hypatia42: (Default)
Michael leaves for Paris in a little over 2 hours. He is only gone for a week this time but I am feeling depleted and down at the outset. I'm not looking forward to this week you might say. I had hoped that I would be able to go visit someone else for a part of this week but work schedules being what they are didn't match up well enough to make that happen. One step at a time, one day at a time.

The original plan for Michael to be gone the first two weeks in October and I was to fly to Dublin to visit friends. He would have met us for a long weekend and then gone on to London. We decided that wasn't wise if we truly want to go to Costa Rica next spring for his 40th. His trip got moved and shortened which is good. But, the decision to not have me go with for this trip is leaving me feeling lost and without connection.

In true ADD style I lost two of the scripts for my ADD meds. These are the kind that CANNOT be replaced if you lose them so I'm scraping by until December. A different system must be devised if I am going to continue to be on meds that are restricted from electronic transfer in the future.

It has been a rather gray fall so far. I can't say I am thrilled about where my brain is at. I don't know what to think or how to manage this right now. I keep wanting a hammock in a sauna with a sun lamp. I don't have one of those handy. I recognize that is some people's version of hell but I'm me and it is what I want. Cuddles and pets would not go amiss.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
mom has two different types of breast cancer. All of the lymph nodes they took out showed presence of tumor cells. Friday she gets a port put in for her coming treatments. Monday she gets PET and bone scans to find out if the cancer has spread further than they thought.

Colonoscopy showed a normal healthy colon. The biopsy results haven't come back for me yet. It seems likely that I will be sent to a gastroenterologist. I don't know yet.

Paraphrasing the Honey, "I am outside my scope of practice here. It seems to me that if you are asking whether or not you should be on medication you should probably talk to someone who can give you a professional opinion on that." I'm paraphrasing because after I said those words to him he said, "See I didn't even know how to say that in words that made sense. You have a better chance at this than I do."

Amy Kippur was lovely. Low key and chill with chosen family, good food, and entertainment. The weather cooperated and has been lovely all week so far. I wish I felt like I had turned a corner and that things were looking up. Mostly I am tired and want to sleep all the time. *see professional

What I don't know is if I need meds or I need counseling or some combination of both. So little of what I have scheduled to do for myself this year to regain spoons and start being a functioning human again has gone horribly wrong in such a way as to prevent me from getting the good I needed out of it. It is bad enough that I am not really seeing positive things right now. I can see the stress that it is putting on the Honey and I wish I could send him on a retreat all alone with no laptop or phone. I would benefit from it too but I can't help but feel like he would get more out of it if I weren't there.

I am doing what I can to forcibly lift my spirits. I am taking my supplements. I grabbed a bottle of Gaba to start on as well. I stopped drinking alcohol. I am trying to eat better for me things. Mostly I have indigestion and don't want to eat.

Love,
Me
hypatia42: (Default)
Spring is springing. Plants are pushing up above the soil. I am sneezing.

For my record, it has been 9 days since I got the massage from Dan at my chiro office. I am still covered in bruises. Some of them didn't even surface to the skin level until Saturday. Yes I did tell chiro about it. Dan was out sick so I couldn't tell him.

Today I went to a floral wholesale warehouse. OMG. Ang looked at me before taking me in and said, "This is going to be overwhelming. I need you to focus and not go all ADD on me." Good warning. Wow. I went over there because I wanted to get flowers to put in my hair for tomorrow's adventure at MIA Art In Bloom. It is a fashion floral extravaganza. I am really looking forward to it.

Originally I was supposed to have two people going with me to MIA. Then the Honey got sent to Denver this week. Now Ash has been working 20 hour days to try to finish a contract he has and likely won't be able to get that done in time to go either. I looked at the description of events tomorrow and I am going anyway. It is going to be amazing and wonderful and damned if I can't appreciate it on my own.

Gardening things need to happen but I am not in a rush for that. I have a few perennials that need to be put in and I need to make a plan for the rest of the softscaping we didn't get to last year. I feel blessed that my allergies are no where near as bad as they have been in the past. Thank you OPC3.

Business things are happening. I signed a lease for a 200sqft space that when finished will be absolutely amazing. I have one sublease signed and one other that might be interested. I have purchased a loveseat and am in the market for a couple of lamps. I need to print artwork and get it framed. I need a rug for the floor. I have to wait for the building to get more finished before I can get my business license because inspections have to happen. Ang said she would help me make the space look welcoming and professional.

