hypatia42

Part one was I am supremely secure in my relationships. Not always in my self image but when it comes to the people I am intimately connected to I rarely have issues. The closer you are to me the easier it is for me to say to you, "Go get what you need. I trust that you will not break trust with me. I do not fear you will never return."

Part two. I don't have guilt about pleasure. Pleasure doesn't inherently involve sex. I don't feel like I have to earn pleasure. I Know that pleasure is something I can have no matter what anyone else thinks.

This means I don't have guilty pleasures. This means I don't care what people think about what I wear so long as I am happy with it. This means I will wear bells and glitter and be thrilled at the feeling and have no problems with the fact that other people run and hide from that.

I'm a large woman with a strong personality. These things together with the security and confidence I carry myself with can be in intimidating package! Huh...

I am also caring, loving, funny, and generally easy to get to know. I can see where the intimidating would get in the way of seeing the other things. I really just want to love people though.

I woke before I had to this morning. I knew that after a weekend of class I would need to move my appt back to lunch time and had to forethought to do so last week instead of this morning. Its a good day.

Its a beautiful day and I *can* see it.

Death happens. Shock of knowing. The world is changed. True that I am no longer connected to this person because of time and distance but I still feel the impact. Death happens in many ways, even to the living.

Change happens. Decisions made. Change has to happen. Change has to happen or death happens.

Things I learned this weekend, some known, some new;
-It is possible to give of yourself. It is almost never a good idea. *known-good reminder*
-Allow yourself to ask for what you need. *known*
-Push/Pull & Neutral *new*
-The idea that we are spiritual entities who have come into a physical being. *new-more on this later*
-Victim mode disempowers. It removes personal responsibility. *new way of looking at an known idea*
-Warrior is the ultimate place of center. *new*

I've not been listening to my body for too long. Its not been a good place to be for a long time. Not listening has caused damage. No one to blame but myself. Take responsibility. External situation is definitely contributing factor. Too much bottled up to be healthy for anything.

Doing the right thing increases the overall good. Inevitably it is also the hard thing. I feel like it has been my job to do the hard thing lately. I see it needs to be done therefore I do it. I say it. I ask it. Only one person has thanked me for doing it so they didn't have to. That person even said I did it well and with a minimum of damage given the potential in that situation. Some things just need doing. Asking why is it always me doesn't prevent them from needing to be done. I saw it needed to be done and I will do it.

I am looking forward to getting the sword back. I never thought I would say something like that but its true. I believe strongly that to have healthy interaction one must first look inward and be healthy. Let those things that no longer serve me/you or actively fight growth to fall away to allow space for the new things that could be. The pruning has happened/will be happening. What will this growing season look like?

Its a beautiful day and I can see it.

For a long long time I have maintained that I am a supremely selfish person. I have believed that all actions that people take are for selfish reasons. That altruism doesn't exist because people don't do something unless they get something out of it. Even if that something is a decrease in the level of guilt they have for having more than the next person.

I find myself needing another word for this though. I find myself in this situation because it lacks some depth in communication. I know that I still find myself looking at certain actions and thinking, "Well that was selfish," and not meaning the same thing that I mean when I am talking about doing things because they are good for me.

Perhaps it is the difference between selfish with a positive connotation vs with a negative connotation.

Dictionary.com defines selfish as "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others." Maybe its that last bit that is the difference. What I do is not regardless of others, I don't know that I am capable of that. But it isn't dependent on others either.

Making a giving act dependent on the receiver feels wrong to me. I have always felt the need to give and then release all expectation of return such that the act of giving is the focus. "This is wholly about you. I have thought about this and feel that it is appropriate to you and want to make sure you receive it." Be it an item or a service or a kindness, it doesn't matter.

Huh. Release of attachment. Maybe I'm more Buddhist than I thought.