A year in review
Oct. 5th, 2014 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hypatia42I feel like it has been forever since I sat down to write anything of substance. Ordering my head has no been easy but maybe the act of writing things out will help. Fair warning, this might not make much sense.
A year ago last Aug EE stopped talking to me. We communicated only via notes she left at the office and text message.
A year ago in September I put together and successfully managed Family Gathering for B*. For 60 people. From across the country. Yeah that was stressful. But I did it. So far beyond my spoons that I did not recover for weeks.
About a year ago now was when things started to get REALLY bad with EE and Be Wellness. She started dictating everything I should be doing despite me being her business partner and paying rent for half of the space we were both using. At this point I was still the one the majority financial/legal burden despite the fact that she was running the business.
Last November I started working at the mall again because I needed people time. Things deteriorated further with EE and I started looking for another place to host my personal business. The Sunday before Thanksgiving she sent an email and copied the Honey and her fiancee giving me orders. The next day I gave 30 days notice and paid out through the end of the year. That Saturday I broke and dislocated my ankle. I do not remember most of December.
At the beginning of January the Honey left for Paris and I began physical therapy. I was starting to be able to take care of myself but to be honest it was far more than I could handle living alone at that point. Sometime near there I royally pissed off E's live in girlfriend by clearly lining out my boundaries. I might have been able to do it better. I might have stated things differently had I not been so broken and beyond my ability to cope that the idea of anyone NEEDING anything of me other than to keep waking up and feeding myself was more than I could take. Now I cannot be a part of his living. He is unwilling to cut me out completely but I am afraid that if they were to get married I would not be welcome and the idea of that cuts me deeply. I needed to go somewhere and get some support since the Honey was continuing to be gone regularly on the other side of the world. I went out to visit Pat&Mgg towards the end of January.
February was frantically trying to get my physical state back to a place where I could take clients again. Getting really pissed off at my ortho, I'm told that is par for the course. My was experiencing pitting edema around the plate that they put in the fix my ankle and he wasn't listening to my concerns. Tired a lot and detoxing from opiates did not do anything for my ability to cope.
March was getting better. Except the stress that the Honey's new job was giving him meant he was never really home even when his body was. I was assured that it would get better at the end of April.
Mid-April the Honey had to deal with the end of Be Wellness and make that stick so we weren't left holding the bag financially. At the end of April we went to Paris. I decided I couldn't stay home alone again. He got to spend remarkably little time with me while we were there. I sat in my hotel room a lot and read books. I walked places when the swelling in my foot was down enough. I saw things that were spectacular. An ex-boyfriend, Tom Cat, contacted me about his most recent ex-girlfriend. *eyeroll* Maturity is not strong with this one.
Home at the beginning of May for anniversary party and a graduation party. At the end of May I visited Boston and a friend broke trust with me so badly I doubt it will ever mend. I trusted her to take care of me while I could not because I was still weak. She let me down and I am still dealing with the fallout of that. A new baby for Pat&Mgg. The Honey continues to travel but to Denver instead of Paris. This makes things somewhat easier but the promised decrease in stress level has not manifested and he is still not mentally home when he is at home.
June was FSG and cool and rainy weather made being there physically difficult for most of the week. I did get to meet the shining baby. I met a new friend. The one who broke trust with me was also there and problematic. More travel for the Honey.
July I was really looking forward to CON because historically it has been really good for me. It was disappointing this year. I don't know if I can really pinpoint why but I think part of it was the lack of party room to work in. It really helps me. The Honey did go this year and it was neat to see him in that context but I didn't spend much time with him while he was there. I was tired a lot from being on my feet all the time and he really wanted to stay up dancing at the dance party.
August is a haze of allergies and meds. I'm pretty sure the Honey was only gone for one week this month. Labor Day weekend I hosted a come to Jesus meeting and expressed my need for the Honey to really be home. It helped. I started working with a personal trainer to balance out muscle development in my legs.
September I was deposed for the first time. That was spectacularly stressful. I flew out to PHL for a rite of passage for the friend I met at FSG. That nicely coincided with the Honey's latest trip to Paris. Pat&Mgg&Lux took me to the ocean, let me bask in the sun and surf, made me a fairy godmother, and took care of me when I was fragile. I spent time with V and B and K and many of my peeps out there. I missed others but overall it was a good trip. I got to see Jan for the first time in years and she doesn't hate me.
Welcome to October. Its been a stressful year. I haven't been getting my needs much. I am depleted enough that I'm not much good at reaching out right now. I have started working at the mall again. I desperately need people time and I have taken on a retail job to get it. Rituals haven't happened since I don't honestly remember and today we had to cancel Mabon after rescheduling it twice. I broke down and sobbed all over the Honey. I am coming to the end of my will to fight this. I don't know what I can do any longer cause nothing I have tried has worked.
I am so fucking done.
A year ago last Aug EE stopped talking to me. We communicated only via notes she left at the office and text message.
