hypatia42: (Default)
While we were gone to KC for Christmas we paid a friend to paint the interior second floor of our house. It never got completely finished from when we started ~9 years ago. All kinds of health issues were cause by that but we came home and it was done. The living room is a lovely spring-like green which the Honey will eventually get used to. The dining room is still red but it is a lighter color and not as reflective. The kitchen is a beautiful nautical dark blue, not navy. The little mudroom is a pale aqua called Tidewater. All of the trim and the soon-to-be-ex office is all an off white called Marshmallow. It looks so much brighter and more vibrant in here. I love it. I also love the fact that it is done.

Mom started the next round of chemo, Taxol this time. It has completely different side effects and things to deal with. This time it is a weekly infusion. Really not fun times. She's doing okay mentally for now. She had three weeks off in December where she got to feel more normal than she has for months. I think it helped.

I find myself in need of a sewing machine. Among other things. But there are priorities ahead of that. So I go sewing over at a friend's house on the regular.

My word for the year this year is movement. I need to get up and move more. I hurt a lot but really, moving gently and constantly will improve that. I have the capacity. My word last year was Health. The year certainly made me face some health things in myself and others that I didn't expect. I think I'm on the road to better health. Here's to moving more.

I was going to visit Vegas next weekend with friends but it got canceled a while back, then re-planned after I had made other plans. I'm going to visit friends in FL. I will see the sun. I will be surrounded by loved ones and FoC. It will be good for me. I need to figure out what all to take with me. Hooray for Silver status!!
hypatia42: (Default)
Things are moving along. One foot in front of the other until it is time for bed. Rinse repeat.

Mom had to be taken to the ER Thanksgiving morning. Sis called and yelled at me for not telling her soon enough that I have a key to the house. Bro crawled back into bed to pretend none of this had ever happened. I spent the morning sobbing into my husband's fabulously purple shirt. Non-ideal.

I made 5 stops on my trip around the city that day. The last was the most important I think. Didn't get there until 10pm. I managed to destress enough that I wasn't in huge amounts of pain on the drive home the next day.

I got my hair colored while I was in KC. It still isn't light enough for my head parts but it is better. Maybe sometime in the next couple of months I will be able to get it all the way to good. The cut is fabulous for me.

Baby D is a charmer. He will tell you, "Don't drive angry" as you are walking out the door. If you tell him that first he will say, "Peace out homies." He asks to be excused from the table, the eat at the table even! I generally enjoy his company and he is only 3.

Dinner out with friends at Westport Cafe and Bar was fantastic. French cuisine with some flare. The bartender was fabulous. Ramos gin fizz is a new experience for me. I liked it in spite of myself. Ended the night at Harry's with more friends. Good times.

Got to spend some time with Dad and his wife. Fab food as usual. Heard all about their trip to NOLA. Renewed my desire to return and see it with the eyes of an adult.
hypatia42: (Default)
Friday I started taking adderall. My friend calls them brain goggles and hereafter I will refer to them thusly. Because it amuses me to great degree.

Brain goggles were apparently what was necessary. Monday was my psych appointment and his words were to the effect of, "You have this underlying neurological condition. Any stress that comes along is going to make it more difficult to deal with that. Like having asthma and then getting a cold, we have to give you a different inhaler. Well you are going through what amounts to a nasty case of influenza." He also told me that he deals with two types of people, one that is having problems with their perceptions of situations and the other is dealing with overwhelming factual situations. He helped me feel like it was okay to be overwhelmed. I needed that. I have a lot of follow-up work to do but I am glad I am getting help.

Mom developed mouth sores. She is beyond not thrilled. I scared she is going to stop eating. Nothing I can really do about that. Adjust your own mask first and all. She goes back in for her next infusion on Thursday. It is only going to get harder. I asked Keith to help her, to share with her the fight that he showed every day before he died. This morning her journal post was more forward thinking than I have seen her in a while. I wonder if giving her projects to do would help her think less about how miserable she is...

The drama on the B* lists is drama filled. I am managing to not get embroiled in it this time around, mostly due to being completely out of fucks to give. All of my fucks are reserved for life and death things right now. I hope I can remember this Zen feeling and harness it in the future. Truly the only thing that comes from the national lists is drama. I hope to see a day where that is no longer the case.

I really need a cuddle pile. I am obviously the wrong species. I read emails from people saying please don't touch me. Don't hug me unless I clear it first. I can't help but feel sorry for them. Humans were made for contact. More and more I feel like the outlier.
hypatia42: (hugs)
Mom started chemo today. Which is actually good but is stressful.

My brother told me that he thinks about killing himself every single day, that he tried to check himself in to NKC hospital and they told him he was fine, that he is going to be homeless soon and he would rather die than be homeless.

I couldn't stay on the phone with him. Its just too much. I texted him a couple of numbers as resources. I encouraged him to find other places to ask for help.

I hung up on him after saying I loved him and goodbye. I feel terrible about it. But I cannot take any more. I had the immediate thought that Monday(and my psych appointment) was too far away.

I will do this. There is not another option. But I an perilously close to burning it all down and going to live on the beach on a tropical island.

mom update

Oct. 21st, 2015 09:54 pm
hypatia42: (Default)
the tests from Monday came back negative. There do not appear to be cancer cells that have metastasized anywhere else. The port insertion on Friday went well. They used it Monday to put the contrast in for one of her tests. It apparently hurts to use it.

