hypatia42: (Default)
Valkyrie died last night. She had diabetes and had been losing weight for a while. Sudden downturn yesterday and didn't wake this morning. My heart hurts for my wife.

It has really made me take a look at my girl. She is older than Val. She has been dealing with ailing health for over two years now. The days have passed when I *had* to check and see if she was still breathing multiple different times. I do wonder if I ought to let her go, if I am doing a disservice to her by keeping her here. *sigh* I don't know the answer to that question any more than I know why she sticks around. Stubborn I guess. She lives to curl up and nap in her warm spots. Its getting colder now. She doesn't deal well with the cold. I wonder each day how much longer she will be with me. My heart hurts for my wife and I know I will be in the same place soon.

It took me 5.5 years of dealing and coping and processing to get one of my best friends ever back into my life. It took 4 years to get to a solid place with the man I used to call PIC.

Working out more. Trying to get in better shape. Thinking of coloring my hair now so that it will have faded out for TeslaCon. Remembering that this is the time of year when I want to shave my head. Also remembering that I always get over this feeling and I'm always happy I don't have my head bare right before winter starts. I want to get a hair cut but really don't want to lose length before TeslaCon. Damn Victorian hairstyles...

Ministry 2.0 helping people get in touch with their inner beauty. I am going to MOA on Sunday with Shirtless' ...girlfriend? I have no idea how they define their relationship. Don't really care as their definition has little bearing on me. Still, last month she was face planting in my cleavage, like ya do, and bemoaned the fact that hers are not like mine. I told her she needed better bras. And so we are going bra shopping. How did I get hooked into going bra shopping with a metamour? Excellent question but it is a pattern for me to be really good friends with them and sometimes maintain that friendship long past the ending of the other connection. I went to Greece with Wisteria after all.

Wow, sidetracked much? I think the ministry part comes in where I enjoy helping people uncover the beauty they have but cannot see yet. It doesn't always work. There are people who are so down on themselves that all they see is flaws. It does work often enough that I am willing to continue offering it as a service because I can see the increased appreciation of self on their faces and that is a thing of beauty all on its own.

My body continues to be a challenge. I went to ceili last night and got through two dances. Cramps started immediately and didn't stop until 2am. Its interesting intellectually because they feel different than they ever have before. Much more like stabbing in my abdomen. Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

Standing up and being who I want to be for my community is important to me. Defining what my community is is necessary to this. Knowing that setting good boundaries on what, when, and how I will give what I can give without causing harm to myself is an essential tool. Needing to get past the feeling that I should be apologizing for other's splash zones. Center. Balance. Ground. Calm.

I wonder if I can go for a good long bike ride now and still do Yoga X later... think I'm gonna give it a try. *edit, or maybe I will get in my car and drive over to my dr's offices and sign a records release form*
hypatia42: (Default)
As per the stereotype of Wednesday as hump day there are good things and bad things and what you choose to focus on is what gets your energy.

bad: I woke for the second day in a row unable to turn my head. Debilitating pain, yes beyond my normal levels and that says something, was stabbing me in the back of the head.
-I have iced it, taken pain meds, rested, slept, honored my boundaries, and gone to see the chiro for the second time this week.
-I feel I have done all I can do for this situation at the moment thus dwelling on it does me no good.

bad: uterus is stabbing me randomly and not so randomly.
-I have done everything I am willing to do for this situation. I am not willing to completely forgo sex until after the issue is finalized(read, months if I am lucky). I have already curtailed most of that activity. Thus this is something I just have to deal with for now.

bad:My house is a wreck and shit needs to get done.
-see above for why dealing with this has not happened yet. Honoring my boundaries means I will go lay down for a nap soon.

Good: MrBee finally got back to me in a real reply kind of fashion. SQUEE. The bee season is slowing down and the kids are going back to school thus more time is available to be devoted to other things.
-people have their own schedules and lives and no matter how much you want to personalize it and beat yourself up, its really not about you.

Good: Shirtless continues to engage in fun ways with me. I enjoy talking with him and his mind is one I like. There are a couple of scratchy bits but in a no-expectation/no-stress paradigm they are not really issues.
-relax and go with the flow. Trust that you know your boundaries, that you will communicate them and they will be respected. You are worth that. *deep breath*

Good: Bad September is a local steampunk band that I got to attend the cd release for last night.
-Did realize that I don't really deal well with being on stage as I am not really a very good exhibitionist.
-made connections with other parts of the local steampunk community. Might have an outlet for that part of me without having to deal with the murder mystery group.

