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me, flirting, and girlyness
Jun. 9th, 2008 01:35 pmAlan Jackson. How I love thy music. Let me count the ways... I am glad I found this CD. Rather, I am glad the Honey found it when cleaning out my pit of a car.
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I have been elated recently thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine. Paraphrasing him, "We have this great rapport, energetic similarities, close physical needs and comfort levels. And yet I don't feel the need to make it a sexual relationship. Huh." Yay! One more person that I can trust to take me as I am and not think anything of it other than, "That is just the way my relationship with Amy works." I don't have to worry about the oh so common assumption that because I am willing to be physically familiar with someone that I will or am sleeping with them.
I am not even doing a particularly good job explaining this feeling. I have been given the knowledge that I am a flirt. I don't really understand it but they tell me its true. I apparently ooze flirt just by breathing. I don't do it on purpose. Me *actively* flirting with someone is far more direct than you would probably expect. I don't do it all that often either. I think because I don't really mean to be doing something that most people consider flirting, I don't generally expect people to assume I'm going to act on me just being me. Course this means that I don't notice when others are subtly flirting with me either.
This has caused a lot of trouble in the past. I had to stop being me for a while to recognize the problem, then relearn how to be me and be comfortable with it. At this point I will be me. I will be honest with people and tell them no. The no part has cause a lot of problem too. Men in particular don't like being told no when they have assumed that you are going to sleep with them. Come to think of it I don't think I have ever had a woman assume I was going to sleep with her. No, I have not. Still, assuming that anyone will sleep with you instead of asking, not nice. That gets you blacklisted. I even communicate the desire to kiss someone and generally ask before doing so if they have not initiated it.
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Confusing bit about my thought processes; I don't understand how I can be girly. I figured out yesterday why I don't feel overtly girly. Girly in my mind requires effort. If a male can wear the same thing I am wearing and not look girly then obviously I am not girly. Lots of people have presented me with the idea that I am always girly. Well, I *am* female. It is hard to avoid this observation looking at me. I am not androgynous and I don't try to be. I'm ok with being female. Does that mean I am girly? Not in my mind. Female=/=girly.
I think my confusion and clearing it up goes back to a conversation I had with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shades_of_nyx. Gender is not an A or B equation any more than sexuality is. There is so much more to it than that. There are men out there that are more girly than I am. Hell, my husband takes more care with his appearance daily than I do. Does that mean that he is girly? Physically no one would mistake the Honey for female. He just couldn't pull it off. But in some ways he is far more girly than I. On the spectrum of butch to fem I am on the fem end. I know how to dress myself to my advantage and put on make-up. Do I bother most days? Hell no. That takes far too much time and energy. I may be on the fem end but I am not the most fem female I know, I am not even the most fem from the pool of men I know.
Why does this matter enough to write it out? Because if you look at me and see girly you are missing a HUGE chunk of the picture. If you see that woman who isn't hiding her body and think that it is all there is you are missing the energetic component of balance(damn libra brain anyhow). Cause know what? I love power tools. I took wood shop in high school, only female in the class. The Honey has used my tool set more than his own in the past several years. Cause I know where all of mine are and they are always in the same place. I know how to change a drive belt and alternator. I can't physically do it anymore but that doesn't mean anything in my mind. I was thinking about this topic today and remembered with surprise, "I actually brushed my hair today!"
Admittedly, some of my confusion with the whole girly thing is my definition of girly. I don't see myself as "girly" because I don't, other than to be clothed in clothes that actually fit, much care about my appearance. That is at odds with my mental image of girly. I'm still a tom-boy that likes to climb trees and hang out with the guys. I just don't happen to be one of them. When the situation warrants I will take pains with my appearance. I clean up pretty good. It confuses me that my definition of practical and comfortable is seen as girly. Ah well, everyone has different definitions.
It is evident that, much like flirting while breathing, this is not something I do on purpose. Others do not see girly as an intent like I do. For the longest time I would adamantly disagree with you if you said I was flirting because I had no intent to flirt. I'm grown-up enough now to be able to accept that my intent rarely means anything to the receiver or perceiver in situations like that. Much the same I'm sure, how I am perceived appearance-wise has little to do with my intent on a day to day basis. I can grok this sort of. I feel that the Honey is a hottie even when he is covered in car grease, as he is today. Perhaps that is what I am running up against.
