Nov. 5th, 2016 11:56 pm
hypatia42: (Default)
At least I think it is hormones. The feelings of being worthless and like I'm too needy for anyone in their right mind to put up with do seem to cycle like hormones. Lacking the physiological effects of those hormones it is harder to tell.

Pretty sure that I am exhausted too. I miss my meds.

I started a profile on OKCupid. I freely admit that the impetus on that was to look at a profile of a gal who lives in NJ because a friend said it was awesome. I think my profile probably needs work but life is what it is. Figuring out how things work. I was concerned for years that the bullshit would get to me. Now I find that it just rolls off and I can delete it without a second thought. Mostly people have been respectful, only had to block one person so far.

It does confuse me that when I set my preferences to bi-male I get profiles of female presenting members. I dunno what to do about that. Gender and sexuality intersection is strange.

Gods my head hurts.
hypatia42: (Default)
Its an okay tired though. I'm not broken or in a lot of pain. I'm just tired. I have worked a lot today. I have been to conventions three weekends in a row now. I have done a lot of personal, spiritual, and heart connection work. In addition I have continued to take care of my retail job and my personal business.

My time is valuable. I treat myself with care, recognizing the things that will push me beyond my spoon count and choosing deliberately if that is what I want to do. I am getting out and moving more as is my goal this year. I am managing to increase my activity levels without damaging myself which means actual increase in strength and stamina. All good things.

Still tired. Bed for the Amy.
hypatia42: (Default)
I think I don't post here often any longer because I mostly interact with the internet via my phone. I should find out if there is an app that will let me at least update. Reading on my phone is tedious.

As I am getting my brain in order for the first time in years I am noticing I do a lot of things to accommodate all of my atypical diagnoses. I should probably word that at some point. SO I can keep track or some shit.

Headache since 3am today. This straight up blows. Imma try to sleep now. Scratch that, I am going to drug myself to sleep now. Nite!
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
Continuing with the language of my subconscious, rebuilding the second floor of a mall after years of neglect is just not easy. I keep picking up pieces of damaged self and examining them for anything worth keeping. Its like picking up and sorting old photographs. "Is there anything not damaged in this one that makes it worth salvaging?" This also means figuring out how to take all of the rubble that has been deemed not salvageable and recycle it, trash it, get rid of it somehow.

I haven't been sleeping well since that dream. I honestly don't know why. Possibly because I am doing Work while I am sleeping. The Honey has been pulled into doing a lot of travel for work again. I'm sure it only seems this way because I am looking at it through the lens of my experience but I feel that his work always takes him out of the state when I need support. I'm scared and I am doing it anyway but it is definitely harder lacking my spouse.

Building a relationship with someone who is actually more busy than I am is scary and comforting at the same time. On one side there is the knowledge that Ash is not going to try to turn me into his whole life, codependent style is not something I can tolerate. On the other there is the question, "Is there room in his life for this?" I cannot make that decision for him. Signs point to him desiring to make the effort that it is possible. Okay. I can work with that. I know he is working on getting into Nursing school tho and I know the type of demands that puts on time and mental resources. I have been in the situation before where a person I was dating really didn't have time for me in their life and was constantly lying to himself and everyone around him about that. Ash isn't like that in my experience. He communicates what is going on. He exudes joy and I gotta say that is nice.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. Each relationship stands on its own and shouldn't be judged by the previous ones. You are the sum of your experiences but that is not true of relationships. You can decide how to interact with each person rather than reacting from a place of fear rooted in the past.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
Couldn't sleep well last night. Three days running now I have been awake 3 hours earlier than my usual. Not a good trend.

Maples are blooming. This makes me sluggish and generally more difficult to function.

The Honey is going to be away on business for the next two weeks. After being gone this week. Making multiple plans we had made null. *sigh* I get it and yet...

Massage on my arms yesterday was WAY TOO much. I am covered in bruises today. Dude. Not cool. And OW.

Clients tonight. Needed to get this all out of my head cause not helpful, y'know?
hypatia42: (Default)
Don't think it has really sunk in yet that I have managed the "sublime" degree. Still makes my eyes roll involuntarily. I will survive.

