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Its mid-September and I feel like I missed most of summer. Part of that is the Honey broke and dislocated his wrist playing baseball necessitating 2 surgeries. When he does something he shoots for the best. I'm just glad the best was on call at that hospital that night. Not in the plan.

I feel like I was so busy that I can't remember most of it. This is unsatisfactory.

Started a nutritional shake program today. Hoping that having liquid food will help the rest of my systems to calm down.

My allergy testing was, thus far, not helpful. Blood tests from the allergist has me lower than she wants me to be for Vit D.

Saw a rheumatologist and he was sympathetic, unlike the last one years ago, but mostly didn't have any news that would help me. Blood tests from the Rheum haven't come back yet. Mebbe next week. He agreed that I have some sort of connective tissue thing going on and that I do have some hypermobility but its "not extreme" which pretty much means its not treatable. In the mean time I still can't carry anything without pulling my shoulders and back outta whack and I have no path forward to answers.

I guess I am feeling defeated and that is a really hard place to start winter at. I think I am hoping that the shakes will help underlying things become less problematic.
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Went to see Cupping Guy on Sunday because my shoulder is getting to the point that I can't keep functioning with it this way. I got a good hour long massage on my upper back and shoulder girdle then he covered my back in cups and left them there for about 10 minutes. Lots changed. Like whoa.

Monday saw a headache settle in from my shoulder in the evening but is was knocked down to manageable by an alcoholic drink(that had its own problems but I will write about that later). During the day I was super functional. I worked at the mall. I had a client. Then I went grocery shopping. It is possible that I did too much and tried to carry things that were too heavy for the state my shoulder is currently in and that caused the headache.

Tuesday was chiro adjustment, lunch with
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Going to see WW tonight. Woke with a headache. It just keeps getting worse. I probably should have gone to the chiropractor today. The amount of chemicals in my blood stream right now is kinda disturbing. I haven't added narcotics yet. I have noticed that they generally don't help much with nerve pain. We shall see how this goes.
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Woke up this morning and couldn't turn my head. Something on the left side of my neck and shoulder is stuck. If I have perfect posture, see Pilates, I'm fine. Can't use my left arm but y'know, "fine." I have not done anything in days that would cause muscle tension. Had public new moon ritual last night and had T-student come over to carry things up and down the stairs. I did nothing save carry and hold a vase of flowers. Left side is not my usual "problem side."
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It is worth noting that all activity doesn't increase my pain levels. I went for a 6 mile hike thru mud and snow while I was in OR with no ill effects. I swam 500 meters with no ill effects. I've been doing Pilates weekly for 6 months.

Fell up the steps at my office this afternoon. Bashed my knee and jammed my finger. *sigh* It feels like the universe is telling me to slow down. I don't know that I have it in me to be slower than I am now.
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I was mostly fine for a while. I discovered in Portland that CDBs work fairly well for me for certain types of pain.

Friday I started getting a headache again around dinner. Ended my night early, came home, and laid down with an ice pack after throwing all the drugs at it(benadryl, flexeril, ibuprofen). I woke feeling mostly okay.

Carrying anything heavy is right out. Causes immediate pain. Looking like doing massage is getting harder on my joints as I have noticed a correlation between headaches/pain days and how many massage hours I am doing. That scares me. Not sure how to resolve it.

Body pain

Feb. 26th, 2017 01:39 am
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No fucking clue what is going on any longer. My body is in a state of constant pain and there doesn't seem to be a cause. I need several days of concentrated skin contact. By happy coincidence I am heading to Portland on Wednesday.
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Friday morning I woke with a head and ear ache. Drove to Chicago for Capricon. The pain steadily got worse over the day. To the point where people at the convention were asking me if I was okay. I changed my plans and didn't do things I wanted to do because of my pain level.
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Last Wednesday my shoulder/neck was so jacked up I had to leave early. Went to my chiro in Minneapolis because I was getting to the nausea stage and nothing else helps at that point. An hour on an ice pack after that and I was able to ride in the car for the trip to KC.

The following day drove to Maryville and got another adjustment. Shoulder/neck mostly resolved so long as I don't try to carry anything. I can tell the muscles are still tight but it isn't causing me active pain.

