update

I have been, in the past day and a half on LJ, remarkably opinionated, adamant, and forthright. I have said what I mean with no punches pulled and I think I have even done it with tact. I would like to give credit to baggins911 for helping me realize that keeping my mouth shut is doing no one any good and doing me harm.

Now comes the job of carrying this new found ability to say what I mean over into my real life. I admit fear on some fronts. There are some in my life that I have never, in recent experience, felt comfortable saying what I really mean and speaking how I really feel. I shall endeavor to overcome that and still maintain tact and loving relationships with aforementioned parties.

Eldest and stuff

The sequel to Eragon is out as of Tuesday. I think I am going tonight to sit in a bookstore and read it so as to avoid buying it in hardback when the one I have already in QP. I am a geek.

First night in a long while I have had to myself. I had two rather long phone conversations both a little depressing in their own way but supporting my new life outlook at the same time.

My oldest brother's wife is apparently expecting a new little one on the 22nd of Dec. The only thing I could think about that was, "Oh, now they have a perfect excuse to avoid us at Chirstmas. She'll still be 'recovering'" which she very well may be but they wouldn't join us anyway. I have a neice that even her parents are willing to say looks just like me. Its odd looking down at those blonde tresses and blue-gray eyes. Like a reflection. I know she will never get to know me because her father cannot get over whatever it is that haunts him. Its not even me, but I get to deal with it and its consequences.

Someone said the other day that its horrible to make everyone else pay for the mistakes in your past. I agree, but it doesn't mean that I can stop you from making me pay for the things that happened in your past. The only thing I can do is step back and not own it. "This is your shit not mine."

Because its his shit and not mine, because I'm not willing to own his shit and play his game, because I opened my mouth and stated my needs I will never know my neice with my blond hair and blue-gray eyes. It makes me sad but there is little I can do about it. Nothing I am willing to do.

On second thought I'm not going to the bookstore. I know myself well enough that I would walk out of hte store with the book even though I think I should not be buying it. Yeah me, restraint.