progress

[hypatia42]

I think I understand the rule about not charging for teaching. It makes intuitive sense at this point.

I have pieces, almost all of them, for the fitted dresses for the wedding. Two left. My back is killing me now but progress has been made.

It continues to astound me, what people will blame on others to try to avoid taking responsibility. I wonder if everyone gets blamed like this and they just don't recongize it cause they don't pay attention o if its just me because I do pay attention. Some questions, it is ok to leave unasked.

I have taken my supplements, I have been doing a good job with my new moon vow to wash my face, I have been eating less sugar and simple carb type products. Its getting impossible to find my personal drug preference so I find myself consuming less caffiene. This is probably a good thing on the taking care of me front.

Not sure what to do about the tired and sore front. I really really wish it'd just go ahead and rain. This human barometer is tired of the pressure.

Comments

[arkhamrefugee.livejournal.com]

Trust me, lots of people get blamed for asking uncomfortable questions. More blame starts following when the asker calls the asked on blatant hypocrisy and willful ignorance.

Nothing for it but to enjoy the knowledge that you actually know what is going on.

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thanks.

I've not found it helpful in the past to call people out on hypocrisy and willful ignorance. Generally if they are that far mired in their shit it'll only make any problem I'm trying to deal with worse. I am definitely willing to step back and go, "Whoa, this is *so* not my shit."

It helps to have a decent working handle on what my shit is though... :)

[fairgoldberry.livejournal.com]

I see a lot of blame across various communities I'm in, and what stuns me most about it is how unconscious most of it is. People just assume that whatever's wrong in a communication or relationship must be wrong with the other person. It's not necessarily a conscious avoidance of responsibility, but a pure inability to see where one's own flaws are, or how one might have made different choices. I think we all do this, and maybe people don't notice when it's done to them as much because of the same self-absorption. How could the other person possibly be seriously blaming me if I clearly didn't do anything wrong? He's just wrongheaded all around.

I think it's OK to leave any question unasked. People should only ask questions if they're really prepared to deal with the answers, and if they're prepared for those answers to be something other than 'yes' or 'no'. Because I think when we ask a question that scares us, we set a dichotomy in our heads, that either the other person will be 'on our side' or 'against us' and we're not prepared for the possibility of a thoughtful, carefully-weighed neutral answer. When we get that neutrality, since we were prepared to meet advocacy or opposition, we often shoehorn the reply into either support or criticism, missing half the message either way and frustrating the heck out of the other person. And even if we hear the other person as being 'on our side' then their further attempts to get the rest of the message through to us will feel like attacks, all the more so coming from a supposed ally.

I'm finding lately that it helps a lot, when someone says, "I want you to be honest with me," to ask myself if what he really means is, "I want the truth to be that you agree with me, and I want you to acknowledge that truth."

Just as it's OK to leave some questions unasked, it's equally OK to leave some unanswered. The contents of our heads are ours to dispense or not as we choose, and though it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that loving someone means we 'owe' that person full honesty and access to what we're thinking, we have a responsibility to ourselves to decide what, exactly, we're going to let out of our brains into the wider world.

Much love,
Rowan

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

In my work for Love with people I have long learned the value of asking just the right question at the right time. That is generally not a question that I need an answer to but a question that they need to answer to themselves.

Much like I truly believe there needs to be a good hard look at why you would communicate something with someone about a situation where you percieved hurt(ex: do I really need to send that very frank letter to my ex? What would it gain? Am i simply indulging my petty need to transfer blame? etc...), I feel it is important to think about the consequences of asking a question. Does it really need to be asked or am I simply indulging my curiosity? Its not always easy to tell. And for those out there with terminal need to know everything poking at things like that can cause huge blow ups by asking questions that the other person wasn't ready answer honestly to themselves yet.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. The topic has moved far beyond what made me think about it in the first place but it has been good for me to think about the chain of consequences with regards to asking and answering questions.

[fairgoldberry.livejournal.com]

I definitely agree that it's important to look at the consequences of asking a question. Questions can be incredible catalysts.

Perspective is a responsibility, of sorts. Perhaps from outside you I can see the question I think you need to answer to yourself, and it is true it's an important question for you to answer, but it's also possible that the perspective I have doesn't show me that there is another question you could answer instead, that would take your thoughts in a different direction.

The right question at the right time is an incredible blessing in helping people towards the growth they want (or the growth they need). But I've also found that the right question at the 'wrong' time (or the 'wrong' question at the right time...) sparks something wilder, deeper, and more intense. It's a harder ride and a darker path, often, but what emerges from it is something no one could have imagined.

It comes to me that perhaps the idea that there is a right time to ask the right question is a red herring, that in a moment of pure catalysis any stigma is going to spark growth, and that there are some questions that will catalyze no matter when they're asked.

A lot of my perspective on this comes from the fact that I'm on a pretty chaotic, intuitive path, which suggests to me that I'm probably not going to find quite as much value in 'right' questions and answers as I am going to find in powerful, alterative ones.

Much love,
Rowan

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

"right" has a tendency to imply judgement and that was not my intent. It is certainly not my place to direct or judge which direction someone could grow. I think right in my meaning is simply saying something that encourages movement rather than shutting down/off, provokes thought rather than placing blame.

[siriciryon.livejournal.com]

*points at likely-terminal need to know everything*
...
*ducks shoe*

Seriously, I hope you don't mind my making light; your message throughout here is good. I'm just in a goofy mood. And seeing things I know are hard for me to do.

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

I am unlikely to throw a shoe at you for admitting you have a terminal need to know everything.

[siriciryon.livejournal.com]

No? You throw shoes often enough because of the Qs that curiosity leads me to ask.
I do accept that shitstorms of varying and unpredictable scales are the result of feeding my curiosity, at least.

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

As long as that finger was pointed at yourself, I'm good.

[siriciryon.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was at me. Your curiosity seems (very oddly) more tempered than mine.