Last night on the way back to home base from family gatherings all day I was in increasing amounts of pain radiating from my left SI down to my knee by way of my hip socket. When got back I could barely walk it hurt so badly. Took Vicodin. It helped. Enough that I wasn't favoring that leg but the issue was still felt.

This morning when I woke it had come back despite taking a muscle relaxer before bed. Took another vicodin. Again felt better. 2.5 hours after taking it, the relief is gone. I'm back to limping to move, looking pale from the amount of pain, gasping as waves of pain hit, and feeling like I'm useless.

I can feel the tension in my hip and leg pulling on my upper back and I'm terrified that I am going to have one of my headaches on top of the hip and leg pain.
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I realized I don't have a good idea of how often I have incapacitating pain or how long it lasts. Right now we are on day three. I had to cancel 4 hours of massage, 3 clients total today. I saw Dr D for an adjustment and muscle stim today. It helped for a while. Mostly the Sx are in my right side shoulder and neck referring up into the right side of my head.


Nov. 5th, 2016 11:56 pm
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At least I think it is hormones. The feelings of being worthless and like I'm too needy for anyone in their right mind to put up with do seem to cycle like hormones. Lacking the physiological effects of those hormones it is harder to tell.

Pretty sure that I am exhausted too. I miss my meds.

I started a profile on OKCupid. I freely admit that the impetus on that was to look at a profile of a gal who lives in NJ because a friend said it was awesome. I think my profile probably needs work but life is what it is. Figuring out how things work. I was concerned for years that the bullshit would get to me. Now I find that it just rolls off and I can delete it without a second thought. Mostly people have been respectful, only had to block one person so far.

It does confuse me that when I set my preferences to bi-male I get profiles of female presenting members. I dunno what to do about that. Gender and sexuality intersection is strange.

Gods my head hurts.
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I think I don't post here often any longer because I mostly interact with the internet via my phone. I should find out if there is an app that will let me at least update. Reading on my phone is tedious.

As I am getting my brain in order for the first time in years I am noticing I do a lot of things to accommodate all of my atypical diagnoses. I should probably word that at some point. SO I can keep track or some shit.

Headache since 3am today. This straight up blows. Imma try to sleep now. Scratch that, I am going to drug myself to sleep now. Nite!
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I told mom weeks ago that she needed to keep taking her pain meds and keep ahead of the pain so her body could heal.

Sometime after that I was watching tv when the idea of "making friends with the devil" came up regarding a character's loss and subsequent emotional turmoil. The idea was to embrace the discomfort instead of running from it and avoiding it.

I thought that was a really keen idea and for about 30 minutes had myself convinced that going in to get medicated would only prevent me from dealing with the things I was going through. In conversation with the Honey he said that the very fact that I was asking the question if I needed meds meant I should at least see someone to find out.

Today I connected those two and wanted to kick myself. There is a point where too much is just too much and you can't actually deal with it or make friends. All you can do is drown as wave after wave hits you trying to drag you down.

I can honestly say that I am still swimming but I can't seem to get my feet under me and the waves keep coming. I know I am a good swimmer but I will get tired eventually.

There is nothing wrong with taking your meds to allow your body to heal. Why should it be any different when it is emotional/mental damage rather than physical?

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I've been busy. Probably too busy. For a long time. Definitely too long.

This week the Honey is in Denver and I have found myself unwinding the extra tension like a spring that has been wound too tight. If you let it go its gonna go wild and possibly break. But if you gently unwind it it'll probably be fine. *sigh*

I have watched more tv in the past two days than I have in months, which isn't really saying much cause I don't think I have watched tv in months. There are a couple of tv shows I have in the DVR queue that I had to go back to Feb for the last one I had seen and I know there is one in there that is as old as December. All the tv watching isn't really good for me though. Hurts my neck and today I am really paying for it. I have a headache so bad my R eye feels stabbity and I am avoiding light sources.

I paid for a massage a bit ago and it was a really good idea. I also know that there is a lot more work to be done, see unwinding above.

Trying not to break in the process of relaxing. The week in FL will be good for that. I will sit in the sun. I will play in the surf. I will visit the ocean realm. I will see people I love who love m in return. I will also be sleeping in a bed that allows rest and recuperation. This is key for vacation!

