I used to work with a really cool woman who happened to be a newly diagnosed diabetic. She was still able to manage with diet most of the time, but she had to be pretty hard core about "No, seriously, it's time for me to eat now." Because I have that whole "Not stopping to eat" tendency, she pulled me aside once and read me a minor riot act.
Basically, she said, it's not only an act of self-care to say, "OK, this is my limit and I'm not going to push it just because I wish I had the capacity to keep going." It's also a personal statement about your priorities and values.
One of the things that women are taught from early on is that we don't really have the right or space to set limits and expect them to be respected, that we don't really have the ability, in our lives, to establish our own boundaries for health and safety and emotional well-being. We get constant reinforcement that we should put others' needs and expectations ahead of our own, 'be nice' and 'get along' and push ourselves for as long as we can keep putting one foot in front of the other, if that's 'what the situation calls for.' That often lies at the root of feeling like you're a failure, or weak, or a loser for saying, "I have reached the point where I wish to stop, even though I could technically keep going." Because, you know, you *could* keep going, and isn't it just so selfish of you to be concerned about conserving your own energy when you really only need to give 'just a little bit more'?
The belief that women don't have the right to set and enforce personal boundaries is a socially pervasive problem. Jobs, relationships, parenting, all sorts of situations. So it's important, whenever we encounter an opportunity to set limits for our own well-being, that we embrace the chance to do it as a small act of social justice and equality, not just as an act of self-preservation. We shouldn't grudgingly confess our limits as if they were dirty secrets about personal failings. We have to frame it as "I do this because I am teaching those around me to expect and respect the fact that I clearly and openly communicate my limits and boundaries and I expect others to respect them."
I hesitate to suggest framing personal care as a feminist act, but I am finding so much resistance socially to the idea that I have *any* right to expect and enforce respect of my limits that it's hard to see it as anything else.
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Date: 2009-03-06 12:57 am (UTC)Basically, she said, it's not only an act of self-care to say, "OK, this is my limit and I'm not going to push it just because I wish I had the capacity to keep going." It's also a personal statement about your priorities and values.
One of the things that women are taught from early on is that we don't really have the right or space to set limits and expect them to be respected, that we don't really have the ability, in our lives, to establish our own boundaries for health and safety and emotional well-being. We get constant reinforcement that we should put others' needs and expectations ahead of our own, 'be nice' and 'get along' and push ourselves for as long as we can keep putting one foot in front of the other, if that's 'what the situation calls for.' That often lies at the root of feeling like you're a failure, or weak, or a loser for saying, "I have reached the point where I wish to stop, even though I could technically keep going." Because, you know, you *could* keep going, and isn't it just so selfish of you to be concerned about conserving your own energy when you really only need to give 'just a little bit more'?
The belief that women don't have the right to set and enforce personal boundaries is a socially pervasive problem. Jobs, relationships, parenting, all sorts of situations. So it's important, whenever we encounter an opportunity to set limits for our own well-being, that we embrace the chance to do it as a small act of social justice and equality, not just as an act of self-preservation. We shouldn't grudgingly confess our limits as if they were dirty secrets about personal failings. We have to frame it as "I do this because I am teaching those around me to expect and respect the fact that I clearly and openly communicate my limits and boundaries and I expect others to respect them."
I hesitate to suggest framing personal care as a feminist act, but I am finding so much resistance socially to the idea that I have *any* right to expect and enforce respect of my limits that it's hard to see it as anything else.
Much love,
Rowan
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-06 03:51 am (UTC)