growth, destruction, and exorcism
Apr. 26th, 2015 09:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hypatia42Continuing with the language of my subconscious, rebuilding the second floor of a mall after years of neglect is just not easy. I keep picking up pieces of damaged self and examining them for anything worth keeping. Its like picking up and sorting old photographs. "Is there anything not damaged in this one that makes it worth salvaging?" This also means figuring out how to take all of the rubble that has been deemed not salvageable and recycle it, trash it, get rid of it somehow.
I haven't been sleeping well since that dream. I honestly don't know why. Possibly because I am doing Work while I am sleeping. The Honey has been pulled into doing a lot of travel for work again. I'm sure it only seems this way because I am looking at it through the lens of my experience but I feel that his work always takes him out of the state when I need support. I'm scared and I am doing it anyway but it is definitely harder lacking my spouse.
Building a relationship with someone who is actually more busy than I am is scary and comforting at the same time. On one side there is the knowledge that Ash is not going to try to turn me into his whole life, codependent style is not something I can tolerate. On the other there is the question, "Is there room in his life for this?" I cannot make that decision for him. Signs point to him desiring to make the effort that it is possible. Okay. I can work with that. I know he is working on getting into Nursing school tho and I know the type of demands that puts on time and mental resources. I have been in the situation before where a person I was dating really didn't have time for me in their life and was constantly lying to himself and everyone around him about that. Ash isn't like that in my experience. He communicates what is going on. He exudes joy and I gotta say that is nice.
Past performance does not guarantee future results. Each relationship stands on its own and shouldn't be judged by the previous ones. You are the sum of your experiences but that is not true of relationships. You can decide how to interact with each person rather than reacting from a place of fear rooted in the past.
I haven't been sleeping well since that dream. I honestly don't know why. Possibly because I am doing Work while I am sleeping. The Honey has been pulled into doing a lot of travel for work again. I'm sure it only seems this way because I am looking at it through the lens of my experience but I feel that his work always takes him out of the state when I need support. I'm scared and I am doing it anyway but it is definitely harder lacking my spouse.
Building a relationship with someone who is actually more busy than I am is scary and comforting at the same time. On one side there is the knowledge that Ash is not going to try to turn me into his whole life, codependent style is not something I can tolerate. On the other there is the question, "Is there room in his life for this?" I cannot make that decision for him. Signs point to him desiring to make the effort that it is possible. Okay. I can work with that. I know he is working on getting into Nursing school tho and I know the type of demands that puts on time and mental resources. I have been in the situation before where a person I was dating really didn't have time for me in their life and was constantly lying to himself and everyone around him about that. Ash isn't like that in my experience. He communicates what is going on. He exudes joy and I gotta say that is nice.
Past performance does not guarantee future results. Each relationship stands on its own and shouldn't be judged by the previous ones. You are the sum of your experiences but that is not true of relationships. You can decide how to interact with each person rather than reacting from a place of fear rooted in the past.