hypatia42: (Default)
seems like most of my posts lately have been about my health. I'm sorta keeping it together. I think I would feel better if I could well and truly fall apart supported by someone who knows how to do that without damaging my sense of self but also has no stakes in this directly. This person is not forthcoming.

So I'm in pain. Not allowed to take NSAIDs because of their blood thinning properties and being cut open on Tuesday. Ibuprofen is my usual standby when I can't get my muscles to release. I will admit that part of the pain is sitting in front of the laptop on the kitchen table. At least I have a computer chair in here now.

Pre-op appointment today. Once again I am able to say I, much like my cat, am remarkably healthy in spite of everything wrong with me. *wry grin* I am also capable of running on will power and stubborn like she is. There is a limit to how long I can do that in a healthy way.

words for how to deal with me that I need to make sure don't go away: "a big factor is how well your partner deals with shifting boundaries based on how you're doing and willingness to lovingly meet you wherever you are. And a lot of raw, animal lust."

I turn into someone I don't like when I'm in constant mind bending pain. I start questioning my ability to interact as an adult with other human beings. I start questioning my worth as someone to does interact with other adults. Questions like, "Why on earth do you want to be near me?" and "Why do you put up with me?" enter my mind. The Honey is about the only one who deals with this. He's a saint, I swear. I've gotten really good at recognizing these lies. Just trying to get thru it the best I can. I just want to feel better. *sigh*

[profile] gwisteria convinced the hospital that they had to give my my uterus back when they were done with it. I want to dig a hole and plant an apple tree over it. I would dearly love for something good and reproductive to be fed by that part of me that gave me nothing but pain. Outside of me it can do more good than in. I have faith that this is the right thing to do and I will feel better. And there will be apples.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I was sitting in my living room watching TV, the Honey curled up on the couch head in my lap. He does this. He gets tired and is happy to sleep on me rather than go to bed. He keeps me warm and makes me feel like I'm not waiting up alone. Its a decent arrangement, especially since he can actually sleep like that. It would never work for me.

That's pretty much our relationship. Both of us accepting the differences we have and being willing to work with what the other prefers. Its pretty cool.

I was musing earlier on independence and depression and how I feel like I've lost one and gained the other. Much with the not liking how my brain was wandering down this path we both arrived at the same solution at the same time. Though likely we took different paths to get there. Start doing things I can do. So I'll be getting the paint buckets and brushes out and continuing work on the trim since I can't put up curtains.

I looked over to the corner of our living room behind where all the curtain stuff is. I have my broom and both of our staves stored there in the corner. Its funny to look at the two of them. Mine is cedar, who knows what his is(knowing him he picked up a piece of oak). *goes to look*

Upon further examination it looks much more like cherry. The horizontal lenticels are a dead give away. Y'see, his still has the bark and lichen on it. I'm not sure how it was cut off but he found it on a camping trip. He picked it up and was using it as a walking staff while he was out in the woods. Mud and what not still ground into the ends. Apparently liked it enough that it needed to come home with him. Its a rescue staff.

Mine is stripped of bark. Smoothed to a satin soft finish. I decided not to wax or seal it because nothing feels like this wood does. There is just something about the blond wood and the soft feel that is so comforting to me, I even like cuddling it. It tapers to a fine point where it touches the ground. Yeah, its been outside, it knows dirt. But it isn't dirty. Looking at it you might mistake it for being fragile. You'd be wrong. It is remarkably resilient and bouncy. I harvested it from a tree that was set to be destroyed on the campus of my college. They decided it didn't need to be there anymore so they tore it out of the ground. I took it and stripped the branches, then the bark and finished it down all the way to wet-dry sandpaper, grit somewhere in the thousands. I did it all. It is also a rescue staff.

I was struck at how much our staves are like us. The Honey is pretty rough and rugged most of the time. He cleans up decent but he's always solid. I'm more visually deceiving I guess. Call it elegant instead of fragile. :) Still resilient and bouncy. And strong. We both are strong. It just manifests in different ways. We both arrive at the same place from different directions.

This is a better description for how we work than I have ever come up with. So many people don't get it. I've been asked countless times how we get along, we're so different, how do we make it work? We always seem to arrive at the same place no matter what direction we take to get there.
hypatia42: (Default)
Polyamory is hard. Don't let anyone tell you different. It takes work. Work at communication, with yourself and your loved ones. Work at making sure you're in a healthy place. Work at owning your stuff and taking responsibility for it.

It will outline everything you are bad at in relationships. It will also outline the things you're good at.

I don't see myself as being capable of being interested in someone who just wants to sleep around. Going home with someone from a bar is not a responsible decision for your health. *see above for responsibility*

... huh. I guess that is what I see poly as; ultimate responsibility because your actions are linked to the health and wellness of those people you love. Doing it right makes you think more not less.

Upside, potential for better support structures. More of my needs are met, and I am generally happier. My relationship with my husband is generally improved and less stressful. I'm a high maintenance kitty. Spreading that around makes everyone's life easier. Knowing that he is ok with me being in charge of my needs means overall I am less high maintenance. This is also a good thing. He trusts me to communicate what my needs are and I trust him to tell me when/if he thinks he can meet them. Very good thing. We've been working at this for a while. :)

Not interested in not doing the work. Doing it has made my life easier for me to live and far more fulfilling.
hypatia42: (Default)
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I think thats all of the weekend. Kitty Cat has managed to be right next to me ever since I got home. Doesn't seem to matter what I'm doing or where, she'll find me. Right now she's being warmed by the top vet of the monitor. She has been faced away from me for several hours now. I'm pretty sure she thought it was time to go to bed a long time ago but is unwilling to give up her post. Ooo, BIG Strech! Sleep time.


hypatia42: (Default)

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