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People that I had no idea died. There are a lot of them. Chris LeDoux is not a man that many people I socialize with now know much of. And yet it shocked me to learn that he had died. I suppose there are people who have been in our lives in some peripheral way for so long unchanged that its strange to hear that they too can change. In this age of information I am pretty hidden from the news so its not surprising that I hadn't heard but I guess he'll always be in my mind as being alive and not so well. His music was strange and still it spoke of a lot of heart. Easy to tell there was a real person behind it not just a manager who knows how to market for the cash. I feel pretty much the same about the Beatles. They will always be in my mind, the boys who starred in HELP the movie. At that age frozen.
With as open and accepting of change and the upheaval that it brings as I have become one would think that I would be able to see them evolving in my mind. Time changes everything willing or no. Its funny how the mind can hold onto its vision of something long after its gone. Sometimes I think that's a really good thing. Other times it's evident that it prevents/denies necessary growth.
People are not the only thing that we as humans mourn. We mourn losses that have nothing to do with the death of a living being. Loss, and the acceptance of, is one of the things that is hardest for me. Its hard for me to just accept that there may have been nothing I could have done to change the situation. I keep thinking, "If I had just been better, or more accepting, or understanding, or..." Loss and change are not always things you have any control over in your life. You are left feeling hurt and helpless because there should have been a way to prevent it, right?
Its natural to want to reach out and hurt that which has hurt you. I find it unacceptable to reach out and hurt that which I have treasured. Love is still there, feelings are still valid, just can't be acted on. True the whole situation could have been avoided but nothing I could have done would have changed the current situation. I could have walked away sooner. That is all.
"Stop beating your head against a brick wall" "You are one of the most patient people I know" Same conversation, not sure I'm patient, maybe stubborn and flexible, too willing to try and make it work when its not. Many people have been there to reach out to me, to hold me, when I needed it most in the past two weeks. I am glad I'm in a place that I can accept that support. I am glad I know how to do it. I cannot imagine what I would be like right now if I could not accept the loving support of my friends and loved ones. I don't imagine that I would be fit for public consumption.
The accepting that such an important part of my life is gone will come with time I suppose. Its hard to see that as a good thing right now. The fact that I walked away from it voluntarily is something that will haunt me. "Look! look, here is something that you desperately need. Now give it up."
I'm tired of crying, of feeling hurt, of feeling broken. We'll see tomorrow how much but I know I've gained weight. I have not been taking care of myself. I don't know how to be around someone who I still have feelings for but has broken my heart. Anyone know? I don't want to cause hurt. How am I supposed to act? How do I deal?
Lost.
With as open and accepting of change and the upheaval that it brings as I have become one would think that I would be able to see them evolving in my mind. Time changes everything willing or no. Its funny how the mind can hold onto its vision of something long after its gone. Sometimes I think that's a really good thing. Other times it's evident that it prevents/denies necessary growth.
People are not the only thing that we as humans mourn. We mourn losses that have nothing to do with the death of a living being. Loss, and the acceptance of, is one of the things that is hardest for me. Its hard for me to just accept that there may have been nothing I could have done to change the situation. I keep thinking, "If I had just been better, or more accepting, or understanding, or..." Loss and change are not always things you have any control over in your life. You are left feeling hurt and helpless because there should have been a way to prevent it, right?
Its natural to want to reach out and hurt that which has hurt you. I find it unacceptable to reach out and hurt that which I have treasured. Love is still there, feelings are still valid, just can't be acted on. True the whole situation could have been avoided but nothing I could have done would have changed the current situation. I could have walked away sooner. That is all.
"Stop beating your head against a brick wall" "You are one of the most patient people I know" Same conversation, not sure I'm patient, maybe stubborn and flexible, too willing to try and make it work when its not. Many people have been there to reach out to me, to hold me, when I needed it most in the past two weeks. I am glad I'm in a place that I can accept that support. I am glad I know how to do it. I cannot imagine what I would be like right now if I could not accept the loving support of my friends and loved ones. I don't imagine that I would be fit for public consumption.
The accepting that such an important part of my life is gone will come with time I suppose. Its hard to see that as a good thing right now. The fact that I walked away from it voluntarily is something that will haunt me. "Look! look, here is something that you desperately need. Now give it up."
I'm tired of crying, of feeling hurt, of feeling broken. We'll see tomorrow how much but I know I've gained weight. I have not been taking care of myself. I don't know how to be around someone who I still have feelings for but has broken my heart. Anyone know? I don't want to cause hurt. How am I supposed to act? How do I deal?
Lost.