I need to remember that while I no longer have a uterus cyclically making my life a living hell, I do still have hormones and a small amount of endometrial tissue. This could be contributing to the headache as well.
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The Honey has decided that he wants to follow me around and capture pictures of people when I tell them that my uterus is now in my freezer. He thinks it would be a riot. He is probably right. There have been some doozies.

I finally started getting out of the house some on Saturday. 3.5 hrs of errands and lunch. I took a nap after but still didn't need percocet. I was off it completely by Sunday. Monday the Honey went back to work for which he was remarkably grateful. He jokingly said to his boss, "I need a rest from this time off. Can I get back to work?" He has a good boss. Still, not having anyone at home has meant that I am getting up and moving much much more. I figured I would. I get restless and don't like to sit at home alone. Interestingly I can be alone in other places and its no big deal. Home is not easy. At any rate, I have seen a marked increase in pain, enough that I took a percocet when I got home this evening. I need to chill out, slow down, and let my body heal. Thing is, I already feel like I am going at snail's pace. I'm not. I'm healing really well. That will not continue if I push myself.

The gas in my abdomen has started to dissipate. Honestly that has been the most uncomfortable part for me. Other people who have had laproscopic procedures told me this would be the case but they mentioned muscle pain from the gas absorbing to be eliminated. For me it has been all about my body being a shape its not used to. I couldn't zip up my coat! I have no idea how fitting clothing is going to go. I may be in yoga pants to the end of the month which would make TeslaCon sad indeed. It does hurt to be a shape that I am not used to being. My ribcage is trying to accommodate the extra volume but it really doesn't have anywhere to put it.

One of the things I have been doing with my time is starting small batches of test brews. I don't have enough honey for a 5 or 6 gallon. I do have enough for smaller things.
-So I racked the elderflower. It has turned out effervescent. I'm going to try to bottle it carefully and see if some of that will keep. It tastes like an ice wine only floral. It is remarkable.
-Into that one gallon carboy went an experiment. I wanted to see if I could make a pumpkin mead and if I could what it would taste like. I had about 2 lbs of a honey darker than I want to put into the cyser I will start and much too dark for the pyment. I figured it would be a lovely warm flavor for a pumpkin. I baked the pumpkin then cubed it and ran it thru the juicer. Much like the mango, pumpkin is not so much juice as it is puree. Then I took all the pulp and tossed it into a pot with some mulling spices essentially making pumpkin stock out of it. Combine the stock with half of the puree, add dark honey and supplement with 8-10 oz of maple syrup. Voila! And then I forgot the lesson I learned with the mango so I had a small volcano of fruit puree. Little harm done overall. Fermcap added and everything is moving along nicely now.
-One of the honeys I was given as a gift at my birthday honey is a honey I have lusted over for years. [profile] gwisteria's mother brought some honey back home with her from Costa Rica from her family's hives there. [profile] gwisteria doesn't use honey the way I do. So she gave it to me. Today I put together a straight mead with it. There is only about 3/4 of a gallon. Its spicy and rich with a bright note that I can't put my finger on. It should turn out lovely.

I need bottles to put the rest of Freya's Gold up. Its time. I just need to get the bottles. I think I have been putting that one off because it is pretty labor intensive and I shouldn't be doing things like that right now. I suppose I can continue to get things ready for this year's batch to go in once I have enough honey.

Brewing-wise I feel like I need a label. Or rather I need a designer to help me manifest the label I have in my head. I'm thinking Lazy Cat Meadery

Last night I went to a nutrition class for a couple of CEUs. Food for thought. Thoughts about food. I need to get back to journaling. I've been lax about it for months.
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seems like most of my posts lately have been about my health. I'm sorta keeping it together. I think I would feel better if I could well and truly fall apart supported by someone who knows how to do that without damaging my sense of self but also has no stakes in this directly. This person is not forthcoming.

So I'm in pain. Not allowed to take NSAIDs because of their blood thinning properties and being cut open on Tuesday. Ibuprofen is my usual standby when I can't get my muscles to release. I will admit that part of the pain is sitting in front of the laptop on the kitchen table. At least I have a computer chair in here now.

