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keeping up
Nov. 30th, 2009 04:59 pmI think I am sorta caught up on my friend's page, I have read all my comics, the house is picked up, dishes as done as they and laundry ever get, and I have begun packing for my two weeks in Paris. Turns out I have a decent stash of clothes I can use if combined correctly, which I don't usually do ;) Life goes on.
Living in a space of uncertainty makes me appreciate my mother telling me when I was a kid, "If you don't know where you are going, you'll never get there." I like my mom. Every once in a while these little things surface and I figure out what she was trying to say in the first place.
Cards are mostly done. Christmas shopping mostly done, though the remainder promises to be a pain in the ass. People think I am crazy for starting my shopping in Aug and Sept but I like not stressing about it. Or in the case of this holiday, stressing about getting it done before I usually have to because of leaving for Paris. Going to the mall this evening after dinner.
Physicality has been interesting lately. I have been sleeping a lot. Or trying to and failing. Body is tired and low grade unhappy. Kinda like I'm fighting an infection and doing a decent job of it but its taking it toll. Wellness formula? Have I taken it you ask? Hmm, no I haven't. I should do that. Good idea. I'll have some with dinner in fact.
I have a hard decision to make. I have not heard from my brother and his wife for over a year now. I have left phone messages and sent emails. The only reason I got to see my niece and nephew last Christmas was because I drove by their house and went in. Even then A and K were gone to the airport. The kids were there with her mom. Her mom remembered me and let me in to give the kids their gifts. It feels shitty that I am even considering letting the connection with those beautiful children go. I can't make it happen right now though. Maybe I can reach out to the kids when they are older and let them know that they do have a whole other half of a family. I can't imagine the amount of pain this gives my mother. She stopped reaching out to them a long time ago. My brother treated her like shit. I know she wants the connection but there is only so much she is willing to put herself through. Maybe I'm more stubborn than she is. Its not like I don't have a huge number of children in my life that I am truly blessed with. I love all of these children deeply and would do much for them. Oddly I feel it differently. None of them look like me. They don't have my hair and eyes and smile and impish way of dealing with the world. It feels selfish to want that. Maybe just knowing that is out there ought to be enough and I will find that peace someday. I think the hurt comes from knowing the decision is being made for them by their parents, that they don't even know they are missing anything.
Moving through the world I feel like I'm seeing the in between spaces more. Transitions happening. It might just be time for this shiny life filled being to walk the paths of the dead again. We'll see what the new year brings.
Living in a space of uncertainty makes me appreciate my mother telling me when I was a kid, "If you don't know where you are going, you'll never get there." I like my mom. Every once in a while these little things surface and I figure out what she was trying to say in the first place.
Cards are mostly done. Christmas shopping mostly done, though the remainder promises to be a pain in the ass. People think I am crazy for starting my shopping in Aug and Sept but I like not stressing about it. Or in the case of this holiday, stressing about getting it done before I usually have to because of leaving for Paris. Going to the mall this evening after dinner.
Physicality has been interesting lately. I have been sleeping a lot. Or trying to and failing. Body is tired and low grade unhappy. Kinda like I'm fighting an infection and doing a decent job of it but its taking it toll. Wellness formula? Have I taken it you ask? Hmm, no I haven't. I should do that. Good idea. I'll have some with dinner in fact.
I have a hard decision to make. I have not heard from my brother and his wife for over a year now. I have left phone messages and sent emails. The only reason I got to see my niece and nephew last Christmas was because I drove by their house and went in. Even then A and K were gone to the airport. The kids were there with her mom. Her mom remembered me and let me in to give the kids their gifts. It feels shitty that I am even considering letting the connection with those beautiful children go. I can't make it happen right now though. Maybe I can reach out to the kids when they are older and let them know that they do have a whole other half of a family. I can't imagine the amount of pain this gives my mother. She stopped reaching out to them a long time ago. My brother treated her like shit. I know she wants the connection but there is only so much she is willing to put herself through. Maybe I'm more stubborn than she is. Its not like I don't have a huge number of children in my life that I am truly blessed with. I love all of these children deeply and would do much for them. Oddly I feel it differently. None of them look like me. They don't have my hair and eyes and smile and impish way of dealing with the world. It feels selfish to want that. Maybe just knowing that is out there ought to be enough and I will find that peace someday. I think the hurt comes from knowing the decision is being made for them by their parents, that they don't even know they are missing anything.
Moving through the world I feel like I'm seeing the in between spaces more. Transitions happening. It might just be time for this shiny life filled being to walk the paths of the dead again. We'll see what the new year brings.