Wow, an update
Nov. 29th, 2005 12:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hypatia42Started X-mas cards tonight. Thinking about the people I love and miss. Not all of them are far from me physically, some are just emotionally, and some I have to keep at bay just to continue to function.
Depression is trying its damnest to seep in. Not having a daily routine is not helping that. Trying to set up one of a sorts. Getting up to walk in the morning. If you've got it in you and actually read this, ask me about it. Maybe then I'll actually go. I think the walking will help. It should also help me remember to eat.
Need a job. Need a real type job. No, I need a job that will allow me to spend time with my loved ones and pay me enough to live comfortably and still pay my bills. That doesn't have to be a real job, just a job.
I have found though that I can't take just any job. I wish I could find the thing I can do and get paid for it. The two things I'm best at I would have to go back to school for, healing and listening. Too bad they don't pay people to understand despite the fact that its so very rare.
GirlGenius was down for most of the day today. Given that I was out of touch for most of a week on the plot line that fact was driving me crazy. I had to get out of the house. Somehow managed to have lunch and coffee with my ex-boyfriend. How you may ask? I think his wife is throwing us together so he or we will reconcile. Not sure how I feel about that. He wants the right to be closer to me. I wish I could say he doesn't have the right to ask me that but he does. Its my decision what to say but he has every right to ask. Really the last thing I need right now is hope. Hope hurts. Maybe in the future he will have himself and his house in a place where he can have those kinds of relationships again but right now I don't need to hear that he misses me. Or maybe I do. I miss him too. I can't imagine not wanting to show him things or tell him things. I miss my friend. Not so much my lover. He's been gone for months now. But my friend, the one with whom I can walk through the Peace Garden and argue about what type of ground cover that is, or the one with whom I have a standing disagreement about the common name of a certain tree(why anyone would look and an orchid and think tulip I have no idea), the one who I have a fundamental understanding of that verges on psychic, yeah that one. How can I know someone to the soul and not miss them? When those needs are so evenly matched with mine its hard to tell where one ends and the other begins how can I not want to reach out to it? But wanting and missing is not enough. Being wanted and missed is not enough.
Hmm, thoughts from the weekend...
I love my stylist. I got a wonderful haircut that fixed the damage of the last one. It moves and flips and curls just the way it should. Everyone should have a stylist just like her, hip, cute, friendly and been at this job for 20 years now. Understanding is a wonderous thing.
Rent was great. I enjoyed myself despite the headache I gave myself for crying through most of the movie. I'm told there are more touching songs on the soundtrack and find myself intruiged. Contact for one. No the touching comment was not a deliberate pun but I chuckled anyway.
I hate common baby showers. Wedding showers too for that matter. They both seem to be designed to umiliate the center of the party. Why on earth would anyone enjoy that???
That being said I enjoyed the time spent with the Boys and their mom. Need to get up to see their rooms this X-mas visit. Right in there with learning to teleport. My life would be so much less stressed if I could do that. My body would not be in the pain that its currently experiencing.
Rooting through closets and attic at Dad's did not find me my goal but I have now some things of my Grandma's that I shared with her while she was alive. I got really angry coming home because they were packed in such a way that when things got moved they fell and got squished a bit. Nothing damaged but the cardboard box. Not a real issue except that it brought up terror and the resultant anger. Perhaps rage would be a better way to put it. Never allowed myself that before. But these things really are all I have of her. I don't even have a picture of her young or old. Had to figure out how to deal with this emotion and not just take it out on the Honey. Having seen what can happen to relationships where anger or rage is taken out on the other person, I didn't want to do that. Though I can't imagine it was a comfortable 30 minutes until I got my emotions dealt with. He forgave me for being irrational and I managed to deal pretty well. Bad examples seem to do a lot for my motivation.
Bob Evans pumpkin pie rocks. Too bad they don't have those up here. Or maybe its for the best. Losing weight would be even harder than it is. Hmm, pie and biscuits and gravy for breakfast, not necessarily in that order.
I miss my family. The busyness of being in KC over the holidays prevents me from doing some of the things that I enjoy doing with them at the holidays. Course I haven't been able to do those things for a while. The Honey's family has precedence too. Always the balancing act. Guess that's why we're so busy. I kinda envy the people with their and their spouse's families in different cities. Makes it easier to spend more time in bigger chunks.
