tv, the bane of my existence
Oct. 4th, 2011 01:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hypatia42before my roommate moved in the tv was upstairs not in the main living space of the house. This was a decision made for my sanity. Obviously that is not possible at the moment since she lives up there.
I added up the number of days in October that I will get to spend with Michael before the 28th and that number is 6. Understandably I got depressed by the thought. So after my last session of the day I came home and sat in front of the tv. Not able to sleep, just waiting around to feel like laying down, watching tv. Its not good for my body or my brain and yet I do it anyway. Not sure what my other options were.
I watched one show that really outlined how difficult it is for people to be chronically ill in our society. Not sure about others cause I don't live in them and lack frame of reference. It is remarkably hard to find people that are willing to accept that, "I'm alive" might be all you've got for the day. So difficult to know who is able to accept the way things are for you and not try to fix the unfixable or honor your decisions.
Some days just suck. That is true for everyone. That is ok.
I also rediscovered in my head the impulse to not bother eating right and working out is linked to the two car accidents. Such a strange dialogue to have. "Why bother, you're just going to get in another wreck and all that work will go down the drain again." I keep telling myself that I'm worth the effort and most of the time I know I am. But that tape is still running, sabotaging me when I'm not present enough in my head to notice.
Josh bought a house.faedaugther is talking about going to CO for most of Jan. I wonder if I could do that, skip town and see FL. Curl up in the sand, soak in the sun, be held.
God I'm glad I'm going to the ocean soon. I know its the wrong side of the country to get warm water but it has to help some. Right? Cause this is getting worse.
I added up the number of days in October that I will get to spend with Michael before the 28th and that number is 6. Understandably I got depressed by the thought. So after my last session of the day I came home and sat in front of the tv. Not able to sleep, just waiting around to feel like laying down, watching tv. Its not good for my body or my brain and yet I do it anyway. Not sure what my other options were.
I watched one show that really outlined how difficult it is for people to be chronically ill in our society. Not sure about others cause I don't live in them and lack frame of reference. It is remarkably hard to find people that are willing to accept that, "I'm alive" might be all you've got for the day. So difficult to know who is able to accept the way things are for you and not try to fix the unfixable or honor your decisions.
Some days just suck. That is true for everyone. That is ok.
I also rediscovered in my head the impulse to not bother eating right and working out is linked to the two car accidents. Such a strange dialogue to have. "Why bother, you're just going to get in another wreck and all that work will go down the drain again." I keep telling myself that I'm worth the effort and most of the time I know I am. But that tape is still running, sabotaging me when I'm not present enough in my head to notice.
Josh bought a house.
faedaugther is talking about going to CO for most of Jan. I wonder if I could do that, skip town and see FL. Curl up in the sand, soak in the sun, be held.God I'm glad I'm going to the ocean soon. I know its the wrong side of the country to get warm water but it has to help some. Right? Cause this is getting worse.