hypatia42

Valkyrie died last night. She had diabetes and had been losing weight for a while. Sudden downturn yesterday and didn't wake this morning. My heart hurts for my wife.

It has really made me take a look at my girl. She is older than Val. She has been dealing with ailing health for over two years now. The days have passed when I *had* to check and see if she was still breathing multiple different times. I do wonder if I ought to let her go, if I am doing a disservice to her by keeping her here. *sigh* I don't know the answer to that question any more than I know why she sticks around. Stubborn I guess. She lives to curl up and nap in her warm spots. Its getting colder now. She doesn't deal well with the cold. I wonder each day how much longer she will be with me. My heart hurts for my wife and I know I will be in the same place soon.

It took me 5.5 years of dealing and coping and processing to get one of my best friends ever back into my life. It took 4 years to get to a solid place with the man I used to call PIC.

Working out more. Trying to get in better shape. Thinking of coloring my hair now so that it will have faded out for TeslaCon. Remembering that this is the time of year when I want to shave my head. Also remembering that I always get over this feeling and I'm always happy I don't have my head bare right before winter starts. I want to get a hair cut but really don't want to lose length before TeslaCon. Damn Victorian hairstyles...

Ministry 2.0 helping people get in touch with their inner beauty. I am going to MOA on Sunday with Shirtless' ...girlfriend? I have no idea how they define their relationship. Don't really care as their definition has little bearing on me. Still, last month she was face planting in my cleavage, like ya do, and bemoaned the fact that hers are not like mine. I told her she needed better bras. And so we are going bra shopping. How did I get hooked into going bra shopping with a metamour? Excellent question but it is a pattern for me to be really good friends with them and sometimes maintain that friendship long past the ending of the other connection. I went to Greece with Wisteria after all.

Wow, sidetracked much? I think the ministry part comes in where I enjoy helping people uncover the beauty they have but cannot see yet. It doesn't always work. There are people who are so down on themselves that all they see is flaws. It does work often enough that I am willing to continue offering it as a service because I can see the increased appreciation of self on their faces and that is a thing of beauty all on its own.

My body continues to be a challenge. I went to ceili last night and got through two dances. Cramps started immediately and didn't stop until 2am. Its interesting intellectually because they feel different than they ever have before. Much more like stabbing in my abdomen. Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

Standing up and being who I want to be for my community is important to me. Defining what my community is is necessary to this. Knowing that setting good boundaries on what, when, and how I will give what I can give without causing harm to myself is an essential tool. Needing to get past the feeling that I should be apologizing for other's splash zones. Center. Balance. Ground. Calm.

I wonder if I can go for a good long bike ride now and still do Yoga X later... think I'm gonna give it a try. *edit, or maybe I will get in my car and drive over to my dr's offices and sign a records release form*

I feel like I need a word coined for the opposite sort of empathy feeling that compersion indicates. Everything I have seen says that compersion is all about happy and joy and I need one that is feeling sad when someone you love feels sad. It is also a strange feeling to want to talk to someone and say things like, "How on earth would you think it is a good idea to break up with my lover? Can't you tell he is truly awesome?"

( cut for feminine tmi, you have been warned )

I have decided on a moniker for Berkie's manpanion. I can't really call him that myself since he isn't my manpanion. Still she is his Companion and since The Doctor has a Companion I have decided that is his name. It fits rather well and his habit of being a snappy dresser doesn't hurt things. It will be shorted to Doc for ease of typing cause I am lazy.

The body pain can go away now thx. I have been in pretty serious pain since getting home. Its like my body wants to go back to the ocean or something. *eyeroll* What am I going to do with myself? Sunday I got stung by a something at the farmer's market. Immediate pain. I didn't recognize it as venom poison pain until I found the welt 12 hours later, enough time that it had well and truly spread into my system. Still trying to deal with that one working its way out. I might ought to take another benadryl.

I feel so much better when I can get into the ocean. I know I have said this. It doesn't really help. The closest ocean is in the memory of the rocks beneath my feet. The land itself knows what it means to be water. And we circle back to the Tiffany Aching novels. I have been threatening to reread Terry Pratchett's works. Maybe now is a good time to do that. Escapism!

Go swimming more. Get out and go.

I have been riding my bike more since getting home. I think this is a good thing. The part of my brain that wanted to get in the car and drive for hours to clear my head is now accepting that maybe riding my bike would be a decent substitute since I haven't allowed myself to indulge that portion in years. I need better lights and some sort of storage system to make it a decent transport bike. I discovered yesterday that wearing anything on my back while riding causes significant pain in the neck/shoulders area. It could also be that was irritating the sting I got on Sunday...