I keep trying to convince them that they should come up and visit us but they all have some excuse. Everybody's got an excuse why they can't. Nobody ever seems to want to reach out and figure out how they CAN. Leaves me and the Honey always compromising. If we weren't so good at working with each other and communicating we'd be in pretty sad shape. I sure am glad we know how to support each other. There go those bad examples giving good lessons again.
Missed Lawrence completely this trip. *sigh* Ah well. Have I mentioned I could live there? Well, I could. Nice town once you get past the whole chickenhawk thing. I get the feeling that even if I lived there my family wouldn't come and visit me. They never did in Lee's Summit, why bother driving another hour? Wow I am whining a lot. I did mention that depression was trying real hard to get hooks in me right?
Mircowave instant oatmeal does not work for No-Bake Oatmeal cookies. Do not try to substitute almost a cup of it for the quick oats the recipe calls for. Tasty sludge is what you'll end up with.
The Plaza rocks. Specially when experienced with Berkie. Threw some change at Pomona, drooled over Williams-Sonoma, totally enjoyed the lights and the people, rubbed the boar's nose. She and the Honey even made me eat. Found the most amazing photographer's gallery there across from BnN. I nearly cried at some fo the prints he had. Thomas something or another. Really great stuff. Color and density was stunning.
Totally shocked at the NKCGeeks dinner when the hubby of one gal pipes up and says, "So I'm curious about your poly thing. What can you tell me?" Well good goddamn. A; I had no idea that he knew about that. B; Its not a real comfortable subject for me to talk about right now(gee can ya figure out why). C; He had no way of knowing that and he was genuinely curious because of some shit they had going on in their life. Couldn't just walk away from that conversation. Literally, since I was sitting at a dinner table with him but I did feel a bit ambushed. He had found out about it from an email I sent his wife and went looking to satisfy his curiosity. Then he wanted the real life input of someone, namely me. I managed pretty well according to the Honey. Only once, okay maybe twice, did I feel the need to cry. I managed to get that under control by letting the Honey talk for a while since he has been through just as much as I have for all that he isn't the one with the open relationship outside our marriage. I suppose I don't have that anymore either. *sigh* Anyway he and his wife were having issues, emotional infidelity, how silly does that sound? Not silly at all to the people involved. It can hurt more to know that the one you love has become emotionally attached to someone else even if they haven't acted on those feelings. And those who have the feelings, are they just supposed to act like those feelings no longer exist? Treat their loved one like a disease to be gotten rid of and hopefull forgetten? It all depends on the people and the sitation. I was really happy to hear that they are going to counseling. Yeah there was dishonesty but there was also obviously a need not being met otherwise it wouldn't have come up in the first place. Everyone plays a part in making a situation what it is. No one is blameless. That is one thing I have learned from all this.
Got to see B&J for a few minutes. They look so great. I had some doubts for a while but I think they're gonna make it. They seem to have finally figured out how to communicate! Yeah for more communicating people in the world. OWN YOUR NEEDS! Only you can see that they are met! Love them dearly, looking forward to their wedding next May. Hmm still plotting what to wear.
Lost my filter bottle. Left it at a restaurant. They apparently didn't see its inherent value and threw it away. The Honey being the amazing man he is has already engineered it replacement depsite it being not in production anymore! Hooray for EBay! Hooray for the Honey!
I think thats all of the weekend. Kitty Cat has managed to be right next to me ever since I got home. Doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing or where, she'll find me. Right now she's being warmed by the top vet of the monitor. She has been faced away from me for several hours now. I'm pretty sure she thought it was time to go to bed a long time ago but is unwilling to give up her post. Ooo, BIG Strech! Sleep time.
Depression is trying its damnest to seep in. Not having a daily routine is not helping that. Trying to set up one of a sorts. Getting up to walk in the morning. If you've got it in you and actually read this, ask me about it. Maybe then I'll actually go. I think the walking will help. It should also help me remember to eat.
Need a job. Need a real type job. No, I need a job that will allow me to spend time with my loved ones and pay me enough to live comfortably and still pay my bills. That doesn't have to be a real job, just a job.
