touch needs going unmet
Jul. 29th, 2013 12:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hypatia42I had a bit of a epiphany just now. Had to write it down. I think I have figured out why it has been so hard for me to get my needs met.
Backing up to the source of the epiphany: Last night was the beer bust for the Honey's baseball team. Its a fundraiser so they can get stuff they need like helmets and catcher's gear that individually would be expensive. $20 buys you a cup that for 3 hours gets refilled with nasty beer as many times as you want.
And then there was Glasses. He didn't have them when we met but I can't think of a better pseudonym right now. Glasses and I have never really seen eye to eye. He doesn't get me and I have for years been asking him, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Last night he got so drunk that all boundaries were gone. He grabbed my crotch three times each with escalating levels of violence from me. I almost kicked his knee out the last time and had he not been so drunk he likely would have fallen and been hurt. Then while I was standing at the bar talking with his wife, the Honey, and a couple of other guys he runs up behind me and smacks me in the ass. I did manage to punch him hard in the shoulder before he got away. I was standing at the bar trying to collect myself while his wife is trying to figure out what is wrong and why I am so upset when he does it again. His wife and the Honey wrestle him away from me. I just turned around and walked out the door with tears of rage rolling down my face.
I sat in my car blaming myself. What had I done to warrant this? What could I have done better? Should I have done something other than escalate violence? Probably but I am not sure that would have changed anything given how drunk he was. Why me? He wasn't treating any other woman there like this. He wouldn't dare. Why did he dare with me? What is it about me that makes people(men and women) think its ok to do that?
I don't victim blame other people. Only myself. Its always my fault. I should have been better. I should have known. I shouldn't have stayed for that last drink. I could have anticipated things and avoided this whole situation if I hadn't been drinking too...
Its stupid.
So the thought that came to me is that so many times I have let my guard down and been violated in vulnerability that I can't even ask for or reach out to give touch without feeling like I am going to be violated or violate someone else.
Its stupid.
I'm just not sure how to get out of that cycle in my head. Obviously there are people who like touch and won't smack me in the ass or surprise me by touching me inappropriately(ice cold can on bare skin with no warning is a recent example). There have to be people who I can safely trust to be physically close to me and not hurt me.
I think ...it feels like this reaction is worse now than it was years ago. Then again, I don't ever remember being smacked in the ass years ago. I have never dealt with being surprised well. Combine surprise with contact and I get violent apparently. Becoming more and more like a cat as I get older. Cats are able to get past that and be touched when they need it though. Am I anthropomorphizing too much? I dunno its late.
I gotta get past this or I am going to go crazy. No amount of I shouldn't have to deal with this is going to make it so I don't have to. Reality being what it is.
Its stupid.
Backing up to the source of the epiphany: Last night was the beer bust for the Honey's baseball team. Its a fundraiser so they can get stuff they need like helmets and catcher's gear that individually would be expensive. $20 buys you a cup that for 3 hours gets refilled with nasty beer as many times as you want.
And then there was Glasses. He didn't have them when we met but I can't think of a better pseudonym right now. Glasses and I have never really seen eye to eye. He doesn't get me and I have for years been asking him, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Last night he got so drunk that all boundaries were gone. He grabbed my crotch three times each with escalating levels of violence from me. I almost kicked his knee out the last time and had he not been so drunk he likely would have fallen and been hurt. Then while I was standing at the bar talking with his wife, the Honey, and a couple of other guys he runs up behind me and smacks me in the ass. I did manage to punch him hard in the shoulder before he got away. I was standing at the bar trying to collect myself while his wife is trying to figure out what is wrong and why I am so upset when he does it again. His wife and the Honey wrestle him away from me. I just turned around and walked out the door with tears of rage rolling down my face.
I sat in my car blaming myself. What had I done to warrant this? What could I have done better? Should I have done something other than escalate violence? Probably but I am not sure that would have changed anything given how drunk he was. Why me? He wasn't treating any other woman there like this. He wouldn't dare. Why did he dare with me? What is it about me that makes people(men and women) think its ok to do that?
I don't victim blame other people. Only myself. Its always my fault. I should have been better. I should have known. I shouldn't have stayed for that last drink. I could have anticipated things and avoided this whole situation if I hadn't been drinking too...
Its stupid.
So the thought that came to me is that so many times I have let my guard down and been violated in vulnerability that I can't even ask for or reach out to give touch without feeling like I am going to be violated or violate someone else.
Its stupid.
I'm just not sure how to get out of that cycle in my head. Obviously there are people who like touch and won't smack me in the ass or surprise me by touching me inappropriately(ice cold can on bare skin with no warning is a recent example). There have to be people who I can safely trust to be physically close to me and not hurt me.
I think ...it feels like this reaction is worse now than it was years ago. Then again, I don't ever remember being smacked in the ass years ago. I have never dealt with being surprised well. Combine surprise with contact and I get violent apparently. Becoming more and more like a cat as I get older. Cats are able to get past that and be touched when they need it though. Am I anthropomorphizing too much? I dunno its late.
I gotta get past this or I am going to go crazy. No amount of I shouldn't have to deal with this is going to make it so I don't have to. Reality being what it is.
Its stupid.