hypatia42: (Default)
I joined weight watchers yesterday. Today I heard the song "Starting Over" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Made me tear up and feel better about myself all at once. One day at a time.

I remember this feeling from before. Constantly leaking energy to think about food. Forcing myself to eat enough food. Knowing that those extra calories will help me lose the weight I want to lose again. It feels weird tho. I don't generally make poor food choices. I'm just not good at remembering to eat. I don't like having to devote that much energy and thought to it.

My body is telling me to suck it up and devote that energy anyway. Be mindful of what you put into your mouth.

I'm finding that I really like the feeling I get after eating avocados. I'm mixing them into all kinds of things lately. Kinda like potato salad but ...different?

Major storm system moving through. :)

Pepper annoys me. She's a bully. She's mouthy. I don't like her. I am going to try Feliway to see if both of them will chill out a bit. I don't want to dislike one of my cats. How long does the transition stuff generally take?

last night I performed a fire ritual asking for healthy sustaining community. I need people around me who can help me meet my needs. Right now I don't have that. I don't know how to achieve it. So I released it and will see what comes back.

I dreamed of my ex the other night and wasn't troubled by the experience. Something major has shifted. Granted, my dreams have been truly bizarre lately. But it feels nice to know that fear is gone. :) I suppose it is likely that all of these things are coming together at once for a reason.

I have let go of all aspects of self doubt that I have access to
I have let go of my ability to have an inaccurate self image
I have let go of the ability to eat thoughtlessly
I welcome healthy sustaining community
hypatia42: (Default)
If there is one thing I hate more than any other it is feeling like a burden. I can't stand it. People trying to take care of me when I am perfectly capable makes me crazy. I have gone long and long stretches of time not getting my needs met because there was no one around who could do that without inconveniencing themselves. An extrovert in a community of introverts has a hard time meeting their needs.

*note to self* I might have to become more careful tracking moods. Hormones are still a factor and I need to make sure I know what is effecting me. */note*

No idea where it came from yesterday but I found myself needing to be reassured that the Honey would talk to me and work through things before just giving up on our relationship. He very kindly said that yes he would and then asked where the hell that came from. I don't have a very good answer but I think it is rooted in the burden feelings listed above. I haven't been able to do much of anything for myself lately. There is definitely a difference in self image between choosing to not to something and physically not being able to do it. Between the physical invasion evidence and the physical limitations my self image has taken a serious beating. My usual glow has been diminished. I'm being gentle with myself but I also know that the Honey is tired. I wish I could send him on a vacation. *shrug* He would likely just go to his parent's and work all weekend anyhow. <3

-The gluten sensitivity is a PITA. I'm a little afraid to test it given how bad I felt after Thanksgiving. Glad to live in a geographic area that is used to dealing with Celiac.
-Babysat Wolfpup last night and I am not physically up to throwing around a toddler yet. It ellicits stabbity feelings in my pelvic region.
-I can actually zip up my coat again which is nice. This means the nitrogen in my abdominal cavity has been absorbed into solution.
-I did lose quite a bit of muscle tone through inactivity. Working has been interesting because of this but I am taking it slow and I have a great client list.

Sitting down to have a financial conversation tonight. I think most of the bills are in now. We shall see how things turn out. I know I am knitting several Christmas presents already. I do wonder if my hands are going to stand up to the stress. :)
hypatia42: (Default)
I enjoyed myself. No really. I spread the love of whipped cream all over the con, or at least the inside of my elbows for the con goers. There was punch and pie to be had. People who don't know me well continued the trend of assuming I am intoxicated at parties. They are still wrong. My first full con working as a Seamstress with the approval of Madame Palm and the whole of the Guild. That was fun.

The reason it wasn't what I needed just now is that I need to be touched. There was touching going on. But most of the touching going on was people trolling for sexual partners for the weekend. One guy even went so far as to say, I'm not allowed to do anything with anyone who lives in the Twin Cities. *headdesk moment* If that doesn't mostly sum up the weekend I'm not sure what does. Feels a bit like, "You're no use to me because I can't have sex with you."

There was one guy I was making blush all weekend cause I could. I think he was a little afraid of me at first. If I took a step forward he would take one back. I was wondering how far he would go but decided that it would be mean to find out. Falling down the stairs being a not nice thing after all. He acted like a boy. He was 33.

I was asked to scare and "break in" another 20 year old. Turns out the guy that asked me to do this didn't know the actually 22 year old as well as he thought he did. Way more mature than the 33 year old. Not really scare-able. Had fun chatting with him though. And making him eat pie with his punch. And whipped cream. :)

I feel like my true victory of the weekend was a con-virgin brought in by another Seamstress. Approximately 24 hours did it take before he came far enough outside his fortress that he felt he could poke me in the back. We spent much time giggling and poking each other the rest of Sat night and into Sunday morning. He describes his fortress as having one small wooden door that he usually can't find the key to. I wanna send him a small skeleton key so he doesn't loose it again. He's another on the list of people I can tickle! Hehehehe.

I am definitely noticing that I am going without my needs being met for too long in between. Long slow starvation instead of absolutely nothing. Like a house plant that gets watered occasionally will loose leaves one at a time until there are none left rather than wilting all at once. I know why its happening. I've agreed to it. I've put myself in this situation. I do need to address the too long in between thing though.


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