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Food has been a fight in the past month. Really it has been since the wreck but more so in the past month. I'm not eating enough. I'm not eating the right things when I do eat. This means I have gained weight. I have proof from my history that when I don't eat enough I gain weight. I don't know how to rearrange my brain such that I remember to eat more and make better for me choices.
Honestly if I were on a normal schedule it would be easier to eat on a normal schedule and have more conscious control over those aspects. Thing is, I'm not sleeping. At least not well at night. Three hours or so broken into 45 minute stretches. I do sleep better during the day. I do not know why.
Kitty Cat still worries me because we don't know what is wrong and she has a random "habit" of going into spazms in the middle of the night when she's asleep. When that gets bad she loses bladder control and it has made me paranoid. I wake at little noises. I saw both our cats together in a very rare situation. I could physically compare them because they were close enough and Kitty Cat wasn't chasing Torby off. Torby's frame is smaller but she is twice the size of Kitty Cat. Kitty cat is tiny. 5.5 lbs. My poor little girl just wants to be independent and I'm waiting in the corner on the off chance that she needs help. I'm willing to let her fall and figure it out to a point but I don't want her to hurt herself too much. I feel like I've become the annoying parent I hate.*
Leaning on caffeine more than I like because I'm not getting the rest I need and I still have to be functional. Likely makes it even harder to sleep at night. *hangs head* Simple carbs help keep me awake too and I have been craving them to the exclusion of other things. And you get back to the beginning of the self supporting cycle(see top of post). I feel like I need something to take me sideways and out of this train wreck.
If this is what parenting is like for me, constant sleep dep and worry, poor food choices, paranoia, emotional instability... you can keep it. I love my girl. I wouldn't change any of my choices and I wouldn't give up my time with her. I am also honest enough with myself to know that I need people around me to be self sufficient and human children are not that for many years.
Prayer: I need help. I can't do this myself. I know I am loved and supported and I still feel like I'm losing this battle. I surrender. I don't know what I need. I am willing to accept help. But I don't know what to ask for and I feel lost. You know your needs are not being met. You need to be touched and you have been focusing so much on everything else that that need has been neglected. It won't fix everything but it will help. It might give you a better perspective from which to tackle the other things you need to deal with. Make the call you need to make. Keep leaving yourself notes. Believe this will pass.
*"But you'd be such a good mother." Add that to the list of things I could never hear again and be happy.
Honestly if I were on a normal schedule it would be easier to eat on a normal schedule and have more conscious control over those aspects. Thing is, I'm not sleeping. At least not well at night. Three hours or so broken into 45 minute stretches. I do sleep better during the day. I do not know why.
Kitty Cat still worries me because we don't know what is wrong and she has a random "habit" of going into spazms in the middle of the night when she's asleep. When that gets bad she loses bladder control and it has made me paranoid. I wake at little noises. I saw both our cats together in a very rare situation. I could physically compare them because they were close enough and Kitty Cat wasn't chasing Torby off. Torby's frame is smaller but she is twice the size of Kitty Cat. Kitty cat is tiny. 5.5 lbs. My poor little girl just wants to be independent and I'm waiting in the corner on the off chance that she needs help. I'm willing to let her fall and figure it out to a point but I don't want her to hurt herself too much. I feel like I've become the annoying parent I hate.*
Leaning on caffeine more than I like because I'm not getting the rest I need and I still have to be functional. Likely makes it even harder to sleep at night. *hangs head* Simple carbs help keep me awake too and I have been craving them to the exclusion of other things. And you get back to the beginning of the self supporting cycle(see top of post). I feel like I need something to take me sideways and out of this train wreck.
If this is what parenting is like for me, constant sleep dep and worry, poor food choices, paranoia, emotional instability... you can keep it. I love my girl. I wouldn't change any of my choices and I wouldn't give up my time with her. I am also honest enough with myself to know that I need people around me to be self sufficient and human children are not that for many years.
Prayer: I need help. I can't do this myself. I know I am loved and supported and I still feel like I'm losing this battle. I surrender. I don't know what I need. I am willing to accept help. But I don't know what to ask for and I feel lost. You know your needs are not being met. You need to be touched and you have been focusing so much on everything else that that need has been neglected. It won't fix everything but it will help. It might give you a better perspective from which to tackle the other things you need to deal with. Make the call you need to make. Keep leaving yourself notes. Believe this will pass.
*"But you'd be such a good mother." Add that to the list of things I could never hear again and be happy.