hypatia42

Valkyrie died last night. She had diabetes and had been losing weight for a while. Sudden downturn yesterday and didn't wake this morning. My heart hurts for my wife.

It has really made me take a look at my girl. She is older than Val. She has been dealing with ailing health for over two years now. The days have passed when I *had* to check and see if she was still breathing multiple different times. I do wonder if I ought to let her go, if I am doing a disservice to her by keeping her here. *sigh* I don't know the answer to that question any more than I know why she sticks around. Stubborn I guess. She lives to curl up and nap in her warm spots. Its getting colder now. She doesn't deal well with the cold. I wonder each day how much longer she will be with me. My heart hurts for my wife and I know I will be in the same place soon.

It took me 5.5 years of dealing and coping and processing to get one of my best friends ever back into my life. It took 4 years to get to a solid place with the man I used to call PIC.

Working out more. Trying to get in better shape. Thinking of coloring my hair now so that it will have faded out for TeslaCon. Remembering that this is the time of year when I want to shave my head. Also remembering that I always get over this feeling and I'm always happy I don't have my head bare right before winter starts. I want to get a hair cut but really don't want to lose length before TeslaCon. Damn Victorian hairstyles...

Ministry 2.0 helping people get in touch with their inner beauty. I am going to MOA on Sunday with Shirtless' ...girlfriend? I have no idea how they define their relationship. Don't really care as their definition has little bearing on me. Still, last month she was face planting in my cleavage, like ya do, and bemoaned the fact that hers are not like mine. I told her she needed better bras. And so we are going bra shopping. How did I get hooked into going bra shopping with a metamour? Excellent question but it is a pattern for me to be really good friends with them and sometimes maintain that friendship long past the ending of the other connection. I went to Greece with Wisteria after all.

Wow, sidetracked much? I think the ministry part comes in where I enjoy helping people uncover the beauty they have but cannot see yet. It doesn't always work. There are people who are so down on themselves that all they see is flaws. It does work often enough that I am willing to continue offering it as a service because I can see the increased appreciation of self on their faces and that is a thing of beauty all on its own.

My body continues to be a challenge. I went to ceili last night and got through two dances. Cramps started immediately and didn't stop until 2am. Its interesting intellectually because they feel different than they ever have before. Much more like stabbing in my abdomen. Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

Standing up and being who I want to be for my community is important to me. Defining what my community is is necessary to this. Knowing that setting good boundaries on what, when, and how I will give what I can give without causing harm to myself is an essential tool. Needing to get past the feeling that I should be apologizing for other's splash zones. Center. Balance. Ground. Calm.

I wonder if I can go for a good long bike ride now and still do Yoga X later... think I'm gonna give it a try. *edit, or maybe I will get in my car and drive over to my dr's offices and sign a records release form*

Tom Cat is gone. Left for home after looking at the weather forecast for tomorrow, the intended leave date. I remember doing things like that but I just don't care about the weather anymore. So long as I have gas and my clothes are appropriate I will go out anyway.

Victor's for breakfast before he left. It was great as usual.

Good food, good wine, and good company was had the entire week. I learned a lot about myself and about the road ahead of me. We played Zelda. We astonished him with our lack of possessiveness. I was confused about the need to have a game to be able to be playful. I was accused of being difficult and complicated. I rightly reminded that this is not news to anyone.

( cut for unexpected length and general rambliness )

More holiday shopping needs to happen. Holiday cards need to be finished off and sent out. Need to decide if we are going to put our pic in it this year.

LMFAO reminds me of Dance Band...dunno how I feel about that.

This has gotten way longer than I expected it to be. I told amandajayne98 that I needed to journal. This isn't even what I was talking about.

Taking a page from Cindy I give you DUF(daily useless fact): Tort is a wrongful act, torte is a cake or tart. This message brought to you by my need to figure out how to properly pluralize the cake. How many restaurants have you seen that used the wrong spelling?

We continue our journey. Making space involves being really present for people. Being open to that has many layers. Be present to self, know self, acknowledge limits and abilities, communicate these honestly and be up front about how they effect other things. Being present to others and being open at the same time communicates itself to those that need the space held for them. I have been listening my whole life. I rarely ask people to talk to me, people come up to me and start opening up the most difficult parts of themselves because they have a need and something about me makes them feel safe enough to examine it.

I'm not really sure what it is about me that helps people do this for themselves. I know I'm not doing it for them. I haven't decided that it is something that I need to know. Sometimes it is enough to know that it is good for others and does me no harm.