I am going to TeslaCon. I will have fun. Mr.Bee will be there. So will his family. It remains to be seen if I will be able to get to know him, life being what it is for two adults who each run their own business and have committed lives in different cities. I am still looking forward to seeing him. Maybe I can convince him to go swimming. :)

My snark filter is on and functioning despite it being 1:34am.

I am awake at 1:34am despite being exhausted at 8:30pm. I think I have decided that I need to use my blue light and reset my circadian rhythms. This has got to stop.

My tolerance level for bullshit is non-existent when I am in pain. I have been in pain for weeks. Ergo, my tolerance level for bullshit is non-existent right now. Its is then fortunate that my snark filter is on and functioning.

I have been watching tv for hours now. The Honey gave up a while ago.

Observational level; I am getting increasingly irritated every time I hear sports on or turn on the television and it is on ESPN. Observing this from the inside of my head in a rational fashion shows that, well, its irrational. The tv is on ESPN because the Honey watches live tv way more than I do and it is mostly sports tv. Trying to decode this and deprogram it before I throw a shoe at the tv or something more important.

Its cold and damp. Damp kitty is not happy kitty. *see pain and bullshit tolerance above*

I think I am not drinking enough water.

It is possible I could sleep now. Its still earlier than when he gets home from the club when he goes.

Finally got to talk to my sister. She hasn't had more than 90 minutes sleep at a time since she went into the hospital. She's a little crazed.

New boychild(hereafter named Nephew) has been having a rough time of it. He's been sick since getting home, jaundice levels are moderate(enough to worry momma and make Nephew uncomfortable but not enough to treat), and he looks like a grumpy old man. Momma says he is grumpy and telling everyone within ear shot that he was quite happy where he was and to put him back, Now!

I'm praying that his immune system kicks in and he comes through this soon. Plans to travel to KC and surrounds for Mother's Day weekend.

btw, my pain meds can kick in anytime now, kthxbai

No Honey, I did not go directly to bed. Its ok.

Sitting here reading journals et al and realizing the day I had yesterday compared to the day I had today. 180 degrees difference. Yesterday I was in an airplane or airport for 12 hours. I was in a lot of pain physically and emotionally. I was really really down on myself for the things that I have allowed to happen to me as an adult.

Arrogance will make you think you have control over something you do not. I will remember this. I will also remember to not blame myself for things I do not have control over. I will not take responsibility for things that are not mine.

I have noticed a serious connection between my pain levels and how I view myself. If I am in pain I am far more likely to be emotionally bad for me. Noted.

I went to KC(which in case anyone was wondering is actually in Missouri) for a long weekend. The worst head and neck pain I have experienced in a long while accompanied me. In spite of this I had a lovely time. Doubt I will stay with the kids again. Call me spoiled but I like having space that doesn't smell like cat pee or mean sleeping on a couch. *snerk* Course that's pretty much what people get if they come here at the moment. Not too much longer though.

Did not get to have Imo's, the bastards were closed unexpectedly, "Sorry for any inconvenience" it said. Did I mention bastards?

Business and office things continue to do what they are supposed to do. The Grand Opening Open House is this Saturday. Hoping plenty of people show up. Need to send out a couple more emails I think.

The Honey is in Denver. He asked me last night how I felt about Sweden in winter given my stated distaste for Norway in Winter. *headdesk* He apparently put in for an assessment team for northern Europe and that would happen in Sweden, short term stuff like Paris was. I told him if I wasn't staying with a chain smoker the experience would likely be much more pleasant for me.

Aixios(eks-wah) is a French place in KC down in Brookside. They had pretty damn decent food. Service wasn't stellar but it wasn't anything to complain about. Upon leaving I found that I was in exactly that place a year ago. The church across the street was where we all met up after Kevin's funeral. I was literally stunned.

I think fondue is not my favorite. It was described as a way where everyone participating could be a part of preparing the meal. I experience that in many other ways and thus it seems to not impact me as much. Possibly also because the enjoyment of eating things is a very personal intimate thing I do with myself. Yes I like eating with others but ... I dunno. Its hard to put into words. Maybe I have trouble really enjoying something I know I can easily do at home in greater quantity for less.

I listened to The Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke on the way down and back. Lovely little story. I think I prefer her one off works to her series work. Some of her stuff is really hard and gritty in feel. I guess I run hot and cold with her. I have another one of hers that I've been "reading" that I'm only halfway thru and that doesn't bother me. Most of the way thru Inkheart too and I just don't care to finish right now. meh

Swimming was had. I have tan lines for the first time in a while. Much sun exposure felt really good.