I have ranunculus on my table. :D
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
Continuing with the language of my subconscious, rebuilding the second floor of a mall after years of neglect is just not easy. I keep picking up pieces of damaged self and examining them for anything worth keeping. Its like picking up and sorting old photographs. "Is there anything not damaged in this one that makes it worth salvaging?" This also means figuring out how to take all of the rubble that has been deemed not salvageable and recycle it, trash it, get rid of it somehow.

I haven't been sleeping well since that dream. I honestly don't know why. Possibly because I am doing Work while I am sleeping. The Honey has been pulled into doing a lot of travel for work again. I'm sure it only seems this way because I am looking at it through the lens of my experience but I feel that his work always takes him out of the state when I need support. I'm scared and I am doing it anyway but it is definitely harder lacking my spouse.

Building a relationship with someone who is actually more busy than I am is scary and comforting at the same time. On one side there is the knowledge that Ash is not going to try to turn me into his whole life, codependent style is not something I can tolerate. On the other there is the question, "Is there room in his life for this?" I cannot make that decision for him. Signs point to him desiring to make the effort that it is possible. Okay. I can work with that. I know he is working on getting into Nursing school tho and I know the type of demands that puts on time and mental resources. I have been in the situation before where a person I was dating really didn't have time for me in their life and was constantly lying to himself and everyone around him about that. Ash isn't like that in my experience. He communicates what is going on. He exudes joy and I gotta say that is nice.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. Each relationship stands on its own and shouldn't be judged by the previous ones. You are the sum of your experiences but that is not true of relationships. You can decide how to interact with each person rather than reacting from a place of fear rooted in the past.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
Couldn't sleep well last night. Three days running now I have been awake 3 hours earlier than my usual. Not a good trend.

Maples are blooming. This makes me sluggish and generally more difficult to function.

The Honey is going to be away on business for the next two weeks. After being gone this week. Making multiple plans we had made null. *sigh* I get it and yet...

Massage on my arms yesterday was WAY TOO much. I am covered in bruises today. Dude. Not cool. And OW.

Clients tonight. Needed to get this all out of my head cause not helpful, y'know?
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm doing better this year than I was last year. By this time last year Michael had been in Paris most of the year and I desperately needed support. Badly enough that I skipped town and went to stay with P&M for a long weekend.

This year my surgery recovery has been so different. I'm still in the boot, which I wasn't this time last year, but my range of motion is back and I don't typically have much pain. I got cleared last week to go swimming so I did that over the weekend. For the first time since before Thanksgiving I felt freedom of movement. Even with muscle atrophy I am still a stronger swimmer that the Honey. This makes us both laugh.

I need to work harder at remembering that he and I have very different strengths and weaknesses. His strengths often seem more applicable in day to day life but that doesn't mean I don't have any. Comparison is the thief of joy and all.

It has been sunny enough on some days that I am not completely losing my mind. I'm hoping I will be gone for the worst of it in March. Going to Hawai'i is a dream come true. I honestly never thought I would make it to a place in life where it was a possibility. I don't care that it is made possible by perks from Michael's work. I am still going. Doing what I can to not feel guilty about that too. Such a strange place in my head.

Small things bring me joy and that is really for the best. I just had ramen for the first time in Years. I don't know how many. Gluten Free ramen. I made the broth with chicken stock from my own freezer. Dear gods that was good. I should remember the brand...

Candle making is happening next weekend. I need to get things set up for that.

That's about it for now. Love.
hypatia42: (roses)
19 years today. 19 years ago I met a man who would change my life. He would help me grow into who I am and support everything I have attempted even if he thought it was a bad idea.

I think there ought to be a rather nice party next year. A party with peanut M&Ms.

updateyness

Jan. 5th, 2014 04:14 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Thus begins my week without home support. I have something planned every day. I have movies to watch and a library of books, most of which I have read but keep because I will read them again. It is frighteningly cold but I have food to last me the week and the walks are clear for when I need to get out. Its not supposed to snow, nor get above zero I think.

