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hypatia42For a very long time I have wandered back and for on the pendulum of being completely open to keeping things to myself, regarding my personal process and growth. I find I am in a more discretionary phase right now and in looking at it I'm not really sure I like the source. It is fear. I don't like living in fear. I dislike dealing with people who live in a fear based paradigm. I said yesterday that living in fear prevents you from living and got an ear full of how irresponsible and willfully ignorant that stance is. Urg.
My whole life has been a lesson in "the only person you can change is yourself" and having that is difficult. I would like to rail against the injustice of the way others and I have been treated. Ultimately I cannot change another person. People who do not know me and do not interact with me will still continue to bad mouth me. It is up to me how I deal with it. I can either accept the treatment or I can walk away from the situation. My choice. My responsibility.
I've been running my own business. Not an easy task let me tell you. Its not just a show up and punch the time card sort of thing. Not only do I have to be able to physically do my job, I have to do all the background marketing and taxes and paperwork and do I need to go on? If I have seemed a little absent, I've been a little busy.
I've been recovering from physical trauma. Just when the effects were decreasing to the point where it wasn't effecting my work, it happened again. I'm back to the place of only being able to work and sit around. If I have seemed a little spacey, I'm tired and in pain.
Some days I need to be told that it will be ok. Guess what? I will ask to be told that when I need it. If I am having an emotional day I will say that too and do my best to convey that its just a day and that it is not your fault. I am one of the few people out there that feels I have control of my choices and that I can choose how to feel. I may not be able to choose to be pain free but I can choose how I interact with the world. I don't have to be mean and spiteful just because I hurt. Other people do not need to be in a bad mood just because I hurt. In fact, if I hurt and I can still smile, someone else will smile too, and that will make the world a better place. I don't have a way to help people understand this about me. Just take it on faith that I will communicate my needs no matter what anyone else does or does not do.
I thought long and hard about locking this post down hard. I'm afraid it will be taken wrong. I'm afraid that someone, several specific someones actually, will take it personally and that is not what it is about. This is the culmination of a lot of things that are going on. I just want to be able to do my processing without someone coming to me and asking if it is all about them. So I'm not locking it. I am turning off comments tho. Cause its not about you. If you think it is then maybe you should figure out why you think that and leave me out of it.
My whole life has been a lesson in "the only person you can change is yourself" and having that is difficult. I would like to rail against the injustice of the way others and I have been treated. Ultimately I cannot change another person. People who do not know me and do not interact with me will still continue to bad mouth me. It is up to me how I deal with it. I can either accept the treatment or I can walk away from the situation. My choice. My responsibility.
I've been running my own business. Not an easy task let me tell you. Its not just a show up and punch the time card sort of thing. Not only do I have to be able to physically do my job, I have to do all the background marketing and taxes and paperwork and do I need to go on? If I have seemed a little absent, I've been a little busy.
I've been recovering from physical trauma. Just when the effects were decreasing to the point where it wasn't effecting my work, it happened again. I'm back to the place of only being able to work and sit around. If I have seemed a little spacey, I'm tired and in pain.
Some days I need to be told that it will be ok. Guess what? I will ask to be told that when I need it. If I am having an emotional day I will say that too and do my best to convey that its just a day and that it is not your fault. I am one of the few people out there that feels I have control of my choices and that I can choose how to feel. I may not be able to choose to be pain free but I can choose how I interact with the world. I don't have to be mean and spiteful just because I hurt. Other people do not need to be in a bad mood just because I hurt. In fact, if I hurt and I can still smile, someone else will smile too, and that will make the world a better place. I don't have a way to help people understand this about me. Just take it on faith that I will communicate my needs no matter what anyone else does or does not do.
I thought long and hard about locking this post down hard. I'm afraid it will be taken wrong. I'm afraid that someone, several specific someones actually, will take it personally and that is not what it is about. This is the culmination of a lot of things that are going on. I just want to be able to do my processing without someone coming to me and asking if it is all about them. So I'm not locking it. I am turning off comments tho. Cause its not about you. If you think it is then maybe you should figure out why you think that and leave me out of it.