hypatia42

https://www.gofundme.com/9f6kt4-get-back-up-again is the GoFundMe.

For those who prefer direct: paypal.me/amywilliamsscott gets it to me and I will apply it all to her account.

While we were gone to KC for Christmas we paid a friend to paint the interior second floor of our house. It never got completely finished from when we started ~9 years ago. All kinds of health issues were cause by that but we came home and it was done. The living room is a lovely spring-like green which the Honey will eventually get used to. The dining room is still red but it is a lighter color and not as reflective. The kitchen is a beautiful nautical dark blue, not navy. The little mudroom is a pale aqua called Tidewater. All of the trim and the soon-to-be-ex office is all an off white called Marshmallow. It looks so much brighter and more vibrant in here. I love it. I also love the fact that it is done.

Mom started the next round of chemo, Taxol this time. It has completely different side effects and things to deal with. This time it is a weekly infusion. Really not fun times. She's doing okay mentally for now. She had three weeks off in December where she got to feel more normal than she has for months. I think it helped.

I find myself in need of a sewing machine. Among other things. But there are priorities ahead of that. So I go sewing over at a friend's house on the regular.

My word for the year this year is movement. I need to get up and move more. I hurt a lot but really, moving gently and constantly will improve that. I have the capacity. My word last year was Health. The year certainly made me face some health things in myself and others that I didn't expect. I think I'm on the road to better health. Here's to moving more.

I was going to visit Vegas next weekend with friends but it got canceled a while back, then re-planned after I had made other plans. I'm going to visit friends in FL. I will see the sun. I will be surrounded by loved ones and FoC. It will be good for me. I need to figure out what all to take with me. Hooray for Silver status!!

Friday I started taking adderall. My friend calls them brain goggles and hereafter I will refer to them thusly. Because it amuses me to great degree.

Brain goggles were apparently what was necessary. Monday was my psych appointment and his words were to the effect of, "You have this underlying neurological condition. Any stress that comes along is going to make it more difficult to deal with that. Like having asthma and then getting a cold, we have to give you a different inhaler. Well you are going through what amounts to a nasty case of influenza." He also told me that he deals with two types of people, one that is having problems with their perceptions of situations and the other is dealing with overwhelming factual situations. He helped me feel like it was okay to be overwhelmed. I needed that. I have a lot of follow-up work to do but I am glad I am getting help.

Mom developed mouth sores. She is beyond not thrilled. I scared she is going to stop eating. Nothing I can really do about that. Adjust your own mask first and all. She goes back in for her next infusion on Thursday. It is only going to get harder. I asked Keith to help her, to share with her the fight that he showed every day before he died. This morning her journal post was more forward thinking than I have seen her in a while. I wonder if giving her projects to do would help her think less about how miserable she is...

The drama on the B* lists is drama filled. I am managing to not get embroiled in it this time around, mostly due to being completely out of fucks to give. All of my fucks are reserved for life and death things right now. I hope I can remember this Zen feeling and harness it in the future. Truly the only thing that comes from the national lists is drama. I hope to see a day where that is no longer the case.

I really need a cuddle pile. I am obviously the wrong species. I read emails from people saying please don't touch me. Don't hug me unless I clear it first. I can't help but feel sorry for them. Humans were made for contact. More and more I feel like the outlier.

the tests from Monday came back negative. There do not appear to be cancer cells that have metastasized anywhere else. The port insertion on Friday went well. They used it Monday to put the contrast in for one of her tests. It apparently hurts to use it.

She is in a lot of pain pretty constantly. The expander space holders for her reconstruction are designed to stretch muscle under the skin so that they will have a place to put the prosthetics. I hope she can get herself through this. Come to find out she stopped taking her pain meds. Luckily the nurse told her to stop that. That she had enough to deal with right now and there was no reason to add recovery pain to that. I did tell her this weeks ago but the nurse has more pull than I do.

I am going to drive down to bring her some soup this weekend. I worry about her eating habits. She is thrilled she has lost so much weight in the past year but really its because she just isn't eating much anymore. She cannot do that in chemo. She can't. So I am taking things to her. I feel like there is so little else I can do.

The second memorial is done. The words have been posted elsewhere. I have a video file on my phone that I have no idea what to do with but I have it. It was beautiful. It was well attended. It was everything it needed to be. I sang. I didn't suck at it.

The sound system was ... problematic so I sang unaccompanied and unmic'd. I didn't suck at it. I missed his voice harmonizing with mine. I'm a soprano y'know so I'm always the one with the melody. I don't know how to harmonize. I will miss him.

He taught me that some people deserve another chance after they have had their three. He taught me that even unpleasant experiences are worth something. He taught me that lavishing love on others is wonderful. He taught me that taking care of my health is REALLY important.

After it was all over I broke down and sobbed. Like scary sobbing in the foyer. Someone asked where the Honey was and I just couldn't hold it together any longer. He was over the Atlantic on his way to Paris for the week. My 'mada came up to help me hold it together for a few days and then she has to head home.

I'm tired. I leave Monday to drive to KC to take care of Mom for two weeks. Michael flies to Denver that day. He is then traveling directly to KC to help out as well. I think I am going to continue to be tired for a while.

10 hours after getting home from onyxtwilight's grand sending off like a king of old my mom texted me to let me know that she has cancerous masses in both breasts. Nope. No more adulting was done that day.

I have very little information. My mom is rather intelligent about many things but she is not very educated about medical things. I hope she is able to take people with her to appointments who can translate over the next few weeks.