hypatia42: (Default)
Its an okay tired though. I'm not broken or in a lot of pain. I'm just tired. I have worked a lot today. I have been to conventions three weekends in a row now. I have done a lot of personal, spiritual, and heart connection work. In addition I have continued to take care of my retail job and my personal business.

My time is valuable. I treat myself with care, recognizing the things that will push me beyond my spoon count and choosing deliberately if that is what I want to do. I am getting out and moving more as is my goal this year. I am managing to increase my activity levels without damaging myself which means actual increase in strength and stamina. All good things.

Still tired. Bed for the Amy.
hypatia42: (Default)
Just chatted with PIC for a bit. He had to cut short our scheduled time because of a work meeting but it was still good to hear from him. We are planning a trip together early next year so talking about options is fun. He is dealing with some health issues and his mom recently got diagnosed with lymphoma so we talk about a lot of health things.

It is good to just talk about stuff sometimes. Actively work at keeping up with a person's life rather than trusting that they are following along on facebook. I don't post much of substance there these days. Its okay. I watch funny videos and see pictures and oh look, cats. It is a thing that I am not willing to give up for very valid reasons but it isn't doing for me what it used to.

I'm going to Sacred Space this coming weekend. I am taking Keith's ring and his Hecate key with me. I will get to see what the people who have custody of the images I took did with them. Death and body prep is an emotionally charged process. I took pictures. There is a part of being on the other side of a camera that is distancing. I think I am going to cry a lot seeing the presentation. Even though I was there.

Much work has been done over the past 9 months to get me to a healthier place. I am looking at the coming weekend as the culmination of this work. I will walk in with as few preconceived notions about what that work will look like as I am capable of. It is important to me to let go and trust the process. I'm actually looking forward to it.


Aug. 16th, 2015 10:43 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Another in the list of "well that just happened" sorts of events. spiritual growth and woo )


Jul. 27th, 2015 01:49 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have been a pain convert for a while now. Not that I like pain or wish to cause it in others. No. I realized some time ago that the ability to feel pain is preferable to feeling nothing.

I am slowly building relationships with people who feel the same way. The "Yes I am broken in some ways but I am living life to the best of my ability given my limitations" people are inspiring for me. Earlier today I was wishing that I could have a day of feeling well and rested. Just now I made the connection that I haven't taken pain meds though I had been living on them for over a week now. I may not be good but I am better. I am making progress.

When clients come to me I give them two treatment options. Do you want to feel good or do you want to get better? Both are totally reasonable approaches to treatment. It all depends on your goals.

I like better.
hypatia42: (Default)
Found this thing I wrote a while back:

The closer you are the better I feel. Interestingly I don't feel you as fire but as earth. You ground me to the land and back into myself in ways I don't know how to explain. The moment you start losing power in the world I get sad and overwarm and I don't deal with things well until I have time to adjust. I wonder if those cycles would be easier to bear if I loved closer to the equator. I will not know the answer to that soon if I ever do.

I wonder at the relationships between me and children of the moon. It seems that sibling type relationship works better than work or heart types. Sometimes opposite just means your needs are opposing and no matter what else you have in common it isn't going to work. I've not known a daughter of Selene though, only Artemis. I wonder too if that would make a difference.

I give you homage. I bask in your glory. I give thanks for all that you afford me and this existence.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
Continuing with the language of my subconscious, rebuilding the second floor of a mall after years of neglect is just not easy. I keep picking up pieces of damaged self and examining them for anything worth keeping. Its like picking up and sorting old photographs. "Is there anything not damaged in this one that makes it worth salvaging?" This also means figuring out how to take all of the rubble that has been deemed not salvageable and recycle it, trash it, get rid of it somehow.

I haven't been sleeping well since that dream. I honestly don't know why. Possibly because I am doing Work while I am sleeping. The Honey has been pulled into doing a lot of travel for work again. I'm sure it only seems this way because I am looking at it through the lens of my experience but I feel that his work always takes him out of the state when I need support. I'm scared and I am doing it anyway but it is definitely harder lacking my spouse.

