hypatia42: (Default)
I posted a meme because I need a pick up every now and again just like anybody.

"Stolen from many, bc why not?

Let's build each other up today!! Put this on your status to see what people love about you. <3
I love your __________."

-Glitter, but especially your hugs
-Aura. You have a presence around you that is awesome.
-Boldness (this from someone who met me at FG. I need to remember that I make an impression)
-Your energy, your heart, your smile. <3 (this from Doc because of course it is)
-Twinkling eyes
-Your radiance/inner glow. (waves to [personal profile] evilbunny)
-Your heart. (H/t [personal profile] welshbard)
-Your priestessing skill, your affinity for glitter, and your wildness.
-Smile and candor. (love from Devon. I have benefited from her candor at times too)
-I love your fearlessness. (people really see me this way??)
-The fact that you are a brigadier general of the Auntie Brigade. ([profile] gwisteria I love you)
-Fearlessness ( I guess they do...)
-Photographic eye ( unexpected but insightful from [personal profile] sabrinamari
-Your willingness and excitement to learn. Your laugh. Your love of family and tribe.
-Fairy heart...fierce and free
-How you exude love
-Your love of loving

Two stood out with comments:
[personal profile] apocalypticbob said,
-Warm glow. Walking around with you is like following a dancing ember
--Can I change my answer to this? Because wow, nailed it. (doc)
--Dang. Yes. [personal profile] triadruid
--*blush* me

[personal profile] berkie said,
-I love your love. How all encompassing and warm and compassionate your love is. How it makes people see the the best in themselves and in turn make them want to be better, more. Your love is magic.
--I love you. More than words. Thank you for being in my life. me

Your love is Magic. *deep breath*

self care

Nov. 15th, 2015 12:33 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm taking my meds. The drapes are open for the sunny day. I have fed myself. The meds are helping me be in a place to notice that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Minor fail in remembering to scoop cat litter but that is still there to be done. I am dressed and generally looking forward to the day.

I am grateful that I have the brain space now to be able to do these things for myself. Taking care of myself is an act of love I give to others. I take care of me to the best of my ability in part because you love me and trust me to do it. I also take care of me for myself because I am worth it.


Jan. 5th, 2014 04:14 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Thus begins my week without home support. I have something planned every day. I have movies to watch and a library of books, most of which I have read but keep because I will read them again. It is frighteningly cold but I have food to last me the week and the walks are clear for when I need to get out. Its not supposed to snow, nor get above zero I think.

We were cuddling earlier and I mentioned that it was very hard to get him to slow down long enough to actually cuddle with me. He got to to get something, slipped on the starch he had sprayed earlier and spent then next 30-45 min mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen. All so I wouldn't slip and to make it easier for me while he is gone this week. Ideally I could have said, "let me do that after you leave. I would like to spend this time with you." I can't do it myself though. And because he would be terrified I would slip and fall and not be able to get help because he will be in Paris he mopped the floor.

Because he will be gone I will do my very best to remember to eat, to turn up the thermostat when I'm cold, to take my allergy meds, and to feed the cats(physically more difficult that it usually is). I will do this because he worries and because he loves me. I don't want him to worry. I will probably forget to do all of these things at some point this week. He knows this. He trusts me to take care of myself to my best ability though.

Bean tenant is going to be out of town as well. Alone in the house until Wed. Its a very big house to be all alone in. Glad the Spice Girls are here with me.

Continued prayers and energy are welcome. My next ortho appt is tomorrow at 3:45. ~~~ Healthy rapid healing. ~~~
hypatia42: (roses)
Let's only date grown-ups.
Here is what is mine, there is what is yours.
This is what I would like, and this is what I will give.
This is what I won't, can't, don't give.
Where is your beginning and what is your end?
Love is not give and take, love is give and give.
I give, and you give, and we draw lines in ourselves where we stop.
I draw a line here, do you see it?
It's the place just before it hurts me to give,
because I know, if you love me, if you love the way I do, this is where you would beg me to stop.
And if you don't, if you wouldn't, you are worth nothing further.

by Maxine Green
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I love when I can tell things have shifted from the old paradigm because my dreams rewrite history. That thing that went so badly? You did it right this time. You took care of yourself, you stood up for your needs, you moved on when you should have. Makes me feel like I will get it right next time.