We were cuddling earlier and I mentioned that it was very hard to get him to slow down long enough to actually cuddle with me. He got to to get something, slipped on the starch he had sprayed earlier and spent then next 30-45 min mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen. All so I wouldn't slip and to make it easier for me while he is gone this week. Ideally I could have said, "let me do that after you leave. I would like to spend this time with you." I can't do it myself though. And because he would be terrified I would slip and fall and not be able to get help because he will be in Paris he mopped the floor.

Because he will be gone I will do my very best to remember to eat, to turn up the thermostat when I'm cold, to take my allergy meds, and to feed the cats(physically more difficult that it usually is). I will do this because he worries and because he loves me. I don't want him to worry. I will probably forget to do all of these things at some point this week. He knows this. He trusts me to take care of myself to my best ability though.

Bean tenant is going to be out of town as well. Alone in the house until Wed. Its a very big house to be all alone in. Glad the Spice Girls are here with me.

Continued prayers and energy are welcome. My next ortho appt is tomorrow at 3:45. ~~~ Healthy rapid healing. ~~~
hypatia42: (Default)
The Girl is still alive. I find it odd that I can honestly answer people with this when they ask me how she is doing. She's a cranky old lady and she's earned it. She has so much more grace than I. I learn so much from her.

I have business checks. I had no idea that something so simple showing up in the mail would be such an ecstatic experience. Day by day I am making this life work for me. I am grateful.

I have tickets to see Jason Mraz with EE in Sept. I am planning a dinner prior to the concert. Likely downtown, vegetarian friendly, and drinks available. If you are going to the concert, or even if you are not, and want to join us lemme know.

Body is doing ok today. [personal profile] akrissy rightly reminded me that I ought to go get an acupuncture treatment. Did that this morning and I am mentally clearer than I have been in weeks. Not been doing my workouts cause of pain levels. I have been able to work and I give thanks for that.

A couple of days ago I made progress on the blue accent paint that is going on the white columns out on the front porch of my big blue house. The Honey wanted to know when I was going to get the paint on the the tooth shaped details. I glared at him. :) In theory the teeth painting should be easier because I am not having to support myself with an arm or leg and paint with my off arm something that requires immense attention to detail. I am now a Frogtape convert though. Oh god that stuff rocks.

I need to set aside some time to rack the Freya's Gold. I had no expectation that it would clear like it has. I thought it was done fermenting but the weather warmed up and the bubbler started blurping again. I'm in no rush.

Beltane this weekend. Looking like family and fellowship is on the menu. I am grateful for that as well. That and the impetus to clean up my house some. :D

On the fluff TV front, Lost Girl may have lost me as a dedicated viewer. I don't really want reality in my fluff tv. I understand the choice made and can even agree with the necessity. However, that also means that it hit a little too close to home. I don't like being faced with things in my entertainment that look too much like sacrifices I have had to make in myself. :P *see fluff*

Trying to figure out the balance between myself and the Honey. He is so much more independent than I am. Yes, that is saying something. Planning things to do, getting out of the house together, expressing my needs, and trying not to be the thing than prevents him from meeting his own needs. To say it is a delicate balancing act is putting it mildly. Deep breaths and honest communication. 17 years.

I need to decide what I am doing for Labor Day weekend. A big factor in that is what can I afford to do? What I want to do is pulled in multiple different directions.

I am hoping that I have a strong enough foundation at this point that I can reach out and help others safely. Time will tell.
hypatia42: (Default)
My snark filter is on and functioning despite it being 1:34am.

I am awake at 1:34am despite being exhausted at 8:30pm. I think I have decided that I need to use my blue light and reset my circadian rhythms. This has got to stop.

My tolerance level for bullshit is non-existent when I am in pain. I have been in pain for weeks. Ergo, my tolerance level for bullshit is non-existent right now. Its is then fortunate that my snark filter is on and functioning.

I have been watching tv for hours now. The Honey gave up a while ago.

Observational level; I am getting increasingly irritated every time I hear sports on or turn on the television and it is on ESPN. Observing this from the inside of my head in a rational fashion shows that, well, its irrational. The tv is on ESPN because the Honey watches live tv way more than I do and it is mostly sports tv. Trying to decode this and deprogram it before I throw a shoe at the tv or something more important.

