Discoveries

[hypatia42]

I really want someone near me who is bigger and stronger than me to literally have my back so I don't have to be big and scary for a while. This is not dependent on relationship with me nor gender. Though I think the last would probably be male given who I am.

I am still strong when I am at the end of my strength and endurance. Being tapped out does not mean I am weak.

I am still asking a whole lot of myself. Moderation needs to be found.

I've been told that I am intimidatingly confident and that I'm good at hiding how much I am hurting. I think this is less the case than I need to keep functioning through my days and dwelling on the hurt makes that impossible. I am naturally a happy person. I shine with it. Lately that light has been dimmed but it still shines. There are days when I can't be shiny for me but most days it is easier for me to be happy than not.

Being a happy person seems to be an odd thing. Lots of people I know are rather disaffected or cynical. Lots of people don't like that I'm shiny. "How dare you shine light on me. I might see something I don't want to see!" People sure do notice and get worried when I'm not happy though.

I don't like it when people run from me. I ought to be used to it by now but I'm not. This last bit was the discovery. Not sure I'll ever really get used to it. Maybe I can find a way to be at peace with it.

I still desperately want a partner. This still hurts so much.

Comments

[hypatia42.livejournal.com]

You'd probably just gut me.

I may take you up on the troll offer. I dunno when though.

[cudubh.livejournal.com]

No no, melee rapier you fight side by side in groups against other groups. You don't gut your OWN team...unless that is a remark about my accuracy ;)