hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I feel like everything in life has been hit with Calvin's transmogrify ray set to high. So many things changing. I think ultimately it will all be to the good but assimilation of the new patterns will likely take some time.

I lost my girl. Life has been filled with depression, crazy busy, and a profound sense of loss ever since. Figuring out how to deal with the loss of a familiar is ...words fail me. She did so much around here. I'm having to figure out what it all was and try to make up for the lack. I can't say that it has been graceful. I do think it is getting better.

I have another couple of months in my water year before I transition completely to earth. Its looking like those will be all about recovery. A broken ankle takes quite a bit of sit and recover. I start rehab next week. I know my ROM is getting better and the swelling is going down. I go see the ortho again next Monday and I get to tell him that the boot is too big now. Its almost too big to be effective except it still gives some support. I will see what he says. Tuesday is the first PT appt where I get assessed and I will find out what recovery looks like on that front. Daunting is the word.

It is daunting partly because the Honey is leaving Sunday for Paris. Gone for a week. I have no idea how things will turn out that week trying to get by on my own. One day at a time I guess. I do wish I had a remote to unlock the door so people would have an easier time visiting.

Business is completely on hold. Can't work. :-/ Not thrilled about it but I don't have much choice.

I did manage to travel quite a bit this year. I added Phoenix, Baltimore, and Key West to my list of places I have been.

Expressions of care and love have come from some unexpected places. I got a personal phone call rather than a mass message to notify me of something that is likely to change things radically is certain parts of my life. I got a gift mailed to me simply to lift my face into a smile. People I rarely see in person reached out to hold me exactly as I am and tell me that the reason I was worried they would be upset is one of the reasons they love me so much.

There have been plenty of reasons to feel down about this year. However, in the past month I have discovered I can't be depressed on narcotics. I am a much more functional human being when I continue to strive for the good, focus on the positive influences, and express gratitude regularly.

Thank you for being here to witness. And thank 2013 for being over. Viva 2014!
hypatia42: (Default)
By Honey Bee

We start our adventure with a harrowing experience, 12 hours in plane or airport. Physical breakdown followed by emotional release. Given how much emotion we humans hold frozen is poor body mechanics I wonder if one didn't necessitate the other. I don't really know. I do know that the emotional release was triggered by a line in a book that I had put off reading for a while now. Nothing like a literary work but profound things can be found in the most unlikely places. Nope, not sharing what the line was, sadly that would be considered inflammatory. Sufficed to say that it mattered to me. It all went into my paper journal.

Dinner that night at Tin Shed and dessert at Pix Patisserie were both amazing. Many thanks for being rescued from the airport hell by [personal profile] dawningday. Not sure I was capable of navigating bus lines at that point in a very long day. Got dropped off at [personal profile] jasminewind&T's house to settle in before my convention started the next day. Having people in the place where I am landing that are willing to share their space and their love of their town is so transformative.

L had a test to study for so I didn't see her much for a couple of days. Two hour time change had my sleep all wonky the whole trip. I managed. My convention was a good thing for me to attend. I got to learn a bunch of things that I want to incorporate into my practice, self and business, and one modality that I want to look into studying in more depth. I also learned that it is ok to speak up and remove myself from a situation before it destroys me. Or rather, I learned that lesson before and I implemented it in the right place in the right time to avoid having it wreck my whole visit. Huh. Give Thanks.

The weekend spent with E was amazing. We had fun and stayed within my physical limits. Ate amazing foods. Bought socks. Even got to experience some things with him that he'd not seen yet. Still don't remember the name of that thai place but anywhere that successfully combines nachos with pad thai needs a medal. Met a chunk of his friends and realized that there are people out there that are ok with casual physical touch. I'm not alone. I probably am weird. That's ok tho.

I got to experience Portland at its best in Oct. I swear it was trying to impress me. The sun was out for some portion of every day. My request for sun the day I went to the beach was granted. I have a picture of me on the beach with the sun behind me. I need to go back for sure. As E said, "You have to come back. I didn't get to show you everything yet." I definitely need to go back when I don't have to spend the majority of time and energy on business. Despite being a physical stressor, travel is really really good for me. I got to feel things freeing up and moving within me and realized how long it had been since I truly looked forward to travel without the Honey.

Thank you for being exactly what I needed when I needed to experience it and was capable of letting it do what I needed to have done. *kisses*
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have said the words for along time that I make space for change. This allows that I am not the person doing the changing. I am not making anything happen, simply holding a safe place for change that needs to happen to happen. I do this in my home, in my work, and in my life both mundane and spiritual.

