me

I realized yesterday because of circle that I no longer do anything for myself. I need to do that. I am going to paint my fingernails. It is something that I get great joy out of that has absolutely no other value whatsoever. It is something I can do for me when I feel down that will make me feel better. It is deliberately taking time to sit and relax and reflect on things or not think as the situation needs. The state of my nails is a good indicator of how well I've been taking care of myself. If I haven't been taking time for me they start breaking. If I've been running myself too hard they won't be painted. How silly that my hands are the window to my whole being. But that's pretty much how I view the world, hands first. If my hands are closed to you it is because you have pushed them away too many times for me to want to be hurt again. It doesn't mean that they won't open again given a chance. I'm too giving for anything else.

I have not been getting my needs met. Its my fault. I have not been making my needs known. I am scared of doing it. I don't want to be let down yet again. The only person I trust implicitly is The Honey. And that is not because he has never let me down, he just proves daily that he does his best not to. I don't want to let him down. I think thats most of why I haven't been talking about what I need. He is so low on reserves right now that I feel bad asking. I feel bad for having needs that I cannot meet myself. I feel like I should be self sufficient. And there is a small part of my brain yelling at me right now saying that knowing what your needs are and knowing how to get them met is being self sufficient. That having needs you cannot meet on your own is just admitting that you're human. No man is an island and all that (Dad, I probably butchered that quote if the number of times I had to respell it is any clue, I hope you'll forgive me). I feel pretty let down right now by the other person I had been asking to meet my needs. Disappointement doesn't even cover it.

Being more aware of my needs: I went swimming today, all by myself. I have been bitching all summer that I have no one to go swimming with, that everyone is too busy including me. I went. I swam laps in the cool lake water. I baked myself in the sun 'til I was dry. Then I came home and drank a lot of water. Point; Fish tend not to try and eat you if you move a lot. Weeds will however still get in the way.

Fingernail Polish: It's All Greek to Me by OPI, vibrant pink hue, just too pink and not enough purple to be fuchsia because I do not wear fuchsia!