I have found though that I can't take just any job. I wish I could find the thing I can do and get paid for it. The two things I'm best at I would have to go back to school for, healing and listening. Too bad they don't pay people to understand despite the fact that its so very rare.
GirlGenius was down for most of the day today. Given that I was out of touch for most of a week on the plot line that fact was driving me crazy. I had to get out of the house. Somehow managed to have lunch and coffee with my ex-boyfriend. How you may ask? I think his wife is throwing us together so he or we will reconcile. Not sure how I feel about that. He wants the right to be closer to me. I wish I could say he doesn't have the right to ask me that but he does. Its my decision what to say but he has every right to ask. Really the last thing I need right now is hope. Hope hurts. Maybe in the future he will have himself and his house in a place where he can have those kinds of relationships again but right now I don't need to hear that he misses me. Or maybe I do. I miss him too. I can't imagine not wanting to show him things or tell him things. I miss my friend. Not so much my lover. He's been gone for months now. But my friend, the one with whom I can walk through the Peace Garden and argue about what type of ground cover that is, or the one with whom I have a standing disagreement about the common name of a certain tree(why anyone would look and an orchid and think tulip I have no idea), the one who I have a fundamental understanding of that verges on psychic, yeah that one. How can I know someone to the soul and not miss them? When those needs are so evenly matched with mine its hard to tell where one ends and the other begins how can I not want to reach out to it? But wanting and missing is not enough. Being wanted and missed is not enough.
Hmm, thoughts from the weekend...
I love my stylist. I got a wonderful haircut that fixed the damage of the last one. It moves and flips and curls just the way it should. Everyone should have a stylist just like her, hip, cute, friendly and been at this job for 20 years now. Understanding is a wonderous thing.
Rent was great. I enjoyed myself despite the headache I gave myself for crying through most of the movie. I'm told there are more touching songs on the soundtrack and find myself intruiged. Contact for one. No the touching comment was not a deliberate pun but I chuckled anyway.
I hate common baby showers. Wedding showers too for that matter. They both seem to be designed to umiliate the center of the party. Why on earth would anyone enjoy that???
That being said I enjoyed the time spent with the Boys and their mom. Need to get up to see their rooms this X-mas visit. Right in there with learning to teleport. My life would be so much less stressed if I could do that. My body would not be in the pain that its currently experiencing.
Rooting through closets and attic at Dad's did not find me my goal but I have now some things of my Grandma's that I shared with her while she was alive. I got really angry coming home because they were packed in such a way that when things got moved they fell and got squished a bit. Nothing damaged but the cardboard box. Not a real issue except that it brought up terror and the resultant anger. Perhaps rage would be a better way to put it. Never allowed myself that before. But these things really are all I have of her. I don't even have a picture of her young or old. Had to figure out how to deal with this emotion and not just take it out on the Honey. Having seen what can happen to relationships where anger or rage is taken out on the other person, I didn't want to do that. Though I can't imagine it was a comfortable 30 minutes until I got my emotions dealt with. He forgave me for being irrational and I managed to deal pretty well. Bad examples seem to do a lot for my motivation.
Bob Evans pumpkin pie rocks. Too bad they don't have those up here. Or maybe its for the best. Losing weight would be even harder than it is. Hmm, pie and biscuits and gravy for breakfast, not necessarily in that order.
I miss my family. The busyness of being in KC over the holidays prevents me from doing some of the things that I enjoy doing with them at the holidays. Course I haven't been able to do those things for a while. The Honey's family has precedence too. Always the balancing act. Guess that's why we're so busy. I kinda envy the people with their and their spouse's families in different cities. Makes it easier to spend more time in bigger chunks.
I keep trying to convince them that they should come up and visit us but they all have some excuse. Everybody's got an excuse why they can't. Nobody ever seems to want to reach out and figure out how they CAN. Leaves me and the Honey always compromising. If we weren't so good at working with each other and communicating we'd be in pretty sad shape. I sure am glad we know how to support each other. There go those bad examples giving good lessons again.
Missed Lawrence completely this trip. *sigh* Ah well. Have I mentioned I could live there? Well, I could. Nice town once you get past the whole chickenhawk thing. I get the feeling that even if I lived there my family wouldn't come and visit me. They never did in Lee's Summit, why bother driving another hour? Wow I am whining a lot. I did mention that depression was trying real hard to get hooks in me right?