Today I was struck that sometimes it means people needs help right now with something critical and "can you come support me in this change that needs to happen?" I got a call from W saying that the kids and she all needed a haircut asap. So I did. I thought back over the last 7 years of living here and remembered all the other times when this exact thing has happened to me. I get a call saying, "I need my hair cut." Sometimes it is practical and they lack the funds to pay someone to do it, sometimes they don't want to go to someone they don't know, sometimes it is a spiritual cutting away, sometimes it is fixing what someone else messed up.

I think about the amount of trust that people are putting in my hands. Lemme tell you there is not one single person in my community I would trust with scissors to cut my hair. Might say something about me ;)
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
When anger arises remember to pause

When you feel like a keg of dynamite just about to go off, patience
means just slowing down at that point – just pausing – instead of
immediately acting on your usual, habitual response. You refrain from
acting, stop talking to yourself, and connect with the soft spot. But
at the same time you are completely and totally honest with yourself
about what you are feeling. You’re not suppressing anything; patience
has nothing to do with suppression. In fact, it has everything to do
with a gentle, honest relationship with yourself.
If you wait and don’t fuel the rage with your thoughts, you can be
very honest about the fact that you long for revenge; nevertheless you
keep interrupting the torturous story line and stay with the
underlying vulnerability. That frustration, that uneasiness and
vulnerability is nothing solid. And yet it is painful to experience.
Still, just wait and be patient with your anguish and with the
discomfort of it. This means relaxing with that restless, hot energy –
knowing that it’s the only way to find peace for ourselves or the world.

-Pema Chodron by way of [personal profile] pagandelight

Authenticity is a daily practice.

Choosing authenticity means: cultivating the courage to emotionally
honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable;
exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made
of strength and struggle and connected to each other through a loving
and resilient human spirit; nurturing the connection and sense of
belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we are supposed to
be and embrace who we are.

Authenticity demands WholeHearted living and loving - even when it's
hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being
good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid
to let ourselves feel it.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching
struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our
lives.

Choosing authenticity is an act of resistance.
Choosing to live and love with our WholeHearts is an act of
defiance.


(reposted with permission from [personal profile] castalusoria, from http://www.brenebrown.com/badge/)
hypatia42: (roses)
I find a remarkable level of unrest in myself after seeing a movie this evening. I admit it. I went to see "V for Vendetta" and it made an impression on me. I left with anger. Anger at the thought that it may take something as destructive to shake the general populace of this country into wakefulness. Anger at the thought that I have cause to fear my government. Anger at myself for allowing that fear to keep me silent for so long. Anger that my government is using terror against its own people. Anger that we as a people have moved so far from what our forefathers stood for as to support the very kinds of things they stood against. All in the name of fear. THEY call it safety. "Its for your safety." "We are doing this to protect you." And we have given up our rights and our freedoms in the name of safety but in the reality of fear. If only I could take the fear from people's eyes and show them that what they think is safety is truly illusion. There is no such thing as safety as they promise it.

I don't even care who planned 9/11 anymore. The things done in its name shame those people's memory and rival the atrocity. It angers me to think that I cannot say what I really think here because I am being watched and listened to for signs of dissent. It angers me that the fear is being used to create dissent in the world. It angers me to think that not showing support for this terrorist _______ is un-American and worthy of suspicion. Un-American my ass. Part of my rights as a citizen of the United States of America is to disagree with what my government is doing. It is intrinsically part of being "American."

I do not know if I am strong enough. I have never been in the situation to test me so thoroughly. I do know that I would rather not run. I would rather stay with what rights I have left and be an example of what could be in this world. Despite my anger I have hope and I am willing to share it. I know with every fiber of my being that a new generation is coming soon with new ideas and new priorities. I have hope I will live to see it come to pass. I refuse to despair because that would be giving up and I am not willing to do that. I did not survive my life thus far to give up on something that I believe in. I do know I am that strong. Or stubborn. I hope I never have to learn whether or not I am willing to die for what I believe in. That would mean sad things for this country.

Despite my wondering if it will take something so very drastic to wake this country from its stupor I remain vehemently opposed to violence. Violence begets violence. Only love and compassion can truly change the course of the world. I truly believe that. Is it possible that the only course left is to raze what we have to the ground and start anew? A new country? With new ideas? What would that be other than turning back to the beginning of the cycle? We must learn to break out of out cycle and create something with what we have that is good. Something that is worthy of respect, that is worth the energy we put into it, and deserves everything we have to give because it is fundamentally good for all, not just a select few.

I refuse to let this fear that is being disseminated have any more power over me. I defy it and stand firmly in my hope, knowing that the love and compassion I hold for the world will make a difference.

This took on new meaning for me this evening;

Fire cannot burn me
Earth cannot bury me
Water cannot drown me and
Air cannot freeze me

For I am Air
I am Fire
I am Water and
I am Earth

I am all things and
All things are me
I am a perfect child of the Gods and
I AM FREE!

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hypatia42

September 2017

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