hypatia42: (Default)
Same song, different verse.

The Honey's aunt had breast cancer years ago. Today we all found out that it is back. This woman is the reason I have the life I currently live. I never would have met the Honey without her.

I guess I'm not as shaken by this as I was about my mom. There's the part of my head that knows that time is a construct and I should be able to let this go but damnmit I want to be able to get through one crisis and be done with it for a bit before the next one hits. Life doesn't happen that way. Still wanna whine.

The Honey and I are scheduled to go on vacation in May. It will be good. It will be enough.*deep breath* We can face anything together.
hypatia42: (Default)
Michael leaves for Paris in a little over 2 hours. He is only gone for a week this time but I am feeling depleted and down at the outset. I'm not looking forward to this week you might say. I had hoped that I would be able to go visit someone else for a part of this week but work schedules being what they are didn't match up well enough to make that happen. One step at a time, one day at a time.

The original plan for Michael to be gone the first two weeks in October and I was to fly to Dublin to visit friends. He would have met us for a long weekend and then gone on to London. We decided that wasn't wise if we truly want to go to Costa Rica next spring for his 40th. His trip got moved and shortened which is good. But, the decision to not have me go with for this trip is leaving me feeling lost and without connection.

In true ADD style I lost two of the scripts for my ADD meds. These are the kind that CANNOT be replaced if you lose them so I'm scraping by until December. A different system must be devised if I am going to continue to be on meds that are restricted from electronic transfer in the future.

It has been a rather gray fall so far. I can't say I am thrilled about where my brain is at. I don't know what to think or how to manage this right now. I keep wanting a hammock in a sauna with a sun lamp. I don't have one of those handy. I recognize that is some people's version of hell but I'm me and it is what I want. Cuddles and pets would not go amiss.

May 2016

May. 5th, 2016 12:29 am
hypatia42: (Default)
I am barely keeping my head above water as I am treading. Barely but I am doing it. This is a nice change over the last year or so.

In May I am planning for Beltane, hanging my art at a local art festival and all the prep that requires, visiting KC for about a week for grad parties, ConQuest, and a birthday party, and then final prep for the Pirate Cruise. Honestly that is about three too many things for me t obe lead on and still keep track of everything. I feel like I'm losing track of things.

I am truly grateful that the Honey hears me when I say I am getting overwhelmed and helps me prioritize, organize, and stay on track. He really is amazing at helping me to see what the next step is and that even though I feel overwhelmed, I have what it takes to make everything work. Did I mention blessed?

Getting ready for Art-A-Whirl means getting business cards, website, portfolio, stock, etc... all ready to display on the 22nd of May. Kinda freaky. Feeling very imposter syndrome even though it was last year at this event wandering around thinking I am better than any photographer I saw displayed that put me on this path. I will get through this. I am good at what I do. What I do is different from what other people do. People want to see what I see and want to own copies of my visions. SMIB

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Just chatted with PIC for a bit. He had to cut short our scheduled time because of a work meeting but it was still good to hear from him. We are planning a trip together early next year so talking about options is fun. He is dealing with some health issues and his mom recently got diagnosed with lymphoma so we talk about a lot of health things.

It is good to just talk about stuff sometimes. Actively work at keeping up with a person's life rather than trusting that they are following along on facebook. I don't post much of substance there these days. Its okay. I watch funny videos and see pictures and oh look, cats. It is a thing that I am not willing to give up for very valid reasons but it isn't doing for me what it used to.

I'm going to Sacred Space this coming weekend. I am taking Keith's ring and his Hecate key with me. I will get to see what the people who have custody of the images I took did with them. Death and body prep is an emotionally charged process. I took pictures. There is a part of being on the other side of a camera that is distancing. I think I am going to cry a lot seeing the presentation. Even though I was there.