Building a relationship with someone who is actually more busy than I am is scary and comforting at the same time. On one side there is the knowledge that Ash is not going to try to turn me into his whole life, codependent style is not something I can tolerate. On the other there is the question, "Is there room in his life for this?" I cannot make that decision for him. Signs point to him desiring to make the effort that it is possible. Okay. I can work with that. I know he is working on getting into Nursing school tho and I know the type of demands that puts on time and mental resources. I have been in the situation before where a person I was dating really didn't have time for me in their life and was constantly lying to himself and everyone around him about that. Ash isn't like that in my experience. He communicates what is going on. He exudes joy and I gotta say that is nice.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. Each relationship stands on its own and shouldn't be judged by the previous ones. You are the sum of your experiences but that is not true of relationships. You can decide how to interact with each person rather than reacting from a place of fear rooted in the past.

Dubbed Ash

Apr. 10th, 2015 10:24 pm
hypatia42: (pic#245179)
How is it that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING guy I get interested in as a serious potential has some sort of primary connection with the Norse pantheon?!(*^)*#!?

How is it that I am still questioning my ability to trust myself over every single person that comes into my life?

How did I know that I needed to touch the ankle of this male I have never met before and really didn't know even what he looked like?

What made him reach out and from across the pile and start massaging my hand?

All of these are reasonable and yet unanswerable questions. Much like the not really question I had last night of, "I really don't know what to do with you."

I have thought about it thru last night and today. I have told others before, "I cannot promise that I will not break your heart but I can promise your heart will be broken." There is something about that phrase that is really comforting to me. I have had my heart broken before. I survived. I have a good support system. He seems good at communicating and willing to be frankly honest in situations that don't require it. He appreciates my willingness to be the same. None of this sucks.

Artemis told me once that I am afraid to fall. She is completely right. I have had a long conversation with myself today. This Phoenix is due for rebirth. I will fall. I will trust myself to believe that I will either be caught or I will learn to fly.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Tomcat: I think this might be the most rattled I have ever seen you

Me: Probably. Right now its more preventative. I know I need people to reach out to me. (speaking of my surgery)

Me: I'm in the process of ritualizing surgery prep so recovery is smoother.

Me: I'm not a very good rock. I do get moved by many things. I'm getting better at being a tree tho. My core stays rooted while the rest of me moves with the wind and the tides.

Me: Part of that ability to stay rooted is to reach out to those things that ground me.
hypatia42: (pic#245179)
I just got the email from Delta saying it's time to check-in. More excited than I really have words for. I am going to visit loved ones. I am going to commune with the ocean. I am going to recharge and renew.

It struck me when I looked at that email that I made the decision to go to the west coast and not the east coast and IG. Either was possible. However, when I looked at the energy balance sheet there was no contest. I knew that going to the east coast would be energy output. There would be no recharging. There would have to be recovery time after a visit like that just to walk back into my daily life.

I have reached a point in my life where I am rarely going to commit to an event or relationship that is net-negative in energy expenditure. Even net-neutral is a hard sell. There are exceptions but most of them involve children or students. IG deliberately excludes both of those populations.

The west coast? Well, there is ocean there. :) And other benefits. KAPOW!
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I saw someone post about Boggle the Owl and the straight up advice he has been giving people.

"The only way to move on is to let it hurt, and sometimes that can take a long time."

How feckin profound can an illustrated owl be? The illustrator even admits that she is not the owl. He is his own little being.

This is the sit with the feeling, let it wash over you, and then past you and be done with it. Only in practical non-woowoo terms. Letting it hurt is scary and can be more scary than just letting whatever it was keep on happening. But letting it hurt and then moving on is the ONLY way to grow.

