hypatia42: (Default)
Don't think it has really sunk in yet that I have managed the "sublime" degree. Still makes my eyes roll involuntarily. I will survive.

Horrible dreams about R being mistreated. *heart breaking* I love you earth sprite. Be well.

Read Affliction. I was right about who Asher reminds me of. Still echoing.

Didn't sleep last night. Not sure why but since my sleep was so solid and deep in the days before(when I forgot to take my allergy meds) I am trying allergy meds in the morning instead of the evening. I am really hoping this will help my quality of sleep overall.

Got contacted by someone I never expected. Not sure what to make of that other than, *shrug* "Ok." My wariness level jumped a lot, I will admit.

Dinner in needs to be happening more. I think my kitchen needs to be better purged of gluten as well. I have noticed that physical stress makes me more sensitive to it. Despite being vigilant in MD, I still had Sx. Will do what I can to mitigate that in the future. Constantly be on enzymes?

Need to schedule the Pixie Child a visit to St. Sabrina's to get her ears redone. I might take her by there to explore the place before the scheduled visit so she can get used to the place. I know she wants earrings. I also hear that she doesn't deal with pain well. Her mother and I have plotted to make sure mom isn't around. :)
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm back from Portland. likely to get rambly )
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
*snip*Mercedes Ruehl earned a well-deserved Academy Award for her work in The Fisher King.

"You don't get to be nice."

One of her best scenes in that movie was the scene where Jeff Bridges’ character, Jack, tells her he’s leaving. She breaks down, sobbing, and he starts to comfort her. Then she pulls herself away from him.

“No!” she says. “You don’t get to be nice! I’m not gonna play some stupid game with you so you can walk out that door feeling good about yourself. …”

She’s right. He doesn’t get to be “nice,” or to pretend he’s not the bad guy so that he can feel good about himself. What he’s doing shouldn’t allow him to feel good about himself. What he’s doing makes him the bad guy.

I was reading an article and this bit reached out and smacked me in the psyche. I have tried to communicate this in many different ways before but never so blatant as to say, "You don't get to be nice." There is nothing in the rule book about me absolving you of your guilt so you can move on.
I am getting to be ok with the line, "I didn't know what I had when I had it." I am learning that I am no longer the person that wrote the personal disclaimer I posted some months ago. I still warrant a disclaimer but its a very different one at this point. Growing up I am. :) Perhaps something along the lines of "be careful what you wish for," would suffice. Perhaps with a side order of, "I am damaged and may need a break from time to time that has absolutely nothing to do with you."
Its been a difficult week. A whole lot of energy output with not a lot of return on investment so to speak. Not all from one quarter so don't be assuming things. I am certainly being knocked off center but things that used to take weeks or months to recover from are now taking hours. I'm managing my own things/needs/space and doing a decent job of balancing the ledger. Tuesday evening I took a bath with a bunch of woody scents in it and shaved my legs for the first time in a long time. Last night I sat at the wine bar and had a flight. Tonight I took ten minutes and wandered through the garden center at Menards. The smell of plants is good for me. Who knows that tomorrow will bring.
I think I have the insight I need to deal with T. I talked with W about military things and people and mindsets. It helped. I think I have the frame of reference I need to go forward and not fuck things up with my confusion.


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