(no subject)

The pub was good for me. Got to sit with lovika27 and "chat"(as much as one can in a pub filled with band noises). Had a hot chocolate and a whiskey. The Honey had a Belhaven, he doesn't like whiskey. After the schnapps and vodka the whiskey hit me pretty hard. I'm very ready for bed now. Kinda wish I were awake enough for sex... the Honey being home and all, take it while you can get it seems to be the modus operandi.(sp?)

thoughts so far today

through judicious application of alcohol last night and caffeine this morning I got through my test. I didn't do as well as I could have. I also did not do badly.

Monday night, drugged with valerian was the only night since sometime last week I have gotten to bed before 12:30. The caffeine helps me keep functioning but I am really going to pay for this. Not sure what is the best thing I can do for myself right now. Falling apart is not really an option. Letting myself get back to the place I was in at the end of last tri is also not an option.

Stab in the heart. Fuck me for living. Booty call sounds just about right. Something that requires no huge emotional dealing. I doubt I am set up for that sort of thing to be honest. I have had functional booty calls before but it was always with someone I had an established emotional connection with. Honesty in all things.

I am doing something that is perhaps not the best thing for me to do in the mostly need deprived state I have been in in the past months. Reading my favorite book in the Anita Blake series. I've been avoiding doing this because lately(the past year or so) it outlines to me all the things I really want that I don't have. I found all my favorite passages and they made me smile. Then I ran across something that I don't remember hitting me this hard before. Paraphrased; what happens in a group when dominant refuses to be a dominant.

Whatever that is really doesn't matter to the point that I found staring myself in the face. I am a dominant personality. Beyond myself though, I don't particularly present myself that way. I don't really want to be in the position of dominant to anyone else. I think that is mainly because I hate it so much when I'm put in that position. I know myself enough to know my mind most of the time. I don't want to be put in a position of authority, in charge of other people. I'm doing good to be in charge of me. Situations have a tendency to go badly when there is not a dominant person there though. If someone is not in charge, by agreement or force of personality it can easily get messy. Maybe a more proactive me in in order at this point in my life. Urg.

In an attempt to manage I mood I dressed up today. Calm cool colors, professional appearance. Gray wool slacks with a silky lining, black dress boots, white shirt and a black low-cut v-neck sweater over it all. Pulled my hair up in a twist, added some green pearls and green eyeshadow. I look nice. It helps.

Is there a Healthy way to turn off empathy? I haven't found one. How do other people go through their days without it. I don't understand. I suppose one can't empathize with everything.

Interesting how easy it is for me to see value and beauty in everyone and everything. I may not like it all, but beauty and value? Sure. I had the opportunity to explain my experience with the difference between like and love. It was good for me to do that again. In some ways it is more important to me to like someone than to love them. I have to have both to fall in love. Which again is different than loving. My mind is seriously wandering down random paths today. *note the subject line if that is confusing*

I miss my wife. I really do. Her presence in my life is important to me. Perhaps that is selfish but I can live with being selfish about a few things. It bugs me that she is having a rough time of it right now and there is so little I can do to help her out.

Bah. I need to leave school now and get something to eat. I also feel like seriously exerting myself today. I'm not quite sure how to accomplish this. My original plans were to go skiing today but high of 1 above makes that not such a good plan. Skiing has been postponed. Maybe I could get out the poi and go scare people at the mall. *evil grin*

corollary to coping?

Despite using my light fairly regularly I have not been tanning in two weeks. This might be a factor. I will see if I can remedy this tonight.

In other yet related news, apparently the nectar I smell most like if honeysuckle.

quotable

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