(no subject)

Ah the temptation to drink myself silly tonight after clinic is strong. My sensible nature will prevent that though.

I'd like to take a moment to express my dearest love and affection for my husband. He is wonderful. I would not have been so composed last week if not for his presence and calming effect on me. Loving support is a wondrous thing.

(no subject)

I have recently been told that I come across as very self-confident. This was a bit of a shock cause I regularly don't feel particularly confident. How I see me and how others see me is obviously different. Case in point. I got up and sang this evening... in front of people, by myself... no accompaniment. I was shaking so bad I felt like I could hardly carry the tune. But I did it. I want to conquer this fear. Mostly cause its there rather than because of any real need to perform. I have a nice enough voice I guess. It is usually reserved for singing around the house or to the Honey though. Sharing my voice like that is so very vulnerable for me. "Obviously I'm not good enough to perform." Probably closer to the, "I don't have the ego to perform."

The whole "good enough" issue has been coming up again. Why is my best not good enough? Enough communication, enough openness, enough honesty. Why do I think I am enough to prevent all miscommunication from happening? Why do I blame myself for other people's issues directed at me? Why on earth should I claim any portion of responsibility for them? I know what is mine, I own what is mine. I have enough trouble managing what is mine. My needs are mine. My job to meet them, even if that does mean that I need to get them met by others. Its my job to communicate them. Mine alone. Why would I think I have any ability to read people's minds and give them what they haven't asked for? I don't know. But this has been a problem for me over the years. Every time I think I have it deprogrammed, another layer comes up to be dealt with.

I love you all. But no matter how you see me, I am heart sore and in desperate need of peace. Moments of emotional stability feel few and far between in the midst of dealing with what needs to get done. I am tired and really need to be held while I sleep. I also need that to be okay. I thought I was in a safe space to have needs and now I have to wonder. I feel that hurt deeply. I'm lonely and scared. And so very tired.

~Mother hold me. Be with your daughter through this. Let me speak your words. Let your strength and wisdom guide me. Let your love shine through with no trace of my ego. I know that is a gift I have to give, but sometimes it is hard to keep my hands open. Support me, please. I am here for you.~