Horrible dreams about R being mistreated. *heart breaking* I love you earth sprite. Be well.

Read Affliction. I was right about who Asher reminds me of. Still echoing.

Didn't sleep last night. Not sure why but since my sleep was so solid and deep in the days before(when I forgot to take my allergy meds) I am trying allergy meds in the morning instead of the evening. I am really hoping this will help my quality of sleep overall.

Got contacted by someone I never expected. Not sure what to make of that other than, *shrug* "Ok." My wariness level jumped a lot, I will admit.

Dinner in needs to be happening more. I think my kitchen needs to be better purged of gluten as well. I have noticed that physical stress makes me more sensitive to it. Despite being vigilant in MD, I still had Sx. Will do what I can to mitigate that in the future. Constantly be on enzymes?

Need to schedule the Pixie Child a visit to St. Sabrina's to get her ears redone. I might take her by there to explore the place before the scheduled visit so she can get used to the place. I know she wants earrings. I also hear that she doesn't deal with pain well. Her mother and I have plotted to make sure mom isn't around. :)
hypatia42: (Default)
Today I have consumed calories twice, had caffeine, seen my chiro, fed the cats, and paid bills. I am contemplating having a nap before starting packing. My heart feels like it is doing strange things in the rhythm/bp category. Not sure what that is about. I am sure Nell would tell me to be careful cause some of those things can kill you.

Dealing with the aftermath of being glutened at the baseball game the other night. Still bloated and feeling foggy.

Can't manage to stay asleep lately. Its more than a little irritating. I am hoping the nap will help clear things.

I have taken to warning people when I am foggy that, "I am not wording well today." I have also noticed that when I stumble midconversation I will say something like, "...and words." I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who can help me not be stressed by this rather than those who make the situation more stressful. <3

Tomorrow I start a vacation wherein I should be able to chill out and recharge. Last time I planned this my cat died. I am pretty sure that one doesn't count. The universe is now on notice. I need a break. I will pick things up again *after* I get home.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
until I go to sleep. if I don't go to sleep then it will still be today and not tomorrow.

I know this logic does not really track but I also know the inside of my head and that is what is going on.

The first of my tests is tomorrow. Also the most innocuous. Also the one least likely to tell me anything useful. It might be able to tell the Dr that I have polyps in my uterus. Maybe. Which might be causing cramping and bleeding issues. Possibly.

I feel a bit like I need Samuel L. Jackson to read to me. "Go the FUCK to Sleep."

OK. I will go. I will sleep. Tomorrow is another day with new things to discover. Like what the inside of my uterus looks like.
hypatia42: (Default)
Thinking about my trip to Portland next week and getting super excited. Trying to think about things I want to take with me. I need to go to Cacao. The ice cream shop wouldn't suck but my priority is the Kapow bar. The wife y'know. She needs one.

I just replied to a hard email. I'm doing ok though.

I travel a lot. My desire to travel keeps me from doing some other things that I would like to do. I have accepted this as consequence of having to choose. Life may change one day but for now, I love seeing the world and the people that fill it.

I'm exhausted. Kitty Cat did not let me sleep well last night. She cannot curl up on my chest to sleep anymore. She has been sleeping under the covers next to the Honey. The Honey is in CO. This makes doing that not possible. Apparently I am not able to cuddle in the same way, I think this is because I am not as warm as he is. The new doc put her on a new med called gabapentin. Kinda wishing I could go on it myself. Its been good for her.

Still blissfully overflowing from the weekend. Needing to unpack and wash things so I can repack and leave next week.

Be love.
hypatia42: (Default)
I woke earlier than desired, my attempt at sleeping in failed, to a puffy face with eyes swollen from crying before going to bed.

*aside* that is a damn good sentence */aside*

People arriving for the weekend around 2pm. I have to go pick them up. The guest space is clean even if the main floor is a bit cluttered.

The Honey had a friend over last night to talk over what needs to be done for the cabinet that was falling off the wall. Its contents are all over the dining room and office now. *see cluttered

Its done raining for now. That could be the cause of some of the puffiness. It is 62 degrees out now and it supposedly feels like it. According to last night's forecast, it is supposed to be 93 on Sunday and feeling like 107. 30/40 degrees difference in three days is not nice Mr. Weather Channel.
hypatia42: (Default)
12:18 at the start of this post. I was exhausted and trying not to fall asleep at the table after dinner. Now I am wide awake. Might be the energy of the storm. It has calmed down now though. Just raining at this point. I hope the things I planted are enjoying it.