Much work has been done over the past 9 months to get me to a healthier place. I am looking at the coming weekend as the culmination of this work. I will walk in with as few preconceived notions about what that work will look like as I am capable of. It is important to me to let go and trust the process. I'm actually looking forward to it.
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While we were gone to KC for Christmas we paid a friend to paint the interior second floor of our house. It never got completely finished from when we started ~9 years ago. All kinds of health issues were cause by that but we came home and it was done. The living room is a lovely spring-like green which the Honey will eventually get used to. The dining room is still red but it is a lighter color and not as reflective. The kitchen is a beautiful nautical dark blue, not navy. The little mudroom is a pale aqua called Tidewater. All of the trim and the soon-to-be-ex office is all an off white called Marshmallow. It looks so much brighter and more vibrant in here. I love it. I also love the fact that it is done.

Mom started the next round of chemo, Taxol this time. It has completely different side effects and things to deal with. This time it is a weekly infusion. Really not fun times. She's doing okay mentally for now. She had three weeks off in December where she got to feel more normal than she has for months. I think it helped.

I find myself in need of a sewing machine. Among other things. But there are priorities ahead of that. So I go sewing over at a friend's house on the regular.

My word for the year this year is movement. I need to get up and move more. I hurt a lot but really, moving gently and constantly will improve that. I have the capacity. My word last year was Health. The year certainly made me face some health things in myself and others that I didn't expect. I think I'm on the road to better health. Here's to moving more.

I was going to visit Vegas next weekend with friends but it got canceled a while back, then re-planned after I had made other plans. I'm going to visit friends in FL. I will see the sun. I will be surrounded by loved ones and FoC. It will be good for me. I need to figure out what all to take with me. Hooray for Silver status!!
hypatia42: (pic#245179)
I guess its that time of year again. Introspective. Quiet. Dark enough that I'm going to go mad. I wonder if the reason this doesn't set in until after the holidays is because we are so much doped up on sugar and parties and familial expectations. Honestly I just wonder about too much this time of year.

I think too much. I don't believe there is a way out of this. I've never found one. Keep moving I guess. Put one foot in front of the other. Less than 12 days until I get freed from the boot. At least then walking will be easier. PT last week said I am doing well. Still feel so cooped up though. Taking deep breaths and trying my best to roll with it.

I asked the Honey what he wanted, if he was happy or merely content. I want him to be happy. I am also afraid that I am holding him back. Its not a rational fear so don't go lecturing me. I feel inadequate and broken so I am projecting. I get that. Doesn't keep me from having to deal with the feeling.

I started chanting to myself earlier, "I am strong, I am whole, I am able." I am beyond elated that I get to go to Hawai'i. Pending Dr's approval I am going to get scuba certified. I am scared and excited and really looking forward to going. I wonder if I will just want to stay. I thought that about Greece but no, the air is poisonous there. I pondered the idea that upon global economic meltdown Hawai'i might actually be the best place to be. Isolated yet populous. Capable of being self sufficient, it once was and really it is the global economy that is preventing it from being so now. Fresh water available. I would be killed for being a white girl... everything has a downside.

What it comes down to is that I haven't found a place that works better than here. I can't work hard enough to support myself on HI. I know that. Then my brain goes round again to me being inadequate and broken. I ought to be able to work a full time job. Last time I tried that I got so sick. Hell last time I tried working 20 hours a week I got deathly ill, like 105 degree fevers multiple times in a summer. Badness.

My life works. Why I gotta poke at it? I am not moored by my limitations. I still choose to do things. Sometimes I use more spoons than I have but I am willing to accept those consequences. I travel places, see things, explore and help others see through joyous eyes the wonders of the world.

Fuckit. I should be working at getting photography available. *sigh* It is another thing that takes energy. And attention.

Anise is quite sure that I should pet her and stop worrying about silly things. Pepper is sure that I ought to be in bed cause she can't curl up next to me if I am not there.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm doing better this year than I was last year. By this time last year Michael had been in Paris most of the year and I desperately needed support. Badly enough that I skipped town and went to stay with P&M for a long weekend.