Cause the idea that you will never hurt is not realistic.
hypatia42: (roses)
Let's only date grown-ups.
Here is what is mine, there is what is yours.
This is what I would like, and this is what I will give.
This is what I won't, can't, don't give.
Where is your beginning and what is your end?
Love is not give and take, love is give and give.
I give, and you give, and we draw lines in ourselves where we stop.
I draw a line here, do you see it?
It's the place just before it hurts me to give,
because I know, if you love me, if you love the way I do, this is where you would beg me to stop.
And if you don't, if you wouldn't, you are worth nothing further.

by Maxine Green
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I make space. Sometimes the space takes up a lot of me. RoP today was amazing and wonderful and moving. Everything it was meant to be. I am spent. Dangerously close to overspent. Trying to figure out what will be the best things for me to do to make sure that I get some of that energy back instead of dipping into the red.

Need to get back to working out regularly. NEED to do that for myself. Excuses be damned. There will always be a reason to not do it. I can do something and I should do it.

Feels like the inside of my body is filled with steel wool. Muffled and full, strange and scratchy. Need pettins badly. Like break down sobbing from need of pettins. Instead I need to cut the Honey's hair and make sure the girl has foods and wait til the shower is done and ...and...

*nods off*
hypatia42: (Default)
Tom Cat is gone. Left for home after looking at the weather forecast for tomorrow, the intended leave date. I remember doing things like that but I just don't care about the weather anymore. So long as I have gas and my clothes are appropriate I will go out anyway.

Victor's for breakfast before he left. It was great as usual.

Good food, good wine, and good company was had the entire week. I learned a lot about myself and about the road ahead of me. We played Zelda. We astonished him with our lack of possessiveness. I was confused about the need to have a game to be able to be playful. I was accused of being difficult and complicated. I rightly reminded that this is not news to anyone.

cut for unexpected length and general rambliness )

More holiday shopping needs to happen. Holiday cards need to be finished off and sent out. Need to decide if we are going to put our pic in it this year.

LMFAO reminds me of Dance Band...dunno how I feel about that.

This has gotten way longer than I expected it to be. I told [profile] amandajayne98 that I needed to journal. This isn't even what I was talking about.

Taking a page from Cindy I give you DUF(daily useless fact): Tort is a wrongful act, torte is a cake or tart. This message brought to you by my need to figure out how to properly pluralize the cake. How many restaurants have you seen that used the wrong spelling?
hypatia42: (Default)
Someone asked me for links on something I researched but I didn't remember when I had looked it up and posted it... This has led me to looking through the archives here. Interesting how hindsight is 20/20 yeah? I was miserable for a very long time. A lot of things went into making me miserable. I'm not going to delete the miserable posts because it is an important way for me to log my lessons and not repeat them. I'm just glad I have grown past that stage.

:) Next time I am miserable it will be for completely *different* reasons!
hypatia42: (Default)
Every person since [personal profile] welshbard has been given this information and generally expected to be ok with it if they accept it. If they cannot accept it then it completely changes what type of relationship they can have with me.

Several people have asked that this be posted so here it is.

I am independent. I am not a small person. I will never fit under your arm the way you expect me to. I do not need you to take care of me, I can take care of myself. I do not want you to need me. I do not want to need you. Give because you want to give, not because you need to be needed. I refuse to be your whole world. I refuse to make you my world. I demand independence from those around me. I will not make your decisions for you. I will not make you do your work, nor will I do your work for you. I will reach out to you when you need a hand but I will let you fall on your ass to learn your own lessons. Anyone who does not believe this is the utter truth is a fool and a coward unwilling to face their own shit. Cause if there is one thing I am good at it is pushing buttons.
I will reflect to you all the things you do not like about yourself, simply by standing next to you. I will love you no matter what you see. I will understand all the parts of you that you cannot accept and I will accept you. Just as you are I will believe in you and love you. it is up to you to have the courage to accept the love and thus accept yourself. In running from what you see in me you are running from the things you do not like in yourself! Stand with me and believe that you are worth it. You are worthy and you truly deserve it! If you have not done your work you will be uncomfortable. Blaming this on me will not make me own it, nor will it make it any less your problem to deal with.