I visited the Nelson for the first time since they opened the new wing. Didn't go in. I'm a bit of a anti-fan of modern art. In conversing about this I discovered the reason I prefer photography and sculpture as art forms. I find awe in nature not in the work of mastery for humans. S says he sees the years of work that went into learning a skill and I prefer to have no presence of the artist whatsoever because they did such an amazing job of representing real life. My Dad described to me learning another language and how many compliments you get when you get really good but you know you have made it when you stop getting compliments. Its kinda like that. Step out of the way and let the subject shine. For me anyhow.

Reminds me of how I was taught to write, don't tell them, show them. Don't describe a thing, let them experience it. Harder than it sounds and it doesn't sound easy.

Its some kind of terrible when a day with the sun behind the clouds can make me feel like the world is not a place I wanna be.

The house needs to be fixed, insulated, and painted. I'm hoping we get two out of three there. Trees need to be removed and I'm holding off planting things cause I don't want them to die when either of those things happen.

Thinking I need to change the accounts that several automatic transactions happen through. If I can just put it in there then I don't need to worry about it. I will maintain the amount necessary in that account and since it is not an account that either of us use we should be fine.

I'm tired. I think its been too many days with not quite enough sleep and working hard in the middle. I can tell it is effecting me. Probably making the lack of sunshine worse.

Dude... I'm in pain. I forgot that I get crabby and depressed when I'm in pain. I will go take pain killers now. I will also go tanning and have a nap before the Honey gets home. This will totally reframe my day such that I can have a lovely evening.

I'm missing my paper journal right now. Posting from my phone is not easy and its been days since I've been in front of my computer.

Enticing.

Verdant is the best descriptor I could come up with for the change in smell when I cross the state line into Missouri. I miss my home town. A lot. Its beautiful. The people are awesome. Not likely to move back for a multitude of reasons but I miss it so much that I cry sometimes. Watching the raptors play in the updrafts off of bluffs and the river is entertaining.

I sprained my ankle on Monday. That has caused a change in plans pretty much all week. No dancing, no heels, careful how I walk, pay attention to everything.

Overheated today at Cedar Cove Feline Santuary & Education Center. Had a lovely time and will probably post pix. Overheated at the beginning of May... why am I afraid of planning outdoor activities in Aug? Cause I overheat in May. Debating with oneself the benefits of shaving your own head is a good sign something needs to change. Some amount of "blue drink" later I want to collapse and sleep. The a/c helps that.

SG cometh. Should be an interesting time. Hopefully not the Chinese sense of the word. St.Ang and I have decided our slogan is "we are the party". Debating adding "RECOGNIZE & REPRESENT" to that. Tshirts may be in the offing.

God my ankle hurts. Turned it again out at Cedar Cove. J's bday party is this evening. 30 years old. I think he wll survive.

Wow. I don't even know what to say here right now. General update-ness I suppose.

This past week I started a job that I should be able to keep through school. I'm kinda hoping I'm not going to have to get two. I have proved to the mrg that I can hold my own in verbal sparring contests. I doubt I'd ever win one with a pro but I can hold my own and score points with an average player. Working at a wine and spirits store has some advantages. Serious discounts being among them. The fact that this wine store is in the Mall? Mall discounts too. Sweet.

Learning lots about wine. Thats nice. Learning how many people who work at the Mall are constantly buzzed. Not so nice. We do have some pretty nice stock. I got three bottles of wine that I was supposed to try, evaluate and see if I could remember what kind of grape they were made of all the way to my next shift. That'd be tomorrow. I've tried one of them. An old vine red Zinfandel called Plungerhead. I didn't like it. But I do remember characteristics of it that I could share with other people if they are wanting to know about it or red zins in general. The other two are still uncorked. Have to change that soon. Hehe, I get homework that involves drinking. Whats your job? Oh wait, you probably get paid more than me.

My fingernails are berry blue. I may go out with a bang here. Not going to be able to have even short nails soon. I shortened them pretty significantly not long ago. There are a few people close to me who will simultaneously miss my claws and likely heave a huge sigh of relief. Still, I'm looking forward to starting school.

Filling out paperwork today. I don't remember doing some of this last time around. Like, I don't remember having to chose my lender. Other bits are very familiar. I swear gov't forms rarely change content. People at the school are being very helpful in this tedious process of navigating dried woodpulp.

Elevated pain levels in the past week or so. WTF? I don't know. Lots and lots of things effect pain levels. I've not been managing something properly.

Wandered around the Upton Art Fair with PIC this weekend after a lovely steak and eggs breakfast at the Herkimer. Saw lots of beautiful things. I was moved to tears a couple of times. By what you ask? Pictures of the ocean. Duh. Photography is amazing. I want to go to Greece. I want to see Santorini, the city, the bluffs, the bay, everything. I want to swim in the Mediterranean Sea. I want to visit the islands and the sacred sites. Did I mention I cried at the pictures of the ocean?