She is in a lot of pain pretty constantly. The expander space holders for her reconstruction are designed to stretch muscle under the skin so that they will have a place to put the prosthetics. I hope she can get herself through this. Come to find out she stopped taking her pain meds. Luckily the nurse told her to stop that. That she had enough to deal with right now and there was no reason to add recovery pain to that. I did tell her this weeks ago but the nurse has more pull than I do.

I am going to drive down to bring her some soup this weekend. I worry about her eating habits. She is thrilled she has lost so much weight in the past year but really its because she just isn't eating much anymore. She cannot do that in chemo. She can't. So I am taking things to her. I feel like there is so little else I can do.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
mom has two different types of breast cancer. All of the lymph nodes they took out showed presence of tumor cells. Friday she gets a port put in for her coming treatments. Monday she gets PET and bone scans to find out if the cancer has spread further than they thought.

Colonoscopy showed a normal healthy colon. The biopsy results haven't come back for me yet. It seems likely that I will be sent to a gastroenterologist. I don't know yet.

Paraphrasing the Honey, "I am outside my scope of practice here. It seems to me that if you are asking whether or not you should be on medication you should probably talk to someone who can give you a professional opinion on that." I'm paraphrasing because after I said those words to him he said, "See I didn't even know how to say that in words that made sense. You have a better chance at this than I do."

Amy Kippur was lovely. Low key and chill with chosen family, good food, and entertainment. The weather cooperated and has been lovely all week so far. I wish I felt like I had turned a corner and that things were looking up. Mostly I am tired and want to sleep all the time. *see professional

What I don't know is if I need meds or I need counseling or some combination of both. So little of what I have scheduled to do for myself this year to regain spoons and start being a functioning human again has gone horribly wrong in such a way as to prevent me from getting the good I needed out of it. It is bad enough that I am not really seeing positive things right now. I can see the stress that it is putting on the Honey and I wish I could send him on a retreat all alone with no laptop or phone. I would benefit from it too but I can't help but feel like he would get more out of it if I weren't there.

I am doing what I can to forcibly lift my spirits. I am taking my supplements. I grabbed a bottle of Gaba to start on as well. I stopped drinking alcohol. I am trying to eat better for me things. Mostly I have indigestion and don't want to eat.

Love,
Me
hypatia42: (hugs)
The second memorial is done. The words have been posted elsewhere. I have a video file on my phone that I have no idea what to do with but I have it. It was beautiful. It was well attended. It was everything it needed to be. I sang. I didn't suck at it.

The sound system was ... problematic so I sang unaccompanied and unmic'd. I didn't suck at it. I missed his voice harmonizing with mine. I'm a soprano y'know so I'm always the one with the melody. I don't know how to harmonize. I will miss him.

He taught me that some people deserve another chance after they have had their three. He taught me that even unpleasant experiences are worth something. He taught me that lavishing love on others is wonderful. He taught me that taking care of my health is REALLY important.

After it was all over I broke down and sobbed. Like scary sobbing in the foyer. Someone asked where the Honey was and I just couldn't hold it together any longer. He was over the Atlantic on his way to Paris for the week. My 'mada came up to help me hold it together for a few days and then she has to head home.

I'm tired. I leave Monday to drive to KC to take care of Mom for two weeks. Michael flies to Denver that day. He is then traveling directly to KC to help out as well. I think I am going to continue to be tired for a while.

prognosis

Aug. 18th, 2015 11:14 pm
hypatia42: (roses)
Sad but true cause. My mom probably has breast cancer because she has been on estrogen and progesterone replacement therapy for a long time. *side thought on how many trans people on HRT have health issues because of it?*

Hers is an estrogen dependent kind which means she has to be on estrogen inhibitors for at least the next 5 years. Prognosis for this type of breast cancer is very good. It is slow moving and the incidence of recurrence is minimal.

Sometime today or tomorrow she will be having a bunch of diagnostics to see of there is lymph system involvement which apparently is the deciding factor for chemo. Radiation will be utilized for killing off any remaining cells post surgical removal. The imaging tests this week will let the surgeon know how much needs to be removed. As of the last imaging the masses were a half inch and and inch in size.

My non-medical look at that would be that they shouldn't have to do a double mastectomy though that is what she is mentally preparing herself to hear.

In other news, some doctor told her at some point that she shouldn't get tattoos because it will scar and look terrible. I feel about that near the same as I do about allopathic doctors telling people that they should never go to a chiropractor. FUCK THAT! My old medical doctor told me, "professionally I'm not supposed to approve of these but personally this is very good work." I think if she went to someone who was good at that sort of work she wouldn't have problems. All of her kids have tattoos now. NBD

Her oncologist told her that she will have scars. She told that doctor that scars don't scare her. She has been living with them her whole life. I wish my mom could go volunteer with one of those camps supporting kids who have scars. I know they exist.

Find you fight mom. You got this.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
10 hours after getting home from [personal profile] onyxtwilight's grand sending off like a king of old my mom texted me to let me know that she has cancerous masses in both breasts. Nope. No more adulting was done that day.

I have very little information. My mom is rather intelligent about many things but she is not very educated about medical things. I hope she is able to take people with her to appointments who can translate over the next few weeks.

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