The rosemary shrub wants to go outside. I think it will probably be ok at this point. I am a little scared for it though. Have to get the Honey to cart it down the steps.

Two years ago I was trying to figure out how to recover from the worst car accident I have ever been in. The 26th passed without note for which I am grateful. Last year the Honey threatened to keep me in all day or wrap me in bubblewrap. Which he did to make me laugh because he knows that there is no way I would let him do something like that to me. It worked. I laughed. He told me to be careful. I did. All was well. This year I am doing better than I have in a long time. I can work, still less hours than I ought to be able to but I am doing well for myself and I feel like I am doing what I *need* to be doing.

People upon hearing that I was in two car accidents in 10 months will often say things like, "I'm never getting in the car with you," as though MVAs are a disease you can catch. It doesn't seem to matter that I wasn't even driving in the second one or that there was no way I could prevent the first as I wasn't at fault. People are superstitious. Its a little sad and it makes me chuckle on occasion.

Over the weekend I dreamed I was visiting a "renfaire" that I have dreamed about several times before. The people who were there or going with me changed but I remember the scenery. Tomcat's girlfriend for one. Why I would be dreaming about her I do not know. She is super sweet though. They might yet make it. I hope so.

The ice cream I tried to make before...something went wrong in the making of it. I'm not sure if the milk was on the verge of turning when I cooked it or if the cooking it did something strange but it is not right. It doesn't taste poisonous, just weird and tangy. Tangy ice cream is not so much what I was going for. I do wonder if it was the raw milk or if it was something I did. I've never cooked an ice cream, custard, or raw milk before. Lossa variables there.

It shedding season. The girl cannot effectively groom herself any longer though she still tries. This means I have to brush her and dear god she hates that. We need to make it a habit like giving her her pills. I have been avoiding it because she does hate it and it seems to hurt. She's getting mats though and that is worse for her than the brushing would be. She got used to taking pills. If I brush her a little bit regularly she might eventually be sorta ok with it. Right?

Time to find some extra motivation somewhere. I can do this.
hypatia42: (Default)
My snark filter is on and functioning despite it being 1:34am.

I am awake at 1:34am despite being exhausted at 8:30pm. I think I have decided that I need to use my blue light and reset my circadian rhythms. This has got to stop.

My tolerance level for bullshit is non-existent when I am in pain. I have been in pain for weeks. Ergo, my tolerance level for bullshit is non-existent right now. Its is then fortunate that my snark filter is on and functioning.

I have been watching tv for hours now. The Honey gave up a while ago.

Observational level; I am getting increasingly irritated every time I hear sports on or turn on the television and it is on ESPN. Observing this from the inside of my head in a rational fashion shows that, well, its irrational. The tv is on ESPN because the Honey watches live tv way more than I do and it is mostly sports tv. Trying to decode this and deprogram it before I throw a shoe at the tv or something more important.

Its cold and damp. Damp kitty is not happy kitty. *see pain and bullshit tolerance above*

I think I am not drinking enough water.

It is possible I could sleep now. Its still earlier than when he gets home from the club when he goes.
hypatia42: (Default)
No Honey, I did not go directly to bed. Its ok.

Sitting here reading journals et al and realizing the day I had yesterday compared to the day I had today. 180 degrees difference. Yesterday I was in an airplane or airport for 12 hours. I was in a lot of pain physically and emotionally. I was really really down on myself for the things that I have allowed to happen to me as an adult.

Arrogance will make you think you have control over something you do not. I will remember this. I will also remember to not blame myself for things I do not have control over. I will not take responsibility for things that are not mine.

I have noticed a serious connection between my pain levels and how I view myself. If I am in pain I am far more likely to be emotionally bad for me. Noted.
hypatia42: (Default)
The disadvantage of being up most of the night is that you've already looked at all the things you would spend time looking at during the day.