This year my surgery recovery has been so different. I'm still in the boot, which I wasn't this time last year, but my range of motion is back and I don't typically have much pain. I got cleared last week to go swimming so I did that over the weekend. For the first time since before Thanksgiving I felt freedom of movement. Even with muscle atrophy I am still a stronger swimmer that the Honey. This makes us both laugh.

I need to work harder at remembering that he and I have very different strengths and weaknesses. His strengths often seem more applicable in day to day life but that doesn't mean I don't have any. Comparison is the thief of joy and all.

It has been sunny enough on some days that I am not completely losing my mind. I'm hoping I will be gone for the worst of it in March. Going to Hawai'i is a dream come true. I honestly never thought I would make it to a place in life where it was a possibility. I don't care that it is made possible by perks from Michael's work. I am still going. Doing what I can to not feel guilty about that too. Such a strange place in my head.

Small things bring me joy and that is really for the best. I just had ramen for the first time in Years. I don't know how many. Gluten Free ramen. I made the broth with chicken stock from my own freezer. Dear gods that was good. I should remember the brand...

Candle making is happening next weekend. I need to get things set up for that.

That's about it for now. Love.
hypatia42: (Default)
Every once in a while I come across someone one or something in my life that takes me back to The Four Agreements. I am struck by how such a tiny book creates such a lasting impact in me. I should thank E for sharing it with me.

One of the TAs in my last cranio class came up to me and said thank you for being myself because she didn't like me when she first met me and then she realized that it was just her stuff staring back at her that she needed to deal with. My take away from that; I don't need to know that sort of info and I am unlikely to share that type of info even though I am likely to be in the same place as she was at other points in my life.

My ankle recovery is progressing really well. I'm really tired right now but I am weeks ahead of where they said I would be. I'm not even "supposed" to be out of the boot cast yet. I can walk almost normally and I am working on balance on my weak ankle. I still sit a lot but not as much as I was a month ago. I am paying attention to my body and honoring my limits while still working on expanding my abilities. Overall it is working. I am glad. Did I mention tired?

Two weeks ago the Honey was in Paris. Last week the Honey was in Denver. This week he is in Paris and again and next week he will be in London. *deep breath*
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I feel like everything in life has been hit with Calvin's transmogrify ray set to high. So many things changing. I think ultimately it will all be to the good but assimilation of the new patterns will likely take some time.

I lost my girl. Life has been filled with depression, crazy busy, and a profound sense of loss ever since. Figuring out how to deal with the loss of a familiar is ...words fail me. She did so much around here. I'm having to figure out what it all was and try to make up for the lack. I can't say that it has been graceful. I do think it is getting better.

I have another couple of months in my water year before I transition completely to earth. Its looking like those will be all about recovery. A broken ankle takes quite a bit of sit and recover. I start rehab next week. I know my ROM is getting better and the swelling is going down. I go see the ortho again next Monday and I get to tell him that the boot is too big now. Its almost too big to be effective except it still gives some support. I will see what he says. Tuesday is the first PT appt where I get assessed and I will find out what recovery looks like on that front. Daunting is the word.

It is daunting partly because the Honey is leaving Sunday for Paris. Gone for a week. I have no idea how things will turn out that week trying to get by on my own. One day at a time I guess. I do wish I had a remote to unlock the door so people would have an easier time visiting.

Business is completely on hold. Can't work. :-/ Not thrilled about it but I don't have much choice.

I did manage to travel quite a bit this year. I added Phoenix, Baltimore, and Key West to my list of places I have been.

Expressions of care and love have come from some unexpected places. I got a personal phone call rather than a mass message to notify me of something that is likely to change things radically is certain parts of my life. I got a gift mailed to me simply to lift my face into a smile. People I rarely see in person reached out to hold me exactly as I am and tell me that the reason I was worried they would be upset is one of the reasons they love me so much.

