panic

Jun. 20th, 2011 04:33 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
pass on by, nothing but insanity here )

the honey being gone this week is really non-ideal
hypatia42: (Default)
in which I talk about me and myself )Anyone know a good therapist in Mpls?

"I don't need to be in that spotlight.
I create my own glowing light."
hypatia42: (Girl Genius)
Yesterday was a hair day. I cut the Honey's hair, nothing new, and I cut and dyed [profile] gwisteria's hair. I rolled mine in curlers and left them overnight. I now look like Shirley Temple.

I signed up for a class on CranioSacral work. Eeep. Its gonna be great. It gets me half of my required CEUs for this certification period. I want to pick up the fascial work class late this year as well. Have missed it twice and I know it would be good for my practice.

I need to find another mirror. I feel like I need to figure out how to stop being a mirror for certain things in others. I remember reading a post from [profile] ingridsummers once about the things others see of themselves in you also having a lesson in it. I should probably talk to her about it.

I am fae. Just in case it wasn't clear and present in anyone's mind. No really. Its not that I like them and could decide to walk away if I wanted to. I am one. This causes some people consternation.

Decision time coming. Hard ones to make. Financial elements vying with personal and spiritual ones. I'm not sure yet which will win out. I don't even know which ones I want to win out. *wry smile* I guess that is part of what makes them hard.

Thinking of haring off to KC for the weekend. By which I mean I would spend most of it in Lawrence with [personal profile] berkie. I generally do when I am going there for my mental health. Much as I love my mom she's not the person to lean on when you have a beat up heart.

Boss man says I should have been born with curly hair. :D Oh if he weren't so young...and cynical...and short. But I digress.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
its almost 2pm. I have a massage scheduled at 6 today. I need to eat again and sleep would be good for me. I have two emails to craft. I have a schedule to fill. I need to send out postcards for my business. Paperwork is ever present. The touch screen in my phone is having issues today. Preforming the usual "take the battery out and see if that fixes it" test.

Robert Fulghum writes that recipes and maps are not the world. They don't tell you of all the things you will experience in the journey that they outline. Neither is this an actual post about my day. It is simply a list. An agenda for the remainder.

Seeing evidence of how easy it is to pick up and walk away from everything I find myself tempted. I know it is a surface easy. I know that I would have to accept the consequences of walking away from my responsibilities. Its tempting right now though. The mountain top coffee plantation in Costa Rica is really really tempting. I'm not willing to do that to my life though. I'm not willing to do that to the people around me. Mebbe it could be a get away space.

I think something is vitally wrong in life when I actually *need* a vacation every couple of months. I'm not talking travel. Much as I love it travel to the east coast is not a vacation. No, I'm talking a complete break from my life as I know it. April 14th, here I come.
hypatia42: (Default)
in service to the gods. One chose me in particular to do Her work in this world. I was given a choice. I could give up a piece of my freedom to Her and do the things She needs done here on this earth, or I could continue as I had been closed off, shut down, blank. Havning known nothing else I never would have missed what I had not known. I made the choice to step into the light. Several times I have been given the choice to go back but I haven't. I have never regretted the decision. I keep progressing on my journey, one more step this weekend. I have been put into places I didn't like, places that forced me to change sometimes in cataclysmic ways, places that helped me learn, some that were all three. I have learned that not resisting the change is the best way to come out on the other side whole. "Be like the water, when pressured, make your own way."

It is a hard place to be the worker of Her will in this world. It limits your choices in some ways. Allows you great power and compassion in others. Gives insight and the possibility for compassion in places where others would break or turn inwards. It takes strength and gives strength to you at the same time. It takes resolve on your part and yet it gives you plenty of reason to maintain that resolve. I have visualized it like I was on one end of a teeter-toter for some time trying to maintain balance with all the things I needed to do on the other end. I am changing the way I see that. I am the teeter-toter I am the center, the balance with my strenghts and knowledge on one end and my jobs on the other. I am working towards bringing them towards the center to make my job easier. I am working to forge more tools to make it easier as well. Pay attnetion, be present, listen. Use what you hear to your best advantage. Make sure to take care of yourself first, your loved ones next, and then begin the process of reaching out further. Only by expanding love can you get more in return.

Face your fears, afraid of change? embrace it. Afraid of rejection? reach out. Afraid of failure? forge on. Keep going, keep trying, trusting that the path will be made even if by you.

I have never been given a task that I was not also taught the tools to manage it with. It was work accepting the lessons thus far. With each day I get better at listening and understanding the tools I will be needing soon. Most importantly I have learned the amazingly important tool of how to be open, safely, with boundaries. I know where I am, who I am and what I am. I accept all those things. I accept that I am not perfect. Only when you accept that you are not perfect can you truly see what it is that you need to work on. I know where I end and where other begins. I know me.

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