I typed this out directly, punctuation and all. There are a few things I might change. I am no longer in a place of vehemently declaring myself. I am much better at just being me now.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have been given a gift. A friend contacted me yesterday to say that she had surrounded herself with luxury and self care and thought of me. I really like that when people take care of themselves and really lavish themselves with the treatment they deserve they think of me. Not that I gave that ot them but the act of doing those things are things they associate with me. This is more awesome than words. Adore yourselves regularly people.

I no longer feel any need or desire to convince anyone that they are worthy of being with me or near me. In short, if you don't already believe you are worthy then you aren't. I've spent a lot of my life listening to people do the self deprecation thing and trying to show them how wrong they are. That they aren't hated or ulgy or not worth the air they are breathing or or or... I'm not saying you are bad for doing this if you do it. I'm saying I release myself from any obligation to do so. I want people around me who are independent adults.

Related to that last statement, I have no desire to be connected to anyone I could call boy or girl for that matter. I don't just want physically mature people in my life. I want emotionally mature grownups that own their shit and don't need to fix me to feel like a worthy human being. I think I've made it clear that I am adamantly against co-dependency in my life. Avoiding this means drawing adults to me.

I need to type out my personal disclaimer statement and put it in here too.


Sep. 14th, 2011 12:02 am
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
It feels profound and I feel the need to document it so I will remember saying it,

"I cannot promise you I will not break your heart. I can promise you that your heart will be broken."

If you beat yourself up enough times with your practice poi you will eventually get good enough that you can light it on fire and not get burned too often. Only arrogance thinks never is possible.
hypatia42: (Default)
The disadvantage of being up most of the night is that you've already looked at all the things you would spend time looking at during the day.

Having cucumber salad and a grilled chicken thigh today for lunch. Forgot to eat much of anything yesterday. Wasn't really hungry. Its been more of a problem this week than the rest of the summer. The Honey threatened to hit me with the menu last night at dinner.

Mentally prepping for the coming weeks leaves me feeling busy but not daunted. Things coming into balance in my life are a really good thing. I've worked hard to get here. I will work hard to get to the next level too. But for now, in the space between one decision and the next, I will breathe and enjoy life and love and do my best to release expectation for what is to come.
hypatia42: (Default)
mostly cause its dark outside and its dark inside and the Honey needs to be able to stay asleep even if I can't.

Went to a birthday party at GB Leighton's Pickle Park this evening for J. Most of the crew from the Seamstress' Guild that I have gotten to know at cons were there. I like getting to know them better.

Listened to a song that [personal profile] dawningday posted for his nephew and started thinking about my niece and nephew that I cannot know. Thinking about the Honey's niece and nephews who are in such a hard place right now and will continue to be. Thinking about R and everything that entails. I was crying too. Thank you dear for sharing.
cut for rambling in the night )
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have said the words for along time that I make space for change. This allows that I am not the person doing the changing. I am not making anything happen, simply holding a safe place for change that needs to happen to happen. I do this in my home, in my work, and in my life both mundane and spiritual.

Today I was struck that sometimes it means people needs help right now with something critical and "can you come support me in this change that needs to happen?" I got a call from W saying that the kids and she all needed a haircut asap. So I did. I thought back over the last 7 years of living here and remembered all the other times when this exact thing has happened to me. I get a call saying, "I need my hair cut." Sometimes it is practical and they lack the funds to pay someone to do it, sometimes they don't want to go to someone they don't know, sometimes it is a spiritual cutting away, sometimes it is fixing what someone else messed up.

I think about the amount of trust that people are putting in my hands. Lemme tell you there is not one single person in my community I would trust with scissors to cut my hair. Might say something about me ;)


hypatia42: (Default)

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