There have been plenty of reasons to feel down about this year. However, in the past month I have discovered I can't be depressed on narcotics. I am a much more functional human being when I continue to strive for the good, focus on the positive influences, and express gratitude regularly.

Thank you for being here to witness. And thank 2013 for being over. Viva 2014!
hypatia42: (Default)
I've been busy. Probably too busy. For a long time. Definitely too long.

This week the Honey is in Denver and I have found myself unwinding the extra tension like a spring that has been wound too tight. If you let it go its gonna go wild and possibly break. But if you gently unwind it it'll probably be fine. *sigh*

I have watched more tv in the past two days than I have in months, which isn't really saying much cause I don't think I have watched tv in months. There are a couple of tv shows I have in the DVR queue that I had to go back to Feb for the last one I had seen and I know there is one in there that is as old as December. All the tv watching isn't really good for me though. Hurts my neck and today I am really paying for it. I have a headache so bad my R eye feels stabbity and I am avoiding light sources.

I paid for a massage a bit ago and it was a really good idea. I also know that there is a lot more work to be done, see unwinding above.

Trying not to break in the process of relaxing. The week in FL will be good for that. I will sit in the sun. I will play in the surf. I will visit the ocean realm. I will see people I love who love m in return. I will also be sleeping in a bed that allows rest and recuperation. This is key for vacation!

I need to remember that while I no longer have a uterus cyclically making my life a living hell, I do still have hormones and a small amount of endometrial tissue. This could be contributing to the headache as well.
hypatia42: (Default)
Today I have consumed calories twice, had caffeine, seen my chiro, fed the cats, and paid bills. I am contemplating having a nap before starting packing. My heart feels like it is doing strange things in the rhythm/bp category. Not sure what that is about. I am sure Nell would tell me to be careful cause some of those things can kill you.

Dealing with the aftermath of being glutened at the baseball game the other night. Still bloated and feeling foggy.

Can't manage to stay asleep lately. Its more than a little irritating. I am hoping the nap will help clear things.

I have taken to warning people when I am foggy that, "I am not wording well today." I have also noticed that when I stumble midconversation I will say something like, "...and words." I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who can help me not be stressed by this rather than those who make the situation more stressful. <3

Tomorrow I start a vacation wherein I should be able to chill out and recharge. Last time I planned this my cat died. I am pretty sure that one doesn't count. The universe is now on notice. I need a break. I will pick things up again *after* I get home.

sun lust

Jan. 30th, 2013 03:49 pm
hypatia42: (Default)
I am missing the sun pretty badly. I had a wake up call via a text message I wrote. I said I didn't care what I did on my upcoming trip, I didn't care about it. I looked at that and I realized that is really not me. I realized I have been sleeping more and not really doing much. I realized I have been waiting around for something to happen when really I need to make it happen.

Progress on things under the cut )
hypatia42: (Default)
I feels like forever since I have written here rather than a couple of weeks. The news being simple, nobody died. I always feel like that is a positive thing when traveling to KC for the holidays. Business has been busy though it has slowed this week. I have shit to do and no desire to motivate to do it. I did get painting started at the office.

Bringing up difficult subjects right before bed is not a good idea with me. I should have been asleep hours ago but for an email I didn't want to have to deal with that wasn't even sent to me. I'm doing alright after reading fluff for two and a half hours. Fluff is important in this house. Helps me gain a bit of time and perspective. :)

The test for celiac came back negative. I'm still off of gluten for now considering how terrible I felt for the time I had to eat it for the blood test. Yuck. I am finding that I like exploring with food. I really do like cooking. The improvising with ingredients on-hand is a hoot.

Can't really cook for Shirtless. He dislikes anything with flavor. He has liked the things I have cooked for him. Eh. Rare protein and some inoffensive vegetable or fruit seems to make him happy. I can do that but its not much of a challenge.

