motivations
Mar. 5th, 2009 12:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hypatia42Why do you do things with, for, and to yourself?
I do these things to take care of myself. The things I do to take care of myself are not always easily understood by others. Ex: I fairly regularly go to the MOA just to walk around the mall and be around people. Most people I know call that sort of thing punishment. I learned a long time ago that no one is going to take care of me, I have to do it myself. I can take charge of my needs in ways that no one outside my head can. What an empowering thing to be able to do. Really be the owner of my needs. Sure it means admitting that they don't get met all the time and taking ownership of that too but if thats the only price I have to pay I'm will to cough up for it.
These thoughts have been precipitated by a disagreement of my actions last eve. I think I finally internalize why my mother used to tell me that the question Why implies judgement. I don't think it always does and that it can be asked just out of curiosity but when presented with, "Why on earth would you do somehting like that to yourself?" I get the implied judgement. Boy did I bristle at that. 'Nother little quirk of my personality, I try really hard to not emote in a reactive fashion. I find that when I react in that fashion it tends to hurt others because of the implied judegement. I stop, I think, I try to see it from their POV, and the I do my utmost to not take whatever it is personally because ultimately it has nothing to do with me. Rather than tell him off and let it be I tried for an hour and a half to help him understand why I would do something like that, what I get out of it, and that its no reason to get upset.
In the process I allowed myself to lose all the good I had done for myself by taking care of me in the ways I am able. I stayed up way too late because I was riled up and not able to calm myself. I watched TV, I read a book, I talked to the Honey for a bit before he went to bed. I don't let many others do this to me. I don't get riled up by random encounters on the road because of stupidity. By and large, I don't allow other's foul moods to ruin my good mood. My question for myself is why I allowed this to effect me in such a detrimental way that I am still feeling it today.
I do these things to take care of myself. The things I do to take care of myself are not always easily understood by others. Ex: I fairly regularly go to the MOA just to walk around the mall and be around people. Most people I know call that sort of thing punishment. I learned a long time ago that no one is going to take care of me, I have to do it myself. I can take charge of my needs in ways that no one outside my head can. What an empowering thing to be able to do. Really be the owner of my needs. Sure it means admitting that they don't get met all the time and taking ownership of that too but if thats the only price I have to pay I'm will to cough up for it.
These thoughts have been precipitated by a disagreement of my actions last eve. I think I finally internalize why my mother used to tell me that the question Why implies judgement. I don't think it always does and that it can be asked just out of curiosity but when presented with, "Why on earth would you do somehting like that to yourself?" I get the implied judgement. Boy did I bristle at that. 'Nother little quirk of my personality, I try really hard to not emote in a reactive fashion. I find that when I react in that fashion it tends to hurt others because of the implied judegement. I stop, I think, I try to see it from their POV, and the I do my utmost to not take whatever it is personally because ultimately it has nothing to do with me. Rather than tell him off and let it be I tried for an hour and a half to help him understand why I would do something like that, what I get out of it, and that its no reason to get upset.
In the process I allowed myself to lose all the good I had done for myself by taking care of me in the ways I am able. I stayed up way too late because I was riled up and not able to calm myself. I watched TV, I read a book, I talked to the Honey for a bit before he went to bed. I don't let many others do this to me. I don't get riled up by random encounters on the road because of stupidity. By and large, I don't allow other's foul moods to ruin my good mood. My question for myself is why I allowed this to effect me in such a detrimental way that I am still feeling it today.
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-05 08:05 pm (UTC)When she says
Date: 2009-03-05 08:37 pm (UTC)Tangent!
Date: 2009-03-05 08:34 pm (UTC)Re: Tangent!
Date: 2009-03-05 11:44 pm (UTC)Re: Tangent!
Date: 2009-03-07 05:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-06 03:43 am (UTC)I have to ponder the thing your mother used to tell you about people asking why.
I am so sorry, still, about messing up all the effort you went to. :(
(no subject)
Date: 2009-03-06 07:41 pm (UTC)