Trying something new. Maybe sparky fire isn't what I want to be dealing with right now. I mean, instant chemistry is all well and good but it can burn you up. Mebbe a nice electric blanket will ward off the chill for a while.

Mom, I keep feeling like there are so many of my loved ones that are in crisis and there is nothing I can do. I know there is nothing I can do but I'm not good at feeling helpless. SO, I'm giving this to you. I can't keep holding on to it and living my life. I hope you can do something good with it.
hypatia42: (Default)
I hurt. Kind of a lot. Kind of often.

A lot of my needs go unmet. Kind of frequently.

My people are spread all over the world and I rarely get to see them.

I know I could look at my life and be unaccountably depressed but I don't. I love my life. I have the ability to stop and take care of myself when I need to, if my needs go unmet at least I know what they are and how to get them met when that is possible, and I have people *all over* the world. I am truly blessed.

Welcome to heaven. Population; me and whoever chooses to join me.


Sep. 14th, 2011 12:02 am
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
It feels profound and I feel the need to document it so I will remember saying it,

"I cannot promise you I will not break your heart. I can promise you that your heart will be broken."

If you beat yourself up enough times with your practice poi you will eventually get good enough that you can light it on fire and not get burned too often. Only arrogance thinks never is possible.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
My 10th anniversary is today. 10 years married, 16 years together. I'm putting down my phone and walking away from everything else until tomorrow. Something tells me the world will cope without me for 12 hours.

Bridhe told me to put out strawberries and honey on my wedding day. I didn't know then why. "That would be telling," she said. After some work I discovered the hands that have been molding my life from the beginning. Aphrodite is more important to me than words can express. I was asked once why I called to her and the only answer I can come up with is that I don't, she calls me. She is in my life like my breath. There is no denying her.

10 years ago on a hot and sunny spring day in a beautiful rose garden I married my best friend in the presence of family and more friends. It wasn't a perfect day. It was perfect for us though. We made it through our own rite of passage. We promised to love each other and never hold the other back. We continue to take our own paths through life, wildly differing directions from one another, always managing to end up in the same place with the same solution. We aren't really romantic but we have true love.

People ask me how to find love. How to keep love. How howhow... Love is not a limiting thing. The more you love the more you can love. You want love to come into your life, start loving. Start with yourself and truly love yourself and then start truly loving others. The more you have, the more you get. It really does work. Give it a try.
hypatia42: (roses)
I have the best husband evar. I know. I say I have the best girl evar so how can I possibly also have the best husband evar? What am I, greedy?

Not greedy. Communicative. I had a bad night Monday. I wrote earlier about how he's been gone so much lately. I asked him if he would buy me flowers this weekend. Fresh flowers often make my world better while they are here. He asked what kind, in his puzzled way cause he doesn't really get the whole flower thing. But he's the best evar cause he knows I do and that is what matters. So when I told him that I wanted daffodils or tulips or something...colorful, springy, he went online and had them shipped to the house before he even got home.

I figured we'd go over to Trader Joe's or something and grab the little bouquet for 3 bucks. 30 beautiful tulips later I was crying.

I really do ask for what I need. It doesn't decrease it in value for me at all that I've asked.


Feb. 10th, 2011 11:45 pm
hypatia42: (Default)
"I look like an effin sunrise. This so rocks"
"I love you so much."
"You love me so much huh?"
"You, with the 'sunrise' hair in the dark-ish of winter."
"Sumthin has to bring the dawn of the year right?"
"Yes. Which is why I love you so much."
hypatia42: (Default)
"Upon this a question arises: whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with."

I think it is actually possible to be both. One of my kids recently said to their mom that I am too scary to be mad at. Niece recently called me the coolest aunt ever and in the same thought essentially said I am a hard ass (my interpretation of her words). I had just looked at her younger brother and he stopped doing what he shouldn't have been doing. Kids all over fear me. Kids all over know that they can come to me if they need Anything. They fear me because I don't bend on limits that I set. They love me for the same reason. I wish adults were as easy.
hypatia42: (roses)
Loving and allowing yourself to be loved without expectation, simply accepting is a very powerfully affirming experience. For me, you do not need to be anything more or less than the remarkably beautiful and talented self that you are. I don't need you to be anything. I don't need anything from you. I allow that you are you and that is enough for me.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I was sitting in my living room watching TV, the Honey curled up on the couch head in my lap. He does this. He gets tired and is happy to sleep on me rather than go to bed. He keeps me warm and makes me feel like I'm not waiting up alone. Its a decent arrangement, especially since he can actually sleep like that. It would never work for me.