I've decided I want to travel more this year. I think I can manage it fairly easily with what is planned at this point. Arizona for spring training, Baltimore for NADWcon, Ft Lauderdale for the wedding, southern MO for a float trip(I hope). I wouldn't mind driving over to Madison to see Mr Bee.

Life is doing its thing. I will be glad when the sun gets a better foothold. I've really felt the cold this year. The girl is hanging on living on stubborn. The Honey will likely be traveling more. I love what I do.

Happy January.
hypatia42: (Default)
home from our trip. Really glad that we got a hotel. GBetty's 80th went off without a hitch other than surprising an 80 year old woman isn't generally going to please her. The drive was uneventful which was nice. I got to swim in the hotel pool and sit in a hot tub.

I'm still on soft foods. I'm a little terrified that I have a gluten sensitivity. Can't eat much in one sitting right now. Not hungry much anyway. The Honey keeps having to ask me what I have had to eat and then making sure I supplement it cause its never enough.

I'm tired. Physically tired a lot of the time, might be because of poor nutrition. Mentally I feel better than I have in a really long time. I hope the mental and physical can meet at some point and morph into a fully functional human being.

I had my first client since my surgery this morning. Low stress client looking for nerve stimulation and circulation stuff. Easy on me. Probably a good place to start. 5 clients in the next two days and then I head to Madison for TeslaCon where I will be relaxing.

Brew things are doing their thing. I need to bottle and rack and clean carboys. I also need more honey. You hear that universe? I need honey!
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm back from Portland. likely to get rambly )
hypatia42: (Girl Genius)
most of them aren't going into this post. :)

BEATRICE: Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the
world but I, and I am sunburnt.

"I've still got sand in my shoes..."

I'm so sorry I didn't get to meet you. I really wanted to thank you. I hope things turn out well.

Its just now midnight where I have been for several days. I should sleep but how?

"What's with the bee?"

Fellowship and blessings upon your household. Give Thanks.
hypatia42: (pic#245179)
I just got the email from Delta saying it's time to check-in. More excited than I really have words for. I am going to visit loved ones. I am going to commune with the ocean. I am going to recharge and renew.

It struck me when I looked at that email that I made the decision to go to the west coast and not the east coast and IG. Either was possible. However, when I looked at the energy balance sheet there was no contest. I knew that going to the east coast would be energy output. There would be no recharging. There would have to be recovery time after a visit like that just to walk back into my daily life.

I have reached a point in my life where I am rarely going to commit to an event or relationship that is net-negative in energy expenditure. Even net-neutral is a hard sell. There are exceptions but most of them involve children or students. IG deliberately excludes both of those populations.

The west coast? Well, there is ocean there. :) And other benefits. KAPOW!
hypatia42: (Default)
Thinking about my trip to Portland next week and getting super excited. Trying to think about things I want to take with me. I need to go to Cacao. The ice cream shop wouldn't suck but my priority is the Kapow bar. The wife y'know. She needs one.

I just replied to a hard email. I'm doing ok though.

I travel a lot. My desire to travel keeps me from doing some other things that I would like to do. I have accepted this as consequence of having to choose. Life may change one day but for now, I love seeing the world and the people that fill it.

I'm exhausted. Kitty Cat did not let me sleep well last night. She cannot curl up on my chest to sleep anymore. She has been sleeping under the covers next to the Honey. The Honey is in CO. This makes doing that not possible. Apparently I am not able to cuddle in the same way, I think this is because I am not as warm as he is. The new doc put her on a new med called gabapentin. Kinda wishing I could go on it myself. Its been good for her.

Still blissfully overflowing from the weekend. Needing to unpack and wash things so I can repack and leave next week.

Be love.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Sooo, there is this person, who has a journal [personal profile] featherynscale, who writes interesting things that make me think about other things and wander down the dirt roads in my mind. This person recently wrote about how cool Mental Floss Magazine is.

