hypatia42

I am starting to see myself as an artist. Its funny to think that because arguably I have been for a long time. I have been doing photography since I was 14. Still miss my old film camera but I digress. I am hanging photography at a local art event called Art A Whirl. I have committed to making three new contacts for photography sales in the next 6 months. Pretty sure I can do this thing. I need a few more supplies and to be honest, a better place to have my prints made but I am making it happen. www.amywilliamsscott.com is my portfolio. I suck at web design but I've got some presence.

I often see myself as as undesirable or broken simply because of how many people don't want to be my partner after getting to know me a bit, or a lot. Its stupid. I get that. I have the most amazing husband I could ever wish for. I have a PIC that goes out of his way to make me feel loved and wanted in his life. I have a wife who I love dearly. I have a lover who I miss and who misses me when either of us have time to stop and think about it. Thing is, the only one of those anywhere near me is the husband who travels for work and needs more alone time than I do where as I get more alone time than he does. Not a good combo for feeling whole and healthy and desirable. Add to that, I have no earthly clue how to date. I can flirt. But finding people to date just to see if we are compatible? Mostly if I have gone out with someone it is because I already know we are compatible. I don't know how to find people. I don't know how to do this. I know it requires meeting new people which I am generally good at but here in MN it is just not easy.

I need more sunlight than I get. Realizing how much more energy and vitality I had in D.C. where it was sunny the entire time we were there has left me feeling like I should be moving south. I just felt so much better. Tanning really doesn't fix the problem, it just prevents me from having to deal with it for a while.

Many people don't get or forget that they knew that just because I am a being of light doesn't mean I am harmless. Light burns. I reminded a friend the other day, "Blood doesn't bother me. You are talking to the woman who chose coagulated blood as the inspiration for the dining room wall color." It made me giggle. Like the bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Ash saw it immediately *sigh* and that sends me back to feeling like I am undesirable. I haven't heard from him in weeks. Thinking I just need to cut loose on that one. His words and his actions are not matching up. I can be very understanding about crazy ass schedules but really, total lack of communication is not sustainable.

I got crowned May Queen at Beltane. Kind of a little trippy. Don't believe I have held that job before. I was given the job of finding my joy and being wild again. Break the rules. Let go and have fun. Interestingly, the day I get this is the day I learn PIC will be in town for a month. I might actually get to see him and spend time with him.

So today I made candles with a bit of help and a lot of stubborn. 12 hours I was on my feet. In this instance stubborn might be equated with stupid. W and Pixie child helped.

I have three totes of candle making supplies. One for tools, one for wax, and one that has both. It is serious tetris skills to get it all to fit. I cannot carry them any longer. This is not a hobby that I can do by myself. Everyone knows I do it and gives me their leftover wax. But no one wants to help make it into not leftover wax. Its is physically hard on me.

I looked at W at one point and asked her, "everyone else is content to buy candles. Why is this so important to me?"
W says, "Because you are the light."

Now this is something that she has been saying to me for years because I said something like it a long long time ago. I think at the time she was appalled but now it just is the way it is. I'm a torch. Ok. But dammit, it is easier to be that when there are more around to light the way with me. It is bloody tiring. Not to mention those people who think stubbing their toes in the darkness is tres cool and that I am a simpering idiot for choosing paganism lite. Can't hack the darkness. *eyeroll*

I think I am tired. We are coming up on the hardest time of year for me. Imbolc to Ostara is always the darkest time. Snowy, cloudy, wet, and cold. I will survive. I always do. But going into it already spent is non-ideal. Luckily my Imbolc present will be to get my freedom from teh boot.

BOOT!