Mircowave instant oatmeal does not work for No-Bake Oatmeal cookies. Do not try to substitute almost a cup of it for the quick oats the recipe calls for. Tasty sludge is what you'll end up with.
The Plaza rocks. Specially when experienced with Berkie. Threw some change at Pomona, drooled over Williams-Sonoma, totally enjoyed the lights and the people, rubbed the boar's nose. She and the Honey even made me eat. Found the most amazing photographer's gallery there across from BnN. I nearly cried at some fo the prints he had. Thomas something or another. Really great stuff. Color and density was stunning.
Totally shocked at the NKCGeeks dinner when the hubby of one gal pipes up and says, "So I'm curious about your poly thing. What can you tell me?" Well good goddamn. A; I had no idea that he knew about that. B; Its not a real comfortable subject for me to talk about right now(gee can ya figure out why). C; He had no way of knowing that and he was genuinely curious because of some shit they had going on in their life. Couldn't just walk away from that conversation. Literally, since I was sitting at a dinner table with him but I did feel a bit ambushed. He had found out about it from an email I sent his wife and went looking to satisfy his curiosity. Then he wanted the real life input of someone, namely me. I managed pretty well according to the Honey. Only once, okay maybe twice, did I feel the need to cry. I managed to get that under control by letting the Honey talk for a while since he has been through just as much as I have for all that he isn't the one with the open relationship outside our marriage. I suppose I don't have that anymore either. *sigh* Anyway he and his wife were having issues, emotional infidelity, how silly does that sound? Not silly at all to the people involved. It can hurt more to know that the one you love has become emotionally attached to someone else even if they haven't acted on those feelings. And those who have the feelings, are they just supposed to act like those feelings no longer exist? Treat their loved one like a disease to be gotten rid of and hopefull forgetten? It all depends on the people and the sitation. I was really happy to hear that they are going to counseling. Yeah there was dishonesty but there was also obviously a need not being met otherwise it wouldn't have come up in the first place. Everyone plays a part in making a situation what it is. No one is blameless. That is one thing I have learned from all this.
Got to see B&J for a few minutes. They look so great. I had some doubts for a while but I think they're gonna make it. They seem to have finally figured out how to communicate! Yeah for more communicating people in the world. OWN YOUR NEEDS! Only you can see that they are met! Love them dearly, looking forward to their wedding next May. Hmm still plotting what to wear.
Lost my filter bottle. Left it at a restaurant. They apparently didn't see its inherent value and threw it away. The Honey being the amazing man he is has already engineered it replacement depsite it being not in production anymore! Hooray for EBay! Hooray for the Honey!
I think thats all of the weekend. Kitty Cat has managed to be right next to me ever since I got home. Doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing or where, she'll find me. Right now she's being warmed by the top vet of the monitor. She has been faced away from me for several hours now. I'm pretty sure she thought it was time to go to bed a long time ago but is unwilling to give up her post. Ooo, BIG Strech! Sleep time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-29 02:12 pm (UTC)Family
Date: 2005-11-29 02:27 pm (UTC)I was releived. Yet, it also saddens me. Because it means that the familial connection (as tenuous as it is) will be lost. It's a family pattern in both of our families. One I think it would be good to change. Yet, how? Unless we win lotto, we don't have the $$ to fly off to NYC on a regular basis. It's a pricey vacation for us.
On a totallly different note, are you interested in Saturday bellydancing? I don't know when the next session begins (I suspect in January), but there is a Beginning class on Saturday mornings (10 - 11:30) at Cassandra's school. I'll follow-up to find out when it starts. Cost is $12/lesson or $10 if you pay for 10 up front.
Re: Family
Date: 2005-12-06 12:25 am (UTC)Absoultely! Lemme know what you find out. Hopefull I'll be gainfully employed by then.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-29 03:33 pm (UTC){{{{{hug}}}}}
i never realize how much i miss the two of you until i see you again.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-11-29 06:18 pm (UTC)Amen, sistah. I know EXACTLY what you mean. That's why I'm considering a Psych Masters. What I'll do with it....who knows?
And I LOVE YOU!!!!!