grief

Every time I think I am done I find out I am wrong. I laid in bed for a while tonight thinking of the loss of two specific loves in my life. All that could have been and arguably should have been. They both moved on after we broke up to grow and change things in their life that needed changing. I have had to watch as what could have been with me is manifested with another. Remembering all the pain and rejection and feelings of betrayal, how my love wasn't enough to work it out, to make it right, knowing they were being punished for loving me. If only different choices had been made. If only I had been enough. If only people had owned up to their shit *then* instead of letting it get in the way of love.

Don't try to think that the growth they did after I was no longer in their life makes it all worth it. Believe me, that is scant comfort in the middle of the night. "I had no idea what I had when I had it" is just salt in the wound. I knew. I obviously valued it more than anyone else effected by it.

Mebbe this is just a ghost of the pain. Mebbe one day being reminded won't keep me up at night.

(no subject)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enlightened_self-interest

This is what I have been talking about.