Entries tagged with self discovery

Current Music: Stand by me sung by Tracy Chapman

Entry tags:

Insecurity and progress

Working on changing my internal dialogue from "I look pretty good for someone who is 35 lbs overweight" to "I look pretty good." I am trying to just be, no qualifiers. I have evidence from outside myself that this is a true thing. No matter that I can stand up for others when they are not believing in themselves. I always insist that others give themselves a break. Now trying to that for myself. It is good work.

I haven't really heard from Ash in a week and a half. I'm mentally doing okay with this. Intellectually I know that he is crazy busy with work. I have had to deal with this very thing with the Honey enough times that I get how it goes. Viscerally I am getting terrified that I don't fit into his life. Evidence of this? Zero. Insecurity much? At the very same time I am comforted by this since it means that he has a life of his own and isn't going to be co-dependently clinging to my life. It is also increasing my ...esteem? of him? I find him that much more desirable because he is willing to follow thru on his commitments even when it isn't fun, even when there are other things he wants to be doing.

Today I confidently walked down a steep hill in sandals. They were Chacos. So really supportive sandals that won't slip around on my feet. But I did it. Confidently. I was about half way down when I realized that I didn't really even expect to be able to that again. Uphill was a little crunchy and slow but I did that too. The result is a little bit of swelling that no one but me would even be able to discern. A year ago I wouldn't have been willing to attempt it. 9 months ago doing it would have made my foot swell up like a water balloon. I feel that it is now safe to start training my legs to walk in my heels again. I detest flats, it hurts to walk in them.

Entry tags:

self discovery

continuing to unfold epiphany

Part one was I am supremely secure in my relationships. Not always in my self image but when it comes to the people I am intimately connected to I rarely have issues. The closer you are to me the easier it is for me to say to you, "Go get what you need. I trust that you will not break trust with me. I do not fear you will never return."

Part two. I don't have guilt about pleasure. Pleasure doesn't inherently involve sex. I don't feel like I have to earn pleasure. I Know that pleasure is something I can have no matter what anyone else thinks.

This means I don't have guilty pleasures. This means I don't care what people think about what I wear so long as I am happy with it. This means I will wear bells and glitter and be thrilled at the feeling and have no problems with the fact that other people run and hide from that.

I'm a large woman with a strong personality. These things together with the security and confidence I carry myself with can be in intimidating package! Huh...

I am also caring, loving, funny, and generally easy to get to know. I can see where the intimidating would get in the way of seeing the other things. I really just want to love people though.

Entry tags:

self discovery

drugs and alcohol

Pondering how people use drugs as coping mechanisms. I know just about everyone does it in some fashion or another. Every single teatotaler I know is addicted to adrenaline.

Point related to my life, I am pretty sure I have been using alcohol(in part) to blunt other people's perceptions of my energy. I decided to do an experiment by not drinking anything for a while. I went to a party last night. I dressed to the nines, heels and all. It was awesome. I was my crazy open bubbly self. I left feeling great. No alcohol.

I think part of my ability to do that is that I have found a community where it is safe for me to be me and not only is that ok, they will protect me and have my back. I'm not really like them but they aren't really like each other either so it seems to work out ok. I like that *we* are a group of remarkably different individuals who all agree that our right to be who we are is the thing that we want to protect.

A friend of mine wrote a while back about being a primary psychic vampire. She seems to think I am one as well. I think I disagree slightly. I know I feed off of other people but I think what I need is not general energy or negative energy that people need to get rid of. I think I feed on sensual and sexual energy like a succubus. Just a hunch.

At Rog's wedding

feathernscale said, "She doesn't need alcohol. She is like that all on her own." Its a true statement. I like alcohol. But I don't need it. Good things to know about oneself.

Peace.

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Monday morning

I woke before I had to this morning. I knew that after a weekend of class I would need to move my appt back to lunch time and had to forethought to do so last week instead of this morning. Its a good day.

Its a beautiful day and I *can* see it.

Death happens. Shock of knowing. The world is changed. True that I am no longer connected to this person because of time and distance but I still feel the impact. Death happens in many ways, even to the living.

Change happens. Decisions made. Change has to happen. Change has to happen or death happens.

Things I learned this weekend, some known, some new;
-It is possible to give of yourself. It is almost never a good idea. *known-good reminder*
-Allow yourself to ask for what you need. *known*
-Push/Pull & Neutral *new*
-The idea that we are spiritual entities who have come into a physical being. *new-more on this later*
-Victim mode disempowers. It removes personal responsibility. *new way of looking at an known idea*
-Warrior is the ultimate place of center. *new*

I've not been listening to my body for too long. Its not been a good place to be for a long time. Not listening has caused damage. No one to blame but myself. Take responsibility. External situation is definitely contributing factor. Too much bottled up to be healthy for anything.

Doing the right thing increases the overall good. Inevitably it is also the hard thing. I feel like it has been my job to do the hard thing lately. I see it needs to be done therefore I do it. I say it. I ask it. Only one person has thanked me for doing it so they didn't have to. That person even said I did it well and with a minimum of damage given the potential in that situation. Some things just need doing. Asking why is it always me doesn't prevent them from needing to be done. I saw it needed to be done and I will do it.

I am looking forward to getting the sword back. I never thought I would say something like that but its true. I believe strongly that to have healthy interaction one must first look inward and be healthy. Let those things that no longer serve me/you or actively fight growth to fall away to allow space for the new things that could be. The pruning has happened/will be happening. What will this growing season look like?

Its a beautiful day and I can see it.

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today's wisdom from others

When anger arises remember to pause

When you feel like a keg of dynamite just about to go off, patience
means just slowing down at that point – just pausing – instead of
immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from
acting, stop talking to yourself, and connect with the soft spot. But
at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself
about what you are feeling. You’re not suppressing anything; patience
has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do
with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself.
If you wait and don’t fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be
very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless you
keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the
underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness and
vulnerability is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience.
Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the
discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy –
knowing that it’s the only way to find peace for ourselves or the world.

-Pema Chodron by way of

pagandelight

Authenticity is a daily practice.

Choosing authenticity means: cultivating the courage to emotionally
honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made
of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving
and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of
belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are supposed to
be and embrace who we are.

Authenticity demands WholeHearted living and loving - even when it's
hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being
good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid
to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching
struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our
lives.

Choosing authenticity is an act of resistance.
Choosing to live and love with our WholeHearts is an act of
defiance.

(reposted with permission from

castalusoria, from http://www.brenebrown.com/badge/)

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Self-driven vs selfish vs ?

For a long long time I have maintained that I am a supremely selfish person. I have believed that all actions that people take are for selfish reasons. That altruism doesn't exist because people don't do something unless they get something out of it. Even if that something is a decrease in the level of guilt they have for having more than the next person.

I find myself needing another word for this though. I find myself in this situation because it lacks some depth in communication. I know that I still find myself looking at certain actions and thinking, "Well that was selfish," and not meaning the same thing that I mean when I am talking about doing things because they are good for me.

Perhaps it is the difference between selfish with a positive connotation vs with a negative connotation.

Dictionary.com defines selfish as "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others." Maybe its that last bit that is the difference. What I do is not regardless of others, I don't know that I am capable of that. But it isn't dependent on others either.

Making a giving act dependent on the receiver feels wrong to me. I have always felt the need to give and then release all expectation of return such that the act of giving is the focus. "This is wholly about you. I have thought about this and feel that it is appropriate to you and want to make sure you receive it." Be it an item or a service or a kindness, it doesn't matter.

Huh. Release of attachment. Maybe I'm more Buddhist than I thought.