*sigh*

Silly bits of melancholy. Michael gets more of what I need from his relationship that I get from mine on a regular basis. He gets to sleep with her. This probably sounds like I'm pouting but thats not it. Really I'm just sad. Probably a bit envious. Both of my boys are extremely emotionally tied up in things that don't involve me, be it work or family and I'm stuck feeling like I've gotten the raw end of the deal. I know that sounds selfish but I don't mean it that way.

Used to be that Michael and I had to schedule a dinner once a week just so that we could spend any time together at all. He's too wrapped up in "To Do's" when we are at home that I can rarely get his attention. Here he doesn't have that kind of distraction but he is still divided between people he cares for. Maybe I do want to be selfish every once in a while. I'm generally not happy without that kind of close contact.

We really need a couple of weeks of vacation with no responsibilities to worry about... not sure Michael can let it all go for that long but it would be nice to try it sometime. Just relax and enjoy each other's company, being okay with touching randomly with no particular reason.

What kind of a person does that make me? That all I really want to do and see myself suited for is to relax and spend time with my loved ones simply loving them. I can think of so many people that I would give that to if I could. "Here is the ability to do what you love and not have to deal with all that other crap. Please, be happy. That is all that I ask."

Crazy thing is some people would not be able to accept something like that gift. It like if they aren't miserable then they aren't worthy human beings. I know too many people like that. I wish I could give them the gift of my love and help everyone to see that it doesn't have to be a fight. But you have to be willing to be loved before you can accept a gift like that.

Maybe it isn't such a selfish thing after all. I won't call it altruistic though. I definitely get something out of giving my love away to others. Especially when they are willing to receive it and reciprocate.

One thing I do know is that I stay up way too late when there isn't someone to crawl into bed with or make me remember that I need sleep. Cursed with being unaware of my own needs because everyone else's are so distracting? Maybe,...probably not, I'm just that absent minded. Eat food, drink water, and sleep enough. Seems simple doesn't it? Yeah well, special kind of stupid an all that...

from the kitties;

Yeah they are finally home safe. We can be mad now!

thoughts from the weekend: Part 1

This morning I and a gaggle of people trooped to Bob Evans to have breakfast at around 12:30-1ish. An elderly gentleman got up to leave about 15 minutes after we got there and wished us a Merry Christmas. He said, "Its so good to see happy groups of people out and about. You all must have gotten what you wanted for Christmas this year." I thought, well no I really didn't, I never do.

Later I was thinking on the fact that it was so evident that we were all enjoying ourselves that he felt compelled to comment. I realized I did get exactly what I wanted for Christmas this year. For the First time in many years I got a whole week of holiday that was basically stress free. I'm not saying it didn't take work or that there weren't moments. But overall I got to spend restful and relaxing time with a lot of people I love dearly. Admittedly the "Kwanzaa" dinner was the most fun for me but I came to grips with the fact that my friends grew into my family long ago. My family sit more in the friends category now, except I feel more obligation...

I got "family" pictures of the Manor House bunch. Looking forward to getting those developed. I only took three rolls while I was there *rolls eyes* So anyway all you out there who have no idea who these people are will at least be able to say, "oh, thats what the hottie looks like."

It was really nice to be able to spend so much time around so many people this year that I could just be me. It's so much easier than trying to censor yourself or try to be something you're not. Granted Michael's family still does not know for the most part but they are absolutely of the "don't ask don't tell" we've got blinders on kind of people. Thus I can still be me mostly and they won't say anything with the hopes that I won't bring it up if they don't aknowledge it.

Yeah for loved ones who love you back for who you are and not who they want you to be!

thoughts from the weekend; Part 2

So I've been thinking more about becoming "complete" and what that means...

I knew I would have to come to terms with why some people are so uncomfortable around me. Coming to terms with something for me means understanding it to a point. Why are people uncomfortable around me? I think it has many levels but one I'm working with right now is my ability to love a person even when they cannot love themselves. To be able to accept the person as they are, to accept all the flaws when they themselves cannot is not something many people want to see in another's eyes. To love unconditionally who and what they are is a very scary thing. Its confusing and frustrating to think that someone else may see something in you that you aren't seeing. That anyone could be comfortable with the parts of you you don't see/allow/admit often exist.

What do you do with a person that can reach in and hold your pain, sadness, sorrow, anger, and regret? That can know/feel those things intimately and still love you?