Having cucumber salad and a grilled chicken thigh today for lunch. Forgot to eat much of anything yesterday. Wasn't really hungry. Its been more of a problem this week than the rest of the summer. The Honey threatened to hit me with the menu last night at dinner.

Mentally prepping for the coming weeks leaves me feeling busy but not daunted. Things coming into balance in my life are a really good thing. I've worked hard to get here. I will work hard to get to the next level too. But for now, in the space between one decision and the next, I will breathe and enjoy life and love and do my best to release expectation for what is to come.
hypatia42: (Default)
mostly cause its dark outside and its dark inside and the Honey needs to be able to stay asleep even if I can't.

Went to a birthday party at GB Leighton's Pickle Park this evening for J. Most of the crew from the Seamstress' Guild that I have gotten to know at cons were there. I like getting to know them better.

Listened to a song that [personal profile] dawningday posted for his nephew and started thinking about my niece and nephew that I cannot know. Thinking about the Honey's niece and nephews who are in such a hard place right now and will continue to be. Thinking about R and everything that entails. I was crying too. Thank you dear for sharing.
cut for rambling in the night )
hypatia42: (Default)
"5am turn the radio up
Where's the rock 'n roll?"

dear god why the hell am I awake? Oh right, a combination of physical misery and Kitty Cat having a bad night. My nose is trying to run away from my head. Eyes are leaking. Sinuses stopped up all the way to my ears. fuckin allergies. Walking out of the air conditioned part of the house makes everything immediately worse. I think the most worrisome part is the sore throat that seems to be accompanying these symptoms.

Kitty Cat didn't have a horrible night. I think it would have been ok if I hadn't already felt like hell.

Needin' pettins. This sucks.
hypatia42: (Default)
miserable temps and humidity have led to night time living patterns and sleep wonkiness.

I have two new pair of pants. Spent under $16 for them both. I like this.

Tracking points again in conjunction with my motivation to work out more. If I shrink out of my new pants it will be ok. Vegas man, Vegas.

Work is quiet right now. I have bills to pay and a physical balance to upkeep. The balance between is sometimes tricky.

Traveling to KC for a long weekend next week. Taking the girl with me as is my wont when traveling places that allow it. Too bad I can't to Portland. Will be spending time with [personal profile] onecrane, my wife and her beau, my boys and their family. I will swim and chill and work and hopefully pick up my lost pair of yoga pants. This trip is in lieu of one of the boys visiting me here in MN. I was gone and then they were gone and now they need to get ready for school. So I will be there as a distraction to them instead of them being here as a distraction to me! Heehee.

Life continues apace. I have some packages to send. More work to do. Glad life has chilled out.

Peace people.
hypatia42: (hugs)
Sometime over an hour ago Kitty Cat spasm'd herself off the bed into the corner and soundly woke me up such that I haven't been able to get back to sleep. This even less ideal than it usually would be because I have to be at the office at 8am. I will be done by 11ish. Then I can come home and crash solid. Til then, this sucks.

I have used this time to update facebook and flickr with photos from Madison. ...Yeah that's about it for productivity. I did discover that I like my DW reading page. Its easy to get through everything. Much harder on LJ. Google+ is fun and easy and much more my style. Enjoying that.

Hmm, yawning. Might be able to sleep again. Going to give it a good college try. Er sumthin.
hypatia42: (Default)
Its some kind of terrible when a day with the sun behind the clouds can make me feel like the world is not a place I wanna be.

The house needs to be fixed, insulated, and painted. I'm hoping we get two out of three there. Trees need to be removed and I'm holding off planting things cause I don't want them to die when either of those things happen.

Thinking I need to change the accounts that several automatic transactions happen through. If I can just put it in there then I don't need to worry about it. I will maintain the amount necessary in that account and since it is not an account that either of us use we should be fine.

I'm tired. I think its been too many days with not quite enough sleep and working hard in the middle. I can tell it is effecting me. Probably making the lack of sunshine worse.

Dude... I'm in pain. I forgot that I get crabby and depressed when I'm in pain. I will go take pain killers now. I will also go tanning and have a nap before the Honey gets home. This will totally reframe my day such that I can have a lovely evening.


hypatia42: (Default)

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