Pre-op appointment today. Once again I am able to say I, much like my cat, am remarkably healthy in spite of everything wrong with me. *wry grin* I am also capable of running on will power and stubborn like she is. There is a limit to how long I can do that in a healthy way.

words for how to deal with me that I need to make sure don't go away: "a big factor is how well your partner deals with shifting boundaries based on how you're doing and willingness to lovingly meet you wherever you are. And a lot of raw, animal lust."

I turn into someone I don't like when I'm in constant mind bending pain. I start questioning my ability to interact as an adult with other human beings. I start questioning my worth as someone to does interact with other adults. Questions like, "Why on earth do you want to be near me?" and "Why do you put up with me?" enter my mind. The Honey is about the only one who deals with this. He's a saint, I swear. I've gotten really good at recognizing these lies. Just trying to get thru it the best I can. I just want to feel better. *sigh*

[profile] gwisteria convinced the hospital that they had to give my my uterus back when they were done with it. I want to dig a hole and plant an apple tree over it. I would dearly love for something good and reproductive to be fed by that part of me that gave me nothing but pain. Outside of me it can do more good than in. I have faith that this is the right thing to do and I will feel better. And there will be apples.
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Valkyrie died last night. She had diabetes and had been losing weight for a while. Sudden downturn yesterday and didn't wake this morning. My heart hurts for my wife.

It has really made me take a look at my girl. She is older than Val. She has been dealing with ailing health for over two years now. The days have passed when I *had* to check and see if she was still breathing multiple different times. I do wonder if I ought to let her go, if I am doing a disservice to her by keeping her here. *sigh* I don't know the answer to that question any more than I know why she sticks around. Stubborn I guess. She lives to curl up and nap in her warm spots. Its getting colder now. She doesn't deal well with the cold. I wonder each day how much longer she will be with me. My heart hurts for my wife and I know I will be in the same place soon.

It took me 5.5 years of dealing and coping and processing to get one of my best friends ever back into my life. It took 4 years to get to a solid place with the man I used to call PIC.

Working out more. Trying to get in better shape. Thinking of coloring my hair now so that it will have faded out for TeslaCon. Remembering that this is the time of year when I want to shave my head. Also remembering that I always get over this feeling and I'm always happy I don't have my head bare right before winter starts. I want to get a hair cut but really don't want to lose length before TeslaCon. Damn Victorian hairstyles...

Ministry 2.0 helping people get in touch with their inner beauty. I am going to MOA on Sunday with Shirtless' ...girlfriend? I have no idea how they define their relationship. Don't really care as their definition has little bearing on me. Still, last month she was face planting in my cleavage, like ya do, and bemoaned the fact that hers are not like mine. I told her she needed better bras. And so we are going bra shopping. How did I get hooked into going bra shopping with a metamour? Excellent question but it is a pattern for me to be really good friends with them and sometimes maintain that friendship long past the ending of the other connection. I went to Greece with Wisteria after all.

Wow, sidetracked much? I think the ministry part comes in where I enjoy helping people uncover the beauty they have but cannot see yet. It doesn't always work. There are people who are so down on themselves that all they see is flaws. It does work often enough that I am willing to continue offering it as a service because I can see the increased appreciation of self on their faces and that is a thing of beauty all on its own.

My body continues to be a challenge. I went to ceili last night and got through two dances. Cramps started immediately and didn't stop until 2am. Its interesting intellectually because they feel different than they ever have before. Much more like stabbing in my abdomen. Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

Standing up and being who I want to be for my community is important to me. Defining what my community is is necessary to this. Knowing that setting good boundaries on what, when, and how I will give what I can give without causing harm to myself is an essential tool. Needing to get past the feeling that I should be apologizing for other's splash zones. Center. Balance. Ground. Calm.