A year ago in September I put together and successfully managed Family Gathering for B*. For 60 people. From across the country. Yeah that was stressful. But I did it. So far beyond my spoons that I did not recover for weeks.
About a year ago now was when things started to get REALLY bad with EE and Be Wellness. She started dictating everything I should be doing despite me being her business partner and paying rent for half of the space we were both using. At this point I was still the one the majority financial/legal burden despite the fact that she was running the business.
Last November I started working at the mall again because I needed people time. Things deteriorated further with EE and I started looking for another place to host my personal business. The Sunday before Thanksgiving she sent an email and copied the Honey and her fiancee giving me orders. The next day I gave 30 days notice and paid out through the end of the year. That Saturday I broke and dislocated my ankle. I do not remember most of December.
At the beginning of January the Honey left for Paris and I began physical therapy. I was starting to be able to take care of myself but to be honest it was far more than I could handle living alone at that point. Sometime near there I royally pissed off E's live in girlfriend by clearly lining out my boundaries. I might have been able to do it better. I might have stated things differently had I not been so broken and beyond my ability to cope that the idea of anyone NEEDING anything of me other than to keep waking up and feeding myself was more than I could take. Now I cannot be a part of his living. He is unwilling to cut me out completely but I am afraid that if they were to get married I would not be welcome and the idea of that cuts me deeply. I needed to go somewhere and get some support since the Honey was continuing to be gone regularly on the other side of the world. I went out to visit Pat&Mgg towards the end of January.
February was frantically trying to get my physical state back to a place where I could take clients again. Getting really pissed off at my ortho, I'm told that is par for the course. My was experiencing pitting edema around the plate that they put in the fix my ankle and he wasn't listening to my concerns. Tired a lot and detoxing from opiates did not do anything for my ability to cope.
March was getting better. Except the stress that the Honey's new job was giving him meant he was never really home even when his body was. I was assured that it would get better at the end of April.
Mid-April the Honey had to deal with the end of Be Wellness and make that stick so we weren't left holding the bag financially. At the end of April we went to Paris. I decided I couldn't stay home alone again. He got to spend remarkably little time with me while we were there. I sat in my hotel room a lot and read books. I walked places when the swelling in my foot was down enough. I saw things that were spectacular. An ex-boyfriend, Tom Cat, contacted me about his most recent ex-girlfriend. *eyeroll* Maturity is not strong with this one.
Home at the beginning of May for anniversary party and a graduation party. At the end of May I visited Boston and a friend broke trust with me so badly I doubt it will ever mend. I trusted her to take care of me while I could not because I was still weak. She let me down and I am still dealing with the fallout of that. A new baby for Pat&Mgg. The Honey continues to travel but to Denver instead of Paris. This makes things somewhat easier but the promised decrease in stress level has not manifested and he is still not mentally home when he is at home.
June was FSG and cool and rainy weather made being there physically difficult for most of the week. I did get to meet the shining baby. I met a new friend. The one who broke trust with me was also there and problematic. More travel for the Honey.
July I was really looking forward to CON because historically it has been really good for me. It was disappointing this year. I don't know if I can really pinpoint why but I think part of it was the lack of party room to work in. It really helps me. The Honey did go this year and it was neat to see him in that context but I didn't spend much time with him while he was there. I was tired a lot from being on my feet all the time and he really wanted to stay up dancing at the dance party.
August is a haze of allergies and meds. I'm pretty sure the Honey was only gone for one week this month. Labor Day weekend I hosted a come to Jesus meeting and expressed my need for the Honey to really be home. It helped. I started working with a personal trainer to balance out muscle development in my legs.
September I was deposed for the first time. That was spectacularly stressful. I flew out to PHL for a rite of passage for the friend I met at FSG. That nicely coincided with the Honey's latest trip to Paris. Pat&Mgg&Lux took me to the ocean, let me bask in the sun and surf, made me a fairy godmother, and took care of me when I was fragile. I spent time with V and B and K and many of my peeps out there. I missed others but overall it was a good trip. I got to see Jan for the first time in years and she doesn't hate me.
Welcome to October. Its been a stressful year. I haven't been getting my needs much. I am depleted enough that I'm not much good at reaching out right now. I have started working at the mall again. I desperately need people time and I have taken on a retail job to get it. Rituals haven't happened since I don't honestly remember and today we had to cancel Mabon after rescheduling it twice. I broke down and sobbed all over the Honey. I am coming to the end of my will to fight this. I don't know what I can do any longer cause nothing I have tried has worked.
I am so fucking done.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-08 03:28 pm (UTC)This was a very brave thing to do. I think I might lose my shit if I tried to summarize the last 14 months of my life! May it all wash away.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-08 07:00 pm (UTC)Mgg has dubbed this Amy Kippur.
I love you.
(no subject)
Date: 2014-10-10 03:49 am (UTC)