hypatia42

Same song, different verse.

The Honey's aunt had breast cancer years ago. Today we all found out that it is back. This woman is the reason I have the life I currently live. I never would have met the Honey without her.

I guess I'm not as shaken by this as I was about my mom. There's the part of my head that knows that time is a construct and I should be able to let this go but damnmit I want to be able to get through one crisis and be done with it for a bit before the next one hits. Life doesn't happen that way. Still wanna whine.

The Honey and I are scheduled to go on vacation in May. It will be good. It will be enough.*deep breath* We can face anything together.

I am barely keeping my head above water as I am treading. Barely but I am doing it. This is a nice change over the last year or so.

In May I am planning for Beltane, hanging my art at a local art festival and all the prep that requires, visiting KC for about a week for grad parties, ConQuest, and a birthday party, and then final prep for the Pirate Cruise. Honestly that is about three too many things for me t obe lead on and still keep track of everything. I feel like I'm losing track of things.

I am truly grateful that the Honey hears me when I say I am getting overwhelmed and helps me prioritize, organize, and stay on track. He really is amazing at helping me to see what the next step is and that even though I feel overwhelmed, I have what it takes to make everything work. Did I mention blessed?

Getting ready for Art-A-Whirl means getting business cards, website, portfolio, stock, etc... all ready to display on the 22nd of May. Kinda freaky. Feeling very imposter syndrome even though it was last year at this event wandering around thinking I am better than any photographer I saw displayed that put me on this path. I will get through this. I am good at what I do. What I do is different from what other people do. People want to see what I see and want to own copies of my visions. SMIB

Love!

While we were gone to KC for Christmas we paid a friend to paint the interior second floor of our house. It never got completely finished from when we started ~9 years ago. All kinds of health issues were cause by that but we came home and it was done. The living room is a lovely spring-like green which the Honey will eventually get used to. The dining room is still red but it is a lighter color and not as reflective. The kitchen is a beautiful nautical dark blue, not navy. The little mudroom is a pale aqua called Tidewater. All of the trim and the soon-to-be-ex office is all an off white called Marshmallow. It looks so much brighter and more vibrant in here. I love it. I also love the fact that it is done.

Mom started the next round of chemo, Taxol this time. It has completely different side effects and things to deal with. This time it is a weekly infusion. Really not fun times. She's doing okay mentally for now. She had three weeks off in December where she got to feel more normal than she has for months. I think it helped.

I find myself in need of a sewing machine. Among other things. But there are priorities ahead of that. So I go sewing over at a friend's house on the regular.

My word for the year this year is movement. I need to get up and move more. I hurt a lot but really, moving gently and constantly will improve that. I have the capacity. My word last year was Health. The year certainly made me face some health things in myself and others that I didn't expect. I think I'm on the road to better health. Here's to moving more.

I was going to visit Vegas next weekend with friends but it got canceled a while back, then re-planned after I had made other plans. I'm going to visit friends in FL. I will see the sun. I will be surrounded by loved ones and FoC. It will be good for me. I need to figure out what all to take with me. Hooray for Silver status!!

I'm doing better this year than I was last year. By this time last year Michael had been in Paris most of the year and I desperately needed support. Badly enough that I skipped town and went to stay with P&M for a long weekend.

This year my surgery recovery has been so different. I'm still in the boot, which I wasn't this time last year, but my range of motion is back and I don't typically have much pain. I got cleared last week to go swimming so I did that over the weekend. For the first time since before Thanksgiving I felt freedom of movement. Even with muscle atrophy I am still a stronger swimmer that the Honey. This makes us both laugh.

I need to work harder at remembering that he and I have very different strengths and weaknesses. His strengths often seem more applicable in day to day life but that doesn't mean I don't have any. Comparison is the thief of joy and all.

It has been sunny enough on some days that I am not completely losing my mind. I'm hoping I will be gone for the worst of it in March. Going to Hawai'i is a dream come true. I honestly never thought I would make it to a place in life where it was a possibility. I don't care that it is made possible by perks from Michael's work. I am still going. Doing what I can to not feel guilty about that too. Such a strange place in my head.

Small things bring me joy and that is really for the best. I just had ramen for the first time in Years. I don't know how many. Gluten Free ramen. I made the broth with chicken stock from my own freezer. Dear gods that was good. I should remember the brand...