I wonder if I can go for a good long bike ride now and still do Yoga X later... think I'm gonna give it a try. *edit, or maybe I will get in my car and drive over to my dr's offices and sign a records release form*
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As per the stereotype of Wednesday as hump day there are good things and bad things and what you choose to focus on is what gets your energy.

bad: I woke for the second day in a row unable to turn my head. Debilitating pain, yes beyond my normal levels and that says something, was stabbing me in the back of the head.
-I have iced it, taken pain meds, rested, slept, honored my boundaries, and gone to see the chiro for the second time this week.
-I feel I have done all I can do for this situation at the moment thus dwelling on it does me no good.

bad: uterus is stabbing me randomly and not so randomly.
-I have done everything I am willing to do for this situation. I am not willing to completely forgo sex until after the issue is finalized(read, months if I am lucky). I have already curtailed most of that activity. Thus this is something I just have to deal with for now.

bad:My house is a wreck and shit needs to get done.
-see above for why dealing with this has not happened yet. Honoring my boundaries means I will go lay down for a nap soon.

Good: MrBee finally got back to me in a real reply kind of fashion. SQUEE. The bee season is slowing down and the kids are going back to school thus more time is available to be devoted to other things.
-people have their own schedules and lives and no matter how much you want to personalize it and beat yourself up, its really not about you.

Good: Shirtless continues to engage in fun ways with me. I enjoy talking with him and his mind is one I like. There are a couple of scratchy bits but in a no-expectation/no-stress paradigm they are not really issues.
-relax and go with the flow. Trust that you know your boundaries, that you will communicate them and they will be respected. You are worth that. *deep breath*

Good: Bad September is a local steampunk band that I got to attend the cd release for last night.
-Did realize that I don't really deal well with being on stage as I am not really a very good exhibitionist.
-made connections with other parts of the local steampunk community. Might have an outlet for that part of me without having to deal with the murder mystery group.

Good: allergy season seems to be calming down for me.

Good: I constantly have amazing people supporting me from across the globe. I know and love and am loved by so many and feel blessed.

Good: people are reaching out to me for love and support in the realms of my ministry and I can do those things in spite of being in pain and low on energy.
-your gifts are those things that can be proffered no matter the situation. You are blessed.

Good things are good. Bad things have been dealt with to the best of my ability. Nap now. Much love.
hypatia42: (pic#245179)
I feel like I need a word coined for the opposite sort of empathy feeling that compersion indicates. Everything I have seen says that compersion is all about happy and joy and I need one that is feeling sad when someone you love feels sad. It is also a strange feeling to want to talk to someone and say things like, "How on earth would you think it is a good idea to break up with my lover? Can't you tell he is truly awesome?"

cut for feminine tmi, you have been warned )

I have decided on a moniker for Berkie's manpanion. I can't really call him that myself since he isn't my manpanion. Still she is his Companion and since The Doctor has a Companion I have decided that is his name. It fits rather well and his habit of being a snappy dresser doesn't hurt things. It will be shorted to Doc for ease of typing cause I am lazy.

The body pain can go away now thx. I have been in pretty serious pain since getting home. Its like my body wants to go back to the ocean or something. *eyeroll* What am I going to do with myself? Sunday I got stung by a something at the farmer's market. Immediate pain. I didn't recognize it as venom poison pain until I found the welt 12 hours later, enough time that it had well and truly spread into my system. Still trying to deal with that one working its way out. I might ought to take another benadryl.

I feel so much better when I can get into the ocean. I know I have said this. It doesn't really help. The closest ocean is in the memory of the rocks beneath my feet. The land itself knows what it means to be water. And we circle back to the Tiffany Aching novels. I have been threatening to reread Terry Pratchett's works. Maybe now is a good time to do that. Escapism!

Go swimming more. Get out and go.

I have been riding my bike more since getting home. I think this is a good thing. The part of my brain that wanted to get in the car and drive for hours to clear my head is now accepting that maybe riding my bike would be a decent substitute since I haven't allowed myself to indulge that portion in years. I need better lights and some sort of storage system to make it a decent transport bike. I discovered yesterday that wearing anything on my back while riding causes significant pain in the neck/shoulders area. It could also be that was irritating the sting I got on Sunday...

I am going to TeslaCon. I will have fun. Mr.Bee will be there. So will his family. It remains to be seen if I will be able to get to know him, life being what it is for two adults who each run their own business and have committed lives in different cities. I am still looking forward to seeing him. Maybe I can convince him to go swimming. :)


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