*insert pic of dirt road here*

I got to thinking what mental floss would be and how it would benefit me. Dental floss is defines as a soft thread of floss silk or similar material used to clean between the teeth. It helps you remove stuck stuff, stuff you don't want to be there, and stuff that randomly grows there without your permission. So if we apply this to mental floss and you get a tool or substance that removes stuck bits in your head that used to be there to do good things and now no longer are and/or the stuff that randomly grows there without your permission or even desire. I'm imagining the mental cobweb remover from Psychonauts.

How cool would that be? Self doubt, irrational fears, attachment. All kept at bay with regular use of this mental floss. Its a self care thing, like dental flossing. You have to choose to do it cause its not super fun and its kinda uncomfortable but the benefits outweigh the inconvenience so you really just have to remember to do it.

So what would this mythical tool be? Meditation? Intention with appearance? I dunno. It might actually be something different for everyone.

*aside* my sister has a webcam. this means I can read stories to Nephew. /*aside*

I think being able to truly take care of oneself is an important piece to this mental floss.

In other news, I have a date. I am going to go wine tasting. One of my favorite types of dates. Exploring new things and places with other people who also want to explore, its great. Despite knowing that this is something I like doing, I cannot really explain the amount of excitement I have surrounding the event. I'm like bouncy giddy. I'm going to get on a bus with a bunch of other people, most of whom I don't know, and ride around to wineries and what not drinking wine at each and chatting with people I don't know all that well and probably the people I don't know at all if I know myself...at all. :D (love you Honey). I'm thinking about my wardrobe for this event. Its really rare that I do that. I will grant you that I am thinking in practical terms, no white for example(can you imagine how drunk some people are going to get and that always makes white a target), something cool cause who knows what the weather will be like, maybe a wrap in case the bus is chilly, should I take my knitting or will that appear to be a distancing tool like headphones? Why am I thinking about all of this? *headdesk*

I have tickets to fly to the ocean. In good company. Far from giddy, this news makes me feel full to overflowing with contentment and joy. Really looking forward to it.

My oldest boys are each visiting for a week and I am looking for things to do with them. Individual things such that they can't try to directly compare later. My boys. They do compete.

B&K are visiting in July for 10 days. I hope the poor thing doesn't melt. Living in Ireland doesn't really give one the constitution to deal with heat. Not that I can say much. I blame it on growing up in the Andes.

I have dinners scheduled with awesome people. My new food thingies might make it a bit difficult but we will manage. Summer is social time here in the frozen northland. I do wish it was more common to get out in the winter as well.

CONvergence continues to be exciting to plan for. I'm liking the look of things this year. Glad to know that I am able to participate and contribute to the Sir Terry Pratchett's Seamstrees Guild parties. Its super fun, gives me a base from which to work my magic, and surrounds me with loving amazing people.

IttyBitty brought me a surprise. She apparently got a temporary tattoo package. She noticed it had a bee in it so she had to cut it out and present it to me herself. Such a doll. My little pixie child. Many thanks sweetheart.

hypatia42: (Default)
How bad is it? When I take two valerian and a hydrocodone together then 45 minutes later I'm wide awake cause I'm not in pain anymore, its Bad.

Vegas was amazing. Pretty much anyplace that had sun and warm would have sufficed though. We saw Penn & Teller and "O" by Cirque du Soliel. The former was hillarious and magical. The latter was breath taking and magical. Almost all the bars treated my favorite drink like it was a mixed drink when its really more like a martini. There is no need to add soda water to a caiprinha. I also now understand why alcohol snobs say that 007's fav drink it a watered down drink. Shaken just melts the ice faster. I am not fond of watered down. Voodoo was a blast. Dancing was much needed. I saw everything I could see. I won't go back for anything other than a special occasion. I'm not enthralled I guess I should say. In love with the sun though.

Vacation was necessary and good. Need to remember to cut off the claws tomorrow.


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