Candle making is happening next weekend. I need to get things set up for that.

That's about it for now. Love.

I feel like everything in life has been hit with Calvin's transmogrify ray set to high. So many things changing. I think ultimately it will all be to the good but assimilation of the new patterns will likely take some time.

I lost my girl. Life has been filled with depression, crazy busy, and a profound sense of loss ever since. Figuring out how to deal with the loss of a familiar is ...words fail me. She did so much around here. I'm having to figure out what it all was and try to make up for the lack. I can't say that it has been graceful. I do think it is getting better.

I have another couple of months in my water year before I transition completely to earth. Its looking like those will be all about recovery. A broken ankle takes quite a bit of sit and recover. I start rehab next week. I know my ROM is getting better and the swelling is going down. I go see the ortho again next Monday and I get to tell him that the boot is too big now. Its almost too big to be effective except it still gives some support. I will see what he says. Tuesday is the first PT appt where I get assessed and I will find out what recovery looks like on that front. Daunting is the word.

It is daunting partly because the Honey is leaving Sunday for Paris. Gone for a week. I have no idea how things will turn out that week trying to get by on my own. One day at a time I guess. I do wish I had a remote to unlock the door so people would have an easier time visiting.

Business is completely on hold. Can't work. :-/ Not thrilled about it but I don't have much choice.

I did manage to travel quite a bit this year. I added Phoenix, Baltimore, and Key West to my list of places I have been.

Expressions of care and love have come from some unexpected places. I got a personal phone call rather than a mass message to notify me of something that is likely to change things radically is certain parts of my life. I got a gift mailed to me simply to lift my face into a smile. People I rarely see in person reached out to hold me exactly as I am and tell me that the reason I was worried they would be upset is one of the reasons they love me so much.

There have been plenty of reasons to feel down about this year. However, in the past month I have discovered I can't be depressed on narcotics. I am a much more functional human being when I continue to strive for the good, focus on the positive influences, and express gratitude regularly.

Thank you for being here to witness. And thank 2013 for being over. Viva 2014!

Today I have consumed calories twice, had caffeine, seen my chiro, fed the cats, and paid bills. I am contemplating having a nap before starting packing. My heart feels like it is doing strange things in the rhythm/bp category. Not sure what that is about. I am sure Nell would tell me to be careful cause some of those things can kill you.

Dealing with the aftermath of being glutened at the baseball game the other night. Still bloated and feeling foggy.

Can't manage to stay asleep lately. Its more than a little irritating. I am hoping the nap will help clear things.

I have taken to warning people when I am foggy that, "I am not wording well today." I have also noticed that when I stumble midconversation I will say something like, "...and words." I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who can help me not be stressed by this rather than those who make the situation more stressful. <3

Tomorrow I start a vacation wherein I should be able to chill out and recharge. Last time I planned this my cat died. I am pretty sure that one doesn't count. The universe is now on notice. I need a break. I will pick things up again *after* I get home.

I feels like forever since I have written here rather than a couple of weeks. The news being simple, nobody died. I always feel like that is a positive thing when traveling to KC for the holidays. Business has been busy though it has slowed this week. I have shit to do and no desire to motivate to do it. I did get painting started at the office.

Bringing up difficult subjects right before bed is not a good idea with me. I should have been asleep hours ago but for an email I didn't want to have to deal with that wasn't even sent to me. I'm doing alright after reading fluff for two and a half hours. Fluff is important in this house. Helps me gain a bit of time and perspective. :)

The test for celiac came back negative. I'm still off of gluten for now considering how terrible I felt for the time I had to eat it for the blood test. Yuck. I am finding that I like exploring with food. I really do like cooking. The improvising with ingredients on-hand is a hoot.

Can't really cook for Shirtless. He dislikes anything with flavor. He has liked the things I have cooked for him. Eh. Rare protein and some inoffensive vegetable or fruit seems to make him happy. I can do that but its not much of a challenge.

I've decided I want to travel more this year. I think I can manage it fairly easily with what is planned at this point. Arizona for spring training, Baltimore for NADWcon, Ft Lauderdale for the wedding, southern MO for a float trip(I hope). I wouldn't mind driving over to Madison to see Mr Bee.

