hypatia42

I got the information on the 3rd that my cousin in Dallas had passed. According to my mom they were going to be planning the funeral sometime in the next week. We drove to KC on the 4th. The 5th was supposed to be going to Oceans of Fun but the Honey had been having sinus trouble so rather than go there we agreed to sleep in and go to a pool complex in Independence instead since it cost all of $9 to get in and still had the lazy river he was looking forward to. Sleeping in happened. My back sized up after breakfast so I laid down with an ice pack to rest.

I woke to a text from my mom about the funeral being on the 7th and it was too soon and too far and it didn't make sense to try to go. I called her to find out how she really felt and bullied her into admitting that she really did want to go but wasn't confident that she would be able to make it on her own. It ended up being the Honey, Sis, my mom, and me all in a rental car driving from KC to Dallas. 939 miles one way from Minneapolis to Dallas. 5 days total. I met family I haven't seen since I was very small. Overall it was a good visit.

2 days after I got home I got a message that a dear friend, willowoak, had collapsed on the way out of work and they were unable to revive her. She had no will and no documents detailing what do with her and her things. The Honey and I will be working on that soon. You just never know what is gonna happen. One day you could think you are fine and the next you could have a previously unknown cancerous ovarian cyst burst and the trauma of it just might stop your heart.

Ever since then we have been dealing with her effects and preparing for the memorial. It is set for this coming Saturday. Its weird cause I probably spent more time with her over the past 10 years than anyone else in our trad and now I feel a bit adrift. We will all manage but it has definitely rocked the community here. #fuckcancer

Last Thursday niveus_tigris was found dead in his home. I found out on Friday. I don't really have words yet for the impact that had on me. I'm not okay with it. I spent much of Friday and Saturday in bed and alternately crying and feel numb. I'm getting better about it and I recognize that my emotional state prior to the news is affecting how I'm dealing with this now. Interestingly, I think it is helping me get out of the numb no-fucks-left-to-give place.

He was like the older brother that mine never was to me. He asked the hard questions and made me think. He was always passionate and moved to better the world. Even when we disagreed about how to do that we could still talk about it. He kept me company on many a long drive just talking to me for hours like he was in the car with me. He instictively understood my cat side, no explaining necessary, because he was too. We could share space and not have any expectations, just be.

We always tried to make time for each other even though we lived so far apart. I have a calendar reminder to poke Tiger every other week. Check in and see how we are doing. Tomorrow is the first time I won't be able to get an answer.

The second memorial is done. The words have been posted elsewhere. I have a video file on my phone that I have no idea what to do with but I have it. It was beautiful. It was well attended. It was everything it needed to be. I sang. I didn't suck at it.

The sound system was ... problematic so I sang unaccompanied and unmic'd. I didn't suck at it. I missed his voice harmonizing with mine. I'm a soprano y'know so I'm always the one with the melody. I don't know how to harmonize. I will miss him.

He taught me that some people deserve another chance after they have had their three. He taught me that even unpleasant experiences are worth something. He taught me that lavishing love on others is wonderful. He taught me that taking care of my health is REALLY important.

After it was all over I broke down and sobbed. Like scary sobbing in the foyer. Someone asked where the Honey was and I just couldn't hold it together any longer. He was over the Atlantic on his way to Paris for the week. My 'mada came up to help me hold it together for a few days and then she has to head home.

I'm tired. I leave Monday to drive to KC to take care of Mom for two weeks. Michael flies to Denver that day. He is then traveling directly to KC to help out as well. I think I am going to continue to be tired for a while.