Good: allergy season seems to be calming down for me.

Good: I constantly have amazing people supporting me from across the globe. I know and love and am loved by so many and feel blessed.

Good: people are reaching out to me for love and support in the realms of my ministry and I can do those things in spite of being in pain and low on energy.
-your gifts are those things that can be proffered no matter the situation. You are blessed.

Good things are good. Bad things have been dealt with to the best of my ability. Nap now. Much love.
hypatia42: (Default)
Tom Cat is gone. Left for home after looking at the weather forecast for tomorrow, the intended leave date. I remember doing things like that but I just don't care about the weather anymore. So long as I have gas and my clothes are appropriate I will go out anyway.

Victor's for breakfast before he left. It was great as usual.

Good food, good wine, and good company was had the entire week. I learned a lot about myself and about the road ahead of me. We played Zelda. We astonished him with our lack of possessiveness. I was confused about the need to have a game to be able to be playful. I was accused of being difficult and complicated. I rightly reminded that this is not news to anyone.

cut for unexpected length and general rambliness )

More holiday shopping needs to happen. Holiday cards need to be finished off and sent out. Need to decide if we are going to put our pic in it this year.

LMFAO reminds me of Dance Band...dunno how I feel about that.

This has gotten way longer than I expected it to be. I told [profile] amandajayne98 that I needed to journal. This isn't even what I was talking about.

Taking a page from Cindy I give you DUF(daily useless fact): Tort is a wrongful act, torte is a cake or tart. This message brought to you by my need to figure out how to properly pluralize the cake. How many restaurants have you seen that used the wrong spelling?
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I gave a man a cup of hot tea tonight. It was an act of pure love. I was struck that sometimes the most simple things are the most profound when offered at the right time.

This man is the owner of the building that my office is in. He's been working crazy hours trying to get the building ready for inspection in addition to all the other responsibilities he has to handle. It was 10pm and I was done for the evening. I heard the Monday Night Football playing upstairs of the radio. I knew I was the last one on the bottom floor so I went to make sure there was someone up there and to see if I should lock the front door. It was he. Tired yet smiling as he often is. We took a minute to catch up.

He sounded a bit hoarse so I said, "It sounds like you could use some hot tea."
"Hot tea and a bed but I don't think I'm getting either anytime soon."
"Well, I can't get you a bed but I can get you hot tea."

We keep a water cooler in our office that has a hot water spigot. We also keep a selection of caffeine free teas. I was able to put a fruity herbal tea in the hands of a man who had breathed too much dry wall dust and had worked far too long with more to go. Soothe his throat and salve the soul.

He's been working hard. I hope he gets some rest soon.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
We continue our journey. Making space involves being really present for people. Being open to that has many layers. Be present to self, know self, acknowledge limits and abilities, communicate these honestly and be up front about how they effect other things. Being present to others and being open at the same time communicates itself to those that need the space held for them. I have been listening my whole life. I rarely ask people to talk to me, people come up to me and start opening up the most difficult parts of themselves because they have a need and something about me makes them feel safe enough to examine it.

I'm not really sure what it is about me that helps people do this for themselves. I know I'm not doing it for them. I haven't decided that it is something that I need to know. Sometimes it is enough to know that it is good for others and does me no harm.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have said the words for along time that I make space for change. This allows that I am not the person doing the changing. I am not making anything happen, simply holding a safe place for change that needs to happen to happen. I do this in my home, in my work, and in my life both mundane and spiritual.

Today I was struck that sometimes it means people needs help right now with something critical and "can you come support me in this change that needs to happen?" I got a call from W saying that the kids and she all needed a haircut asap. So I did. I thought back over the last 7 years of living here and remembered all the other times when this exact thing has happened to me. I get a call saying, "I need my hair cut." Sometimes it is practical and they lack the funds to pay someone to do it, sometimes they don't want to go to someone they don't know, sometimes it is a spiritual cutting away, sometimes it is fixing what someone else messed up.

I think about the amount of trust that people are putting in my hands. Lemme tell you there is not one single person in my community I would trust with scissors to cut my hair. Might say something about me ;)


hypatia42: (Default)

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