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hypatia42Sitting here staring at the screen because it is easier to focus on. If I'm not sitting here I'm up wandering. A stout drink did not help and I am not about to light up. That would be the worst idea for me. Though I do understand the appeal for the first time in my life.
One 93 year old woman is doing a good job of dying. She's been dabling for a while into the, "I'm not going to get better," realm. However she's managed to get something that she's not going to recover from. And we aren't doing anything about it other than to give her pain meds. A coupla weeks is all they've given her. Stubborn woman she is, she'll likely last longer. I do come by it honestly. My grandmother.
I have known this was coming for a while now. I didn't really think I'd be like this though. I've not dealt with death much in my life. Just my grandma who was sick but she was still there mentally until the end. And I was there. I could be involved in supporting my dad and siblings. I feel kinda helpless. I want to be able to be there and I can't. Mom'd kill me if I changed my plans to come and sit vigil over a woman who can't remember my existence most days.
Or maybe thats me. I dunno at this point. I feel all kinds of lines being blurred. Lately I have been noticing a trend of situations I am put in, all in different ways, that I cannot affect by my actions. Situations where my actions could not have prevented nor made any better the out come. Everytime I think I've got it another angle comes up and I have to figure out a new piece to the puzzle. I've gotten pretty good ant sitting with myself and just admitting that there may be nothing I can do to affect the outcome directly but I can still love and support, making no judgments, all the people involved in the situation. I can offer until I am asked to stop, and even then I figured out how to sit with that and feel how to be okay with someone not wanting my support and love.
Right now the only person I have to support is me. I have to remember that I need to be supported in these cases too. That over extending myself to support others is a bad idea and in the long term is bad for me. Reinfocring the lesson of taking care of myself first and foremost is a good idea for me. It didn't even occur to me to change plans for FSG and I am proud of that. Grandmother will chose whenever she wants to pass on. She's waiting for her folks not me.
Grandmother. Old batty woman. Always has been in my life. She may, in her death, do something that she would never have done in her life by bringing family back together. I called my older brother's wife to tell her what was going on. She told me to keep her up to date on what was happening and to let her know if there was anything she could do. This after not speaking to our family until I stepped up and called the to get together this past Memorial Day weekend. I have a beautiful neice who looks so much like me its scary. I look just like my mom and she like hers. The family continues.
Grandmother is from the deep south. Her father ran the ice house for their region. There is no ice in the winter so the more affluent families paid sailors to go up to the arctic circle and drag icebergs down to the delta for people to use. Southern aristocrats. My ancestors were officers in the Civil War. She has all that information locked in her head. She's traced out family all the way back to the valley's in Ireland that are still named after our families. She had four children, gobs of grandkids and great grandkids. There are even great great grandkids out there now. Hence the GGmom. She was so proud to live to see and know her great grandkids. That was years ago too. She's lived a magnificently long life. It wasn't easy, it wasn't always happy. She's outlived all her contemporary family, two of her kids, and several of her grandkids.
My drink has mellowed me I think. I'm off to "play" Zelda for a while.
One 93 year old woman is doing a good job of dying. She's been dabling for a while into the, "I'm not going to get better," realm. However she's managed to get something that she's not going to recover from. And we aren't doing anything about it other than to give her pain meds. A coupla weeks is all they've given her. Stubborn woman she is, she'll likely last longer. I do come by it honestly. My grandmother.
I have known this was coming for a while now. I didn't really think I'd be like this though. I've not dealt with death much in my life. Just my grandma who was sick but she was still there mentally until the end. And I was there. I could be involved in supporting my dad and siblings. I feel kinda helpless. I want to be able to be there and I can't. Mom'd kill me if I changed my plans to come and sit vigil over a woman who can't remember my existence most days.
Or maybe thats me. I dunno at this point. I feel all kinds of lines being blurred. Lately I have been noticing a trend of situations I am put in, all in different ways, that I cannot affect by my actions. Situations where my actions could not have prevented nor made any better the out come. Everytime I think I've got it another angle comes up and I have to figure out a new piece to the puzzle. I've gotten pretty good ant sitting with myself and just admitting that there may be nothing I can do to affect the outcome directly but I can still love and support, making no judgments, all the people involved in the situation. I can offer until I am asked to stop, and even then I figured out how to sit with that and feel how to be okay with someone not wanting my support and love.
Right now the only person I have to support is me. I have to remember that I need to be supported in these cases too. That over extending myself to support others is a bad idea and in the long term is bad for me. Reinfocring the lesson of taking care of myself first and foremost is a good idea for me. It didn't even occur to me to change plans for FSG and I am proud of that. Grandmother will chose whenever she wants to pass on. She's waiting for her folks not me.
Grandmother. Old batty woman. Always has been in my life. She may, in her death, do something that she would never have done in her life by bringing family back together. I called my older brother's wife to tell her what was going on. She told me to keep her up to date on what was happening and to let her know if there was anything she could do. This after not speaking to our family until I stepped up and called the to get together this past Memorial Day weekend. I have a beautiful neice who looks so much like me its scary. I look just like my mom and she like hers. The family continues.
Grandmother is from the deep south. Her father ran the ice house for their region. There is no ice in the winter so the more affluent families paid sailors to go up to the arctic circle and drag icebergs down to the delta for people to use. Southern aristocrats. My ancestors were officers in the Civil War. She has all that information locked in her head. She's traced out family all the way back to the valley's in Ireland that are still named after our families. She had four children, gobs of grandkids and great grandkids. There are even great great grandkids out there now. Hence the GGmom. She was so proud to live to see and know her great grandkids. That was years ago too. She's lived a magnificently long life. It wasn't easy, it wasn't always happy. She's outlived all her contemporary family, two of her kids, and several of her grandkids.
My drink has mellowed me I think. I'm off to "play" Zelda for a while.