---
I have been elated recently thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine. Paraphrasing him, "We have this great rapport, energetic similarities, close physical needs and comfort levels. And yet I don't feel the need to make it a sexual relationship. Huh." Yay! One more person that I can trust to take me as I am and not think anything of it other than, "That is just the way my relationship with Amy works." I don't have to worry about the oh so common assumption that because I am willing to be physically familiar with someone that I will or am sleeping with them.
I am not even doing a particularly good job explaining this feeling. I have been given the knowledge that I am a flirt. I don't really understand it but they tell me its true. I apparently ooze flirt just by breathing. I don't do it on purpose. Me *actively* flirting with someone is far more direct than you would probably expect. I don't do it all that often either. I think because I don't really mean to be doing something that most people consider flirting, I don't generally expect people to assume I'm going to act on me just being me. Course this means that I don't notice when others are subtly flirting with me either.
This has caused a lot of trouble in the past. I had to stop being me for a while to recognize the problem, then relearn how to be me and be comfortable with it. At this point I will be me. I will be honest with people and tell them no. The no part has cause a lot of problem too. Men in particular don't like being told no when they have assumed that you are going to sleep with them. Come to think of it I don't think I have ever had a woman assume I was going to sleep with her. No, I have not. Still, assuming that anyone will sleep with you instead of asking, not nice. That gets you blacklisted. I even communicate the desire to kiss someone and generally ask before doing so if they have not initiated it.
------
Confusing bit about my thought processes; I don't understand how I can be girly. I figured out yesterday why I don't feel overtly girly. Girly in my mind requires effort. If a male can wear the same thing I am wearing and not look girly then obviously I am not girly. Lots of people have presented me with the idea that I am always girly. Well, I *am* female. It is hard to avoid this observation looking at me. I am not androgynous and I don't try to be. I'm ok with being female. Does that mean I am girly? Not in my mind. Female=/=girly.
I think my confusion and clearing it up goes back to a conversation I had with
shades_of_nyx. Gender is not an A or B equation any more than sexuality is. There is so much more to it than that. There are men out there that are more girly than I am. Hell, my husband takes more care with his appearance daily than I do. Does that mean that he is girly? Physically no one would mistake the Honey for female. He just couldn't pull it off. But in some ways he is far more girly than I. On the spectrum of butch to fem I am on the fem end. I know how to dress myself to my advantage and put on make-up. Do I bother most days? Hell no. That takes far too much time and energy. I may be on the fem end but I am not the most fem female I know, I am not even the most fem from the pool of men I know.Why does this matter enough to write it out? Because if you look at me and see girly you are missing a HUGE chunk of the picture. If you see that woman who isn't hiding her body and think that it is all there is you are missing the energetic component of balance(damn libra brain anyhow). Cause know what? I love power tools. I took wood shop in high school, only female in the class. The Honey has used my tool set more than his own in the past several years. Cause I know where all of mine are and they are always in the same place. I know how to change a drive belt and alternator. I can't physically do it anymore but that doesn't mean anything in my mind. I was thinking about this topic today and remembered with surprise, "I actually brushed my hair today!"
Admittedly, some of my confusion with the whole girly thing is my definition of girly. I don't see myself as "girly" because I don't, other than to be clothed in clothes that actually fit, much care about my appearance. That is at odds with my mental image of girly. I'm still a tom-boy that likes to climb trees and hang out with the guys. I just don't happen to be one of them. When the situation warrants I will take pains with my appearance. I clean up pretty good. It confuses me that my definition of practical and comfortable is seen as girly. Ah well, everyone has different definitions.
It is evident that, much like flirting while breathing, this is not something I do on purpose. Others do not see girly as an intent like I do. For the longest time I would adamantly disagree with you if you said I was flirting because I had no intent to flirt. I'm grown-up enough now to be able to accept that my intent rarely means anything to the receiver or perceiver in situations like that. Much the same I'm sure, how I am perceived appearance-wise has little to do with my intent on a day to day basis. I can grok this sort of. I feel that the Honey is a hottie even when he is covered in car grease, as he is today. Perhaps that is what I am running up against.
