hypatia42

after an email from my half-aunt I am left feeling bereft of my niece and wondering if I will be 75 when I finally get the chance to reconnect with her. How interesting the patterns than families repeat though they do not know them.

So many of my children are hurting or in flux right now and I am powerless to do anything about it save keep loving them and letting them know that it is unconditional.

I have a list of people I want to get into a car with a red and black aluminum baseball bat, drive to their house and beat into hamburger. I don't know that I would really feel better but I'm pretty sure that my children would be safer and the world would be a better place.

*sobbing*

S looks so much like me.

Apparently rheumatoid problems and fibro run in my family. I never knew.

Nite folks. I'm for sleep. Can't brain any longer.

I can say this here because I believe that none of the kids I know read this.

I hate teenagers. I hate the disrespect. I hate the firm belief that they know everything, that they are invincible, and that they will live forever. I hate the arrogance of youth. I hate the fact that some people never grow out of it.

I don't have kids. I imagine I would survive if I did but this is one of many reasons that I don't. Oh dear god I cannot stand them.

Individual teenagers that are cool do not make up for the bulk of them that are more irritating that I care to deal with. Smacking them upside the head doesn't actually accomplish anything. I have better things to do with my hands at this point.

It came up in conversation earlier today that teenagers gave me the nickname "Sister Williams" in high school. Cause I would eventually go into a convent, never find a boyfriend or get married cause no one would ever want me. Teenagers were wrong. Those same teenagers are now adults, some with teenagers of their own, and most are boring excuses for grownups. Part of me wonders if I didn't grow up interesting to spite them. No better revenge than living well. :)

This whole line of thought brought to you by Niece. By the time she out grows this phase of her life I should be much better at it so that when the rest of the kids get there I'll handle it with better grace. *sigh* I don't actually hate her. Her behaviors and mannerisms and the airs she puts on are really what I hate. Its a waste of energy. Trying to let her have her space to learn the lessons she needs to learn at her own pace. Trying to let her have the ability to fall down on her face and break a couple of teeth or bones or... Sadly its is a delicate balance between giving them enough rope to hang themselves and teaching them that using that rope really does end their life. And she's not my kid. I can't protect her. I wouldn't if she were. But I would damn well make sure that she KNEW I would be there to help her up and clean off the blood. And that is not something she has been given.

please don't grow up like I did. I want so much more from you than the treatment I received. I know its hard to believe in your own worth. It took me about 28 years to figure it out. I will believe in you when you can't. I will love you no matter what mistakes you have made trying to figure things out. When things get too hard, reach out to me and I will be there for you. I will help you make the space you need to rest before heading back into the fray. The world is so much bigger than you think it is and there are so many more people out there that will treat you well. There is no reason to pander to people that treat with you one ounce less respect than you deserve.

I remember being bullied. I remember what that bully said, "Because I can." I remember what the teacher said, "Don't let it bother you." I will listen. I will believe you. I believe you are worth more than you ever dreamed possible. You think I am the coolest auntie ever, just wait til you grow up and I will be the one impressed with how much you have accomplished. Growing up sucks. It gets better. You have to still be around to see it. Its worth the wait.

I love you.