hypatia42: (Default)
Its mid-September and I feel like I missed most of summer. Part of that is the Honey broke and dislocated his wrist playing baseball necessitating 2 surgeries. When he does something he shoots for the best. I'm just glad the best was on call at that hospital that night. Not in the plan.

I feel like I was so busy that I can't remember most of it. This is unsatisfactory.

Started a nutritional shake program today. Hoping that having liquid food will help the rest of my systems to calm down.

My allergy testing was, thus far, not helpful. Blood tests from the allergist has me lower than she wants me to be for Vit D.

Saw a rheumatologist and he was sympathetic, unlike the last one years ago, but mostly didn't have any news that would help me. Blood tests from the Rheum haven't come back yet. Mebbe next week. He agreed that I have some sort of connective tissue thing going on and that I do have some hypermobility but its "not extreme" which pretty much means its not treatable. In the mean time I still can't carry anything without pulling my shoulders and back outta whack and I have no path forward to answers.

I guess I am feeling defeated and that is a really hard place to start winter at. I think I am hoping that the shakes will help underlying things become less problematic.
hypatia42: (hugs)
Gods I wish it was a joke but I came down with the flu on the 1st. *aside* Why do we call it "the flu" but only "influenza"? */aside* I haven't been this sick in a really long time. Possibly the summer I had H1N1 twice with a fever of 105. That has been a while tho. The Urgent Care doc really wanted to send me to the ER, cause asthma and the flu do not play nice, but I didn't quote meet the thresholds that would make him insist so he told me what to watch for and I got to save several thousands of dollars.

The Honey is in Denver this week. Left while I was still in Urgent Care. From the airport he sent a Bite Squad order in for the place I like their egg drop soup. It arrived at my door, my tenant went out to sign for it. He then brought it up and ran so as to avoid Teh Germs. I am taken care of. Right now I am mostly sleeping.

If the recovery time that others I know who have gone through this is indicative of what I have, I will be down for about a week. I am hoping that getting Tamiflu by going in immediately instead of waiting will decrease that some. Better living thru modern chemistry!

I look like death warmed over and I sound like I am trying to breathe thru glasspacks. My weekend could have gone better. How are you?
hypatia42: (Default)
Woke up this morning and couldn't turn my head. Something on the left side of my neck and shoulder is stuck. If I have perfect posture, see Pilates, I'm fine. Can't use my left arm but y'know, "fine." I have not done anything in days that would cause muscle tension. Had public new moon ritual last night and had T-student come over to carry things up and down the stairs. I did nothing save carry and hold a vase of flowers. Left side is not my usual "problem side."
hypatia42: (Default)
Michael leaves for Paris in a little over 2 hours. He is only gone for a week this time but I am feeling depleted and down at the outset. I'm not looking forward to this week you might say. I had hoped that I would be able to go visit someone else for a part of this week but work schedules being what they are didn't match up well enough to make that happen. One step at a time, one day at a time.

The original plan for Michael to be gone the first two weeks in October and I was to fly to Dublin to visit friends. He would have met us for a long weekend and then gone on to London. We decided that wasn't wise if we truly want to go to Costa Rica next spring for his 40th. His trip got moved and shortened which is good. But, the decision to not have me go with for this trip is leaving me feeling lost and without connection.

In true ADD style I lost two of the scripts for my ADD meds. These are the kind that CANNOT be replaced if you lose them so I'm scraping by until December. A different system must be devised if I am going to continue to be on meds that are restricted from electronic transfer in the future.

It has been a rather gray fall so far. I can't say I am thrilled about where my brain is at. I don't know what to think or how to manage this right now. I keep wanting a hammock in a sauna with a sun lamp. I don't have one of those handy. I recognize that is some people's version of hell but I'm me and it is what I want. Cuddles and pets would not go amiss.
hypatia42: (Default)
Looking like residual yeast is a big culprit in my stomach/intestines issue. Today we went down to our favorite orchard to support small business. Several years ago they started a cidery because it makes more money over more months than a pick-your-own apple orchard. I had small amounts of everything they had available this afternoon. An hour later I had a bloated midsection and stomach pain that transitioned in to intestinal pain.

Not sure what this means going forward. Do I avoid anything made with yeast? I don't remember having issues with bread in the past. Though its been a while since I ate bread with any consistency, gluten or no.

I feel pretty confident saying this isn't all of it. But having a clear, "this right here makes the Sx worse," is a little freeing. Gives me a choice in the matter. I like that.
hypatia42: (Default)
Its an okay tired though. I'm not broken or in a lot of pain. I'm just tired. I have worked a lot today. I have been to conventions three weekends in a row now. I have done a lot of personal, spiritual, and heart connection work. In addition I have continued to take care of my retail job and my personal business.

My time is valuable. I treat myself with care, recognizing the things that will push me beyond my spoon count and choosing deliberately if that is what I want to do. I am getting out and moving more as is my goal this year. I am managing to increase my activity levels without damaging myself which means actual increase in strength and stamina. All good things.

Still tired. Bed for the Amy.
hypatia42: (Default)
Just chatted with PIC for a bit. He had to cut short our scheduled time because of a work meeting but it was still good to hear from him. We are planning a trip together early next year so talking about options is fun. He is dealing with some health issues and his mom recently got diagnosed with lymphoma so we talk about a lot of health things.

It is good to just talk about stuff sometimes. Actively work at keeping up with a person's life rather than trusting that they are following along on facebook. I don't post much of substance there these days. Its okay. I watch funny videos and see pictures and oh look, cats. It is a thing that I am not willing to give up for very valid reasons but it isn't doing for me what it used to.

