say, I'm not allowed to do anything with anyone who lives in the Twin Cities. *headdesk moment* If that doesn't mostly sum up the weekend I'm not sure what does. Feels a bit like, "You're no use to me because I can't have sex with you."

There was one guy I was making blush all weekend cause I could. I think he was a little afraid of me at first. If I took a step forward he would take one back. I was wondering how far he would go but decided that it would be mean to find out. Falling down the stairs being a not nice thing after all. He acted like a boy. He was 33.

I was asked to scare and "break in" another 20 year old. Turns out the guy that asked me to do this didn't know the actually 22 year old as well as he thought he did. Way more mature than the 33 year old. Not really scare-able. Had fun chatting with him though. And making him eat pie with his punch. And whipped cream. :)

I feel like my true victory of the weekend was a con-virgin brought in by another Seamstress. Approximately 24 hours did it take before he came far enough outside his fortress that he felt he could poke me in the back. We spent much time giggling and poking each other the rest of Sat night and into Sunday morning. He describes his fortress as having one small wooden door that he usually can't find the key to. I wanna send him a small skeleton key so he doesn't loose it again. He's another on the list of people I can tickle! Hehehehe.

I am definitely noticing that I am going without my needs being met for too long in between. Long slow starvation instead of absolutely nothing. Like a house plant that gets watered occasionally will loose leaves one at a time until there are none left rather than wilting all at once. I know why its happening. I've agreed to it. I've put myself in this situation. I do need to address the too long in between thing though.