Loss

[hypatia42]

People that I had no idea died. There are a lot of them. Chris LeDoux is not a man that many people I socialize with now know much of. And yet it shocked me to learn that he had died. I suppose there are people who have been in our lives in some peripheral way for so long unchanged that its strange to hear that they too can change. In this age of information I am pretty hidden from the news so its not surprising that I hadn't heard but I guess he'll always be in my mind as being alive and not so well. His music was strange and still it spoke of a lot of heart. Easy to tell there was a real person behind it not just a manager who knows how to market for the cash. I feel pretty much the same about the Beatles. They will always be in my mind, the boys who starred in HELP the movie. At that age frozen.

With as open and accepting of change and the upheaval that it brings as I have become one would think that I would be able to see them evolving in my mind. Time changes everything willing or no. Its funny how the mind can hold onto its vision of something long after its gone. Sometimes I think that's a really good thing. Other times it's evident that it prevents/denies necessary growth.

People are not the only thing that we as humans mourn. We mourn losses that have nothing to do with the death of a living being. Loss, and the acceptance of, is one of the things that is hardest for me. Its hard for me to just accept that there may have been nothing I could have done to change the situation. I keep thinking, "If I had just been better, or more accepting, or understanding, or..." Loss and change are not always things you have any control over in your life. You are left feeling hurt and helpless because there should have been a way to prevent it, right?

Its natural to want to reach out and hurt that which has hurt you. I find it unacceptable to reach out and hurt that which I have treasured. Love is still there, feelings are still valid, just can't be acted on. True the whole situation could have been avoided but nothing I could have done would have changed the current situation. I could have walked away sooner. That is all.

"Stop beating your head against a brick wall" "You are one of the most patient people I know" Same conversation, not sure I'm patient, maybe stubborn and flexible, too willing to try and make it work when its not. Many people have been there to reach out to me, to hold me, when I needed it most in the past two weeks. I am glad I'm in a place that I can accept that support. I am glad I know how to do it. I cannot imagine what I would be like right now if I could not accept the loving support of my friends and loved ones. I don't imagine that I would be fit for public consumption.

The accepting that such an important part of my life is gone will come with time I suppose. Its hard to see that as a good thing right now. The fact that I walked away from it voluntarily is something that will haunt me. "Look! look, here is something that you desperately need. Now give it up."

I'm tired of crying, of feeling hurt, of feeling broken. We'll see tomorrow how much but I know I've gained weight. I have not been taking care of myself. I don't know how to be around someone who I still have feelings for but has broken my heart. Anyone know? I don't want to cause hurt. How am I supposed to act? How do I deal?

Lost.

Comments

[solvingmypuzzle.livejournal.com]

I love you.

[faedaughter.livejournal.com]

Aw sweetie... I feel for you. I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Love is supposed to be grand and conquer all, right? It hard sometimes not to be confused when we have loved so hard and tried and work, to find it still isn't enough. The best thing I can say is to take some time off. Give yourself permission to have distance, to get used to the absence without having to face a renewal of wounds on a regular basis. Allow yourself to cry, to mourn its passing. If you are around that person, give yourself permission to go, to leave the situation if it becomes too much. And above all else, keep accepting the loving support of those that love you. Only time will make it better, so fill your time with people you love and things you enjoy. Remind yourself that even though you hurt, there are things you love about life, things to find joy in. {{{{{hypatia}}}}}

[eithne-star.livejournal.com]

"I don't know how to be around someone who I still have feelings for but has broken my heart. Anyone know? I don't want to cause hurt. How am I supposed to act? How do I deal?"

Honey, speaking from personal experience: You don't. I was in this situation the last two years of high school. He was my best friend, and my first love. He was everything I wanted, and everything I needed. He broke up with me and then dated one of my best girlfriends.

Truth is, you DON'T get over something like that. The only thing you really can do is take the pain, let yourself feel it, tell yourself it's okay to feel it, and then learn to live with it. It hurts. It hurts a fucking LOT. But, even after all the shit I've seen life can throw at you, I still think there is a reason for everything. Maybe this person was someone you needed before, but you've learned the lesson they were meant to give you, and you just don't realize it yet.

I don't think any of this will make you feel better. I don't even know if it makes sense. Just hold on, and remember that this, too, shall pass. And never forget I love you and I'm always here for you.

[berkie.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should spout some flowery prose and words of comfort and wisdom but I don't really have any.

I love you. Much more than I think you realize. I hope that will be enough.

[thicknwild.livejournal.com]

i know what you mean about chris ledoux. i was shocked to hear about him. it was from that "death litany" thing that went to the list. there's a line in a garth brooks song that has him in it:

"a worn out tape of chris ledoux, lonely women and bad booze, seem to be the only friends i've left at all." Too Young To Feel This Damned Old

i do know some about the c&w cast of characters and it was a surprise.

as for the rest of your post, i know what you're talking about. in my own way, i'm going through that shit right now too. but then, you know that. remember, i said "in my own way." i'm not trying to have some sort of comparrison thing.

i feel bad that you feel bad. there are a short list of people who it hurts for me to see feeling so badly. and you're on the list.

come over and hang out! you can cry on my shoulder and we'll watch tv together or something. hugs and kisses