That's pretty much our relationship. Both of us accepting the differences we have and being willing to work with what the other prefers. Its pretty cool.

I was musing earlier on independence and depression and how I feel like I've lost one and gained the other. Much with the not liking how my brain was wandering down this path we both arrived at the same solution at the same time. Though likely we took different paths to get there. Start doing things I can do. So I'll be getting the paint buckets and brushes out and continuing work on the trim since I can't put up curtains.

I looked over to the corner of our living room behind where all the curtain stuff is. I have my broom and both of our staves stored there in the corner. Its funny to look at the two of them. Mine is cedar, who knows what his is(knowing him he picked up a piece of oak). *goes to look*

Upon further examination it looks much more like cherry. The horizontal lenticels are a dead give away. Y'see, his still has the bark and lichen on it. I'm not sure how it was cut off but he found it on a camping trip. He picked it up and was using it as a walking staff while he was out in the woods. Mud and what not still ground into the ends. Apparently liked it enough that it needed to come home with him. Its a rescue staff.

Mine is stripped of bark. Smoothed to a satin soft finish. I decided not to wax or seal it because nothing feels like this wood does. There is just something about the blond wood and the soft feel that is so comforting to me, I even like cuddling it. It tapers to a fine point where it touches the ground. Yeah, its been outside, it knows dirt. But it isn't dirty. Looking at it you might mistake it for being fragile. You'd be wrong. It is remarkably resilient and bouncy. I harvested it from a tree that was set to be destroyed on the campus of my college. They decided it didn't need to be there anymore so they tore it out of the ground. I took it and stripped the branches, then the bark and finished it down all the way to wet-dry sandpaper, grit somewhere in the thousands. I did it all. It is also a rescue staff.

I was struck at how much our staves are like us. The Honey is pretty rough and rugged most of the time. He cleans up decent but he's always solid. I'm more visually deceiving I guess. Call it elegant instead of fragile. :) Still resilient and bouncy. And strong. We both are strong. It just manifests in different ways. We both arrive at the same place from different directions.

This is a better description for how we work than I have ever come up with. So many people don't get it. I've been asked countless times how we get along, we're so different, how do we make it work? We always seem to arrive at the same place no matter what direction we take to get there.
hypatia42: (Default)
1. partnership - a cooperative relationship between people or groups who agree to share responsibility for achieving some specific goal; "effective language learning is a partnership between school, teacher and student"; "the action teams worked in partnership with the government"
2. partnership - a contract between two or more persons who agree to pool talent and money and share profits or losses

Pool talent. Share profits and losses. Says all I can and more. I have multiple partners. Different areas of life. My soul seeks and creates partnerships with people. It is hard. I cannot imagine walking away from a disagreement no matter how draining it is to me because I feel I have a responsibility to the partnership to share the responsibility for achieving the goal of clear communication. Some aspects of partnership are easier with one person or another. It balances out overall though.

Needs are needs. Not to be negotiated. If you tell me that you have a need I will do my best to accommodate that. You need it. Partnerships take into account that everyone has different needs. Respecting that means that sometimes needs will go unmet. Being responsible to that means that sometimes I will put my partner's needs above my own and they will occasionally be required to do the same. The sharing in the profits is what makes it easier to share in the losses. Sharing in the losses makes them all easier to bear.

One healthy partnership I have has lasted long enough that it is reflexive. We just know. I looked at the Honey the other day and said, "If you ever treat me that way in X situation I will leave you." He looked back at me clear eyed and said, "I'd expect you to. I'd deserve it." We have intertwined ourselves in our partnership such that the knowing is doing and no matter the difficulty we face it together as a team. Sometimes that means I know I need to leave him be and do it himself because I'd just be a distraction but if I need to help he'll let me.

So many people I know are in grief processes right now. Fathers and mothers and lovers and sons and daughters, sisters and brothers and people who you are too close to to let go. But there are babies too. And overwhelming happinesses that bring one to tears because it is too much to bear inside and it has to come out. Profits and losses. One magnified by the sharing, one eased by the sharing.

So many people out there I would like to reach out and hold and touch and share with. Not everyone is like me. I live my life as a cooperative effort.

"And if I shed a tear I won't cage it, I won't fear love"


hypatia42: (Default)

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