Life is doing its thing. I will be glad when the sun gets a better foothold. I've really felt the cold this year. The girl is hanging on living on stubborn. The Honey will likely be traveling more. I love what I do.

Happy January.

I'm back from Portland. ( likely to get rambly )

I just got the email from Delta saying it's time to check-in. More excited than I really have words for. I am going to visit loved ones. I am going to commune with the ocean. I am going to recharge and renew.

It struck me when I looked at that email that I made the decision to go to the west coast and not the east coast and IG. Either was possible. However, when I looked at the energy balance sheet there was no contest. I knew that going to the east coast would be energy output. There would be no recharging. There would have to be recovery time after a visit like that just to walk back into my daily life.

I have reached a point in my life where I am rarely going to commit to an event or relationship that is net-negative in energy expenditure. Even net-neutral is a hard sell. There are exceptions but most of them involve children or students. IG deliberately excludes both of those populations.

The west coast? Well, there is ocean there. :) And other benefits. KAPOW!

Sooo, there is this person, who has a journal featherynscale, who writes interesting things that make me think about other things and wander down the dirt roads in my mind. This person recently wrote about how cool Mental Floss Magazine is.

*insert pic of dirt road here*

I got to thinking what mental floss would be and how it would benefit me. Dental floss is defines as a soft thread of floss silk or similar material used to clean between the teeth. It helps you remove stuck stuff, stuff you don't want to be there, and stuff that randomly grows there without your permission. So if we apply this to mental floss and you get a tool or substance that removes stuck bits in your head that used to be there to do good things and now no longer are and/or the stuff that randomly grows there without your permission or even desire. I'm imagining the mental cobweb remover from Psychonauts.

How cool would that be? Self doubt, irrational fears, attachment. All kept at bay with regular use of this mental floss. Its a self care thing, like dental flossing. You have to choose to do it cause its not super fun and its kinda uncomfortable but the benefits outweigh the inconvenience so you really just have to remember to do it.

So what would this mythical tool be? Meditation? Intention with appearance? I dunno. It might actually be something different for everyone.

*aside* my sister has a webcam. this means I can read stories to Nephew. /*aside*

I think being able to truly take care of oneself is an important piece to this mental floss.

In other news, I have a date. I am going to go wine tasting. One of my favorite types of dates. Exploring new things and places with other people who also want to explore, its great. Despite knowing that this is something I like doing, I cannot really explain the amount of excitement I have surrounding the event. I'm like bouncy giddy. I'm going to get on a bus with a bunch of other people, most of whom I don't know, and ride around to wineries and what not drinking wine at each and chatting with people I don't know all that well and probably the people I don't know at all if I know myself...at all. :D (love you Honey). I'm thinking about my wardrobe for this event. Its really rare that I do that. I will grant you that I am thinking in practical terms, no white for example(can you imagine how drunk some people are going to get and that always makes white a target), something cool cause who knows what the weather will be like, maybe a wrap in case the bus is chilly, should I take my knitting or will that appear to be a distancing tool like headphones? Why am I thinking about all of this? *headdesk*

I have tickets to fly to the ocean. In good company. Far from giddy, this news makes me feel full to overflowing with contentment and joy. Really looking forward to it.

My oldest boys are each visiting for a week and I am looking for things to do with them. Individual things such that they can't try to directly compare later. My boys. They do compete.

B&K are visiting in July for 10 days. I hope the poor thing doesn't melt. Living in Ireland doesn't really give one the constitution to deal with heat. Not that I can say much. I blame it on growing up in the Andes.

I have dinners scheduled with awesome people. My new food thingies might make it a bit difficult but we will manage. Summer is social time here in the frozen northland. I do wish it was more common to get out in the winter as well.

CONvergence continues to be exciting to plan for. I'm liking the look of things this year. Glad to know that I am able to participate and contribute to the Sir Terry Pratchett's Seamstrees Guild parties. Its super fun, gives me a base from which to work my magic, and surrounds me with loving amazing people.

IttyBitty brought me a surprise. She apparently got a temporary tattoo package. She noticed it had a bee in it so she had to cut it out and present it to me herself. Such a doll. My little pixie child. Many thanks sweetheart.

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