Its cold and damp. Damp kitty is not happy kitty. *see pain and bullshit tolerance above*

I think I am not drinking enough water.

It is possible I could sleep now. Its still earlier than when he gets home from the club when he goes.
hypatia42: (Default)
Actually I'm really looking forward to my weekend. There are drawbacks. The Honey leaves for a week in Denver before I get back on Monday evening. Luckily I have support systems in place and I'm in a much better place than I have been. The other worry is that I'm barely keeping afloat with my allergies here. Historically August in MO wasn't a terribly bad time for my allergies but this year has been so screwy I'm not gonna hold my breath. I've been on the 24 loratadine since Sunday eve and I got acupuncture yesterday. Its been much better since then.

I get to see my wife, spend some time with S, spend several days at my boys' house and hopefully do lots of swimming. I am taking my girl with me. I really like that I can take her with me to KC. I worry less. I kinda wish I could bring Torby on this trip as S seems to really like her company and both cats are unhappy with all the chaos goings on about the house.

The painters have arrived. Came in Monday morning. Started scraping and sanding and chainsawing and generally making a lot of noise. They should be able to start putting color up on Friday. *squeee* Hyper Blue here I come. Pics of the finished product will likely be put up somewhere. I will try to remember to provide a link.

Getting more and more excited about visiting Portland. Sock Dreams. The OCEAN. Oh and that pesky conference I have to go to. *chuckle* It should be a good time as well. :)

The Honey as turned on the tv and is watching the monologues again...

I managed to start a proselytizing session on facebook last night that carried on into today. There is now a group of people praying for me because I dared stand up for people's right to worship or not worship as they saw fit. Reminds me of when I got kicked out of the Southern Baptist church. :) They really don't like it when people do that. Ah well, live and learn. I will msg the person who's wall it was on and apologize cause he was not a part of it. I will probably also ask him if that sort of thing was something his faith and worship supports and if so I will just unfriend him. Cause I sure as hell don't need that.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
...if you defined them properly.

I am possessive. Things are MINE. Just because they are mine doesn't also mean they can't be yours. I'm very good at sharing. But because things are shared does not also mean they are not MINE. Even if these things are ours does not mean they are not MINE.

"I'm a cat. I'm not supposed to make sense." Seanan MacGuire.

Demanding is also something I am. I demand that people come over and give me hugs and pettins. I do it in an authoritative manner and tone. I don't demand things of people that they aren't already inclined to do or think need to be done. Makes life easier on everyone.

Sitting here this early evening reading a book and crying. Its a YA book. Silly and insightful as they often are. This one in particular is filled with magic at this point. I put it all there myself. I had a bit of help. Sir Terry Pratchett is an amazing author. Very good for my head.

Wondering why I am so disappointed that the Honey didn't come home at 3:30 like he said he was going to. I know things change. Especially when his work is involved. I think it is largely because I wanted to take him and go find a cool lake to swim in for a spell before the evening actually hit and weekend set in at the lakes. I could have taken myself and it would have been good for me. But I napped and after my lack of sleep last night that was good for me as well.

I have a recipe. I need peanut oil.

Quote

Feb. 10th, 2011 11:45 pm
hypatia42: (Default)
"I look like an effin sunrise. This so rocks"
"I love you so much."
"You love me so much huh?"
"You, with the 'sunrise' hair in the dark-ish of winter."
"Sumthin has to bring the dawn of the year right?"
"Yes. Which is why I love you so much."
hypatia42: (roses)
I looked at my calendar for some other reason on Sunday evening. I noticed that Tuesday was marked Anniversary. The Honey and I don't generally do much to mark the day, out to dinner or to a park sometimes. We celebrate being together the whole year. It was a bit of a shock to have not been aware of it though.

8 years is a long time. I was a different person then. So was he. We were living in a different place, our lives were much less stable, and there was much less support. A lot of times it felt like we didn't have much more than each other to lean on. We've grown a lot since then. We each have a better handle on our needs, we're good at communicating those with one another, and mostly we know where the other is coming from. We deal with things as we need to, as they come up. Its nice to have such a strong base to work from.

Looking forward to continuing to growing with you love. My husband.
hypatia42: (Default)
when it notices, now that I have a functioning computer screen, that Gilgamesh Wulfenbach and the Honey have the same color eyes

how pretty.

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