I'm going to Sacred Space this coming weekend. I am taking Keith's ring and his Hecate key with me. I will get to see what the people who have custody of the images I took did with them. Death and body prep is an emotionally charged process. I took pictures. There is a part of being on the other side of a camera that is distancing. I think I am going to cry a lot seeing the presentation. Even though I was there.

Much work has been done over the past 9 months to get me to a healthier place. I am looking at the coming weekend as the culmination of this work. I will walk in with as few preconceived notions about what that work will look like as I am capable of. It is important to me to let go and trust the process. I'm actually looking forward to it.
hypatia42: (Default)
While we were gone to KC for Christmas we paid a friend to paint the interior second floor of our house. It never got completely finished from when we started ~9 years ago. All kinds of health issues were cause by that but we came home and it was done. The living room is a lovely spring-like green which the Honey will eventually get used to. The dining room is still red but it is a lighter color and not as reflective. The kitchen is a beautiful nautical dark blue, not navy. The little mudroom is a pale aqua called Tidewater. All of the trim and the soon-to-be-ex office is all an off white called Marshmallow. It looks so much brighter and more vibrant in here. I love it. I also love the fact that it is done.

Mom started the next round of chemo, Taxol this time. It has completely different side effects and things to deal with. This time it is a weekly infusion. Really not fun times. She's doing okay mentally for now. She had three weeks off in December where she got to feel more normal than she has for months. I think it helped.

I find myself in need of a sewing machine. Among other things. But there are priorities ahead of that. So I go sewing over at a friend's house on the regular.

My word for the year this year is movement. I need to get up and move more. I hurt a lot but really, moving gently and constantly will improve that. I have the capacity. My word last year was Health. The year certainly made me face some health things in myself and others that I didn't expect. I think I'm on the road to better health. Here's to moving more.

I was going to visit Vegas next weekend with friends but it got canceled a while back, then re-planned after I had made other plans. I'm going to visit friends in FL. I will see the sun. I will be surrounded by loved ones and FoC. It will be good for me. I need to figure out what all to take with me. Hooray for Silver status!!
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I had a difficult childhood for several reasons. A major contributing factor was diagnosed when I was in middle school, ADD. I was on meds at the time but pretty much everyone I talk to says that the meds available at the time were pretty awful. I chose to go off of them and proceeded to self medicate with caffeine for the next 25 years. Some serious drawbacks to using that as my method of coping. Anxiety is one.

Fast forward to yesterday. I go in for my first session with the Dr who is going to be doing the testing required to medicate for ADD at this point. I had a bunch of paperwork to fill out before arriving. I cried a lot filling it out. In spite of being on Adderall for 6ish weeks now I am still struggling. Looking at the questions I felt so fucked up, trying to make myself answer them all was a fight. Honestly I was terrified that she was going to take one look at everything and tell me that I needed to get over it, that there was nothing wrong with me.

She asked me what brought me back to getting meds and thus her for testing. I started explaining my year and how utterly beyond my ability to cope I am, that the counselor at my PCs office had suggested I try treating the ADD again to give myself the leg up to start dealing with the other things. I told her that no one had ever explained to me before what ADD was and how it functioned in my brain. Dave the counselor asked me at my first visit what strategies I use to help trigger my frontal cortex and I was totally confused. In the weeks that followed I realized that I already do a lot of the things that he suggested to help me manage things.

She asked me what I do. After telling her she smiled and said it is always fun to see what ADD adults do to manage and thrive in our society. Apparently there are more than a few who go into business for themselves. Retail is another one that is common. I do both. She began talking about the other physical issues I have, fibro and hypermobility, and how they can contribute to my ADD being more difficult to manage. She also brought up that the more stress I am under the less I am going to be able to cope because it takes so much more energy for me to just function through a day to day schedule than I does most people.

"I want you to know that you are not broken. You are different. You process things differently. There is nothing wrong with you." After the childhood I had, it is REALLY hard to believe it when someone says things like that. But this is her profession, the medical community knows so much more than they used to about atypical brain function, and I believe her. Another weight was taken off my chest, similar to the one that lifted when Dave said that I was dealing with concrete overwhelming situations.

There is nothing wrong with me. I already do a lot of the things that make it easier for my atypical brain to function in this society. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff, being overwhelmed is okay. So is getting help.

I need to time my taking Adderall better so I can still take my supplements, which need to be taken on an empty stomach.

Today I feel hope.
hypatia42: (Default)
Shit keeps getting done despite the dreary gray weather we are having. I am taking this as a good sign. Need to remember to feed myself and water myself more often. Completely off of caffeine for the first time in a long time. Obviously something is working.

self care

Nov. 15th, 2015 12:33 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm taking my meds. The drapes are open for the sunny day. I have fed myself. The meds are helping me be in a place to notice that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. Minor fail in remembering to scoop cat litter but that is still there to be done. I am dressed and generally looking forward to the day.

I am grateful that I have the brain space now to be able to do these things for myself. Taking care of myself is an act of love I give to others. I take care of me to the best of my ability in part because you love me and trust me to do it. I also take care of me for myself because I am worth it.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have a degree in plants. I have plants in my house that I have been caring for since college. They continue to survive.

I seriously considered stopping watering them because I just didn't have the desire to take care of anything any longer much less something that depended on me to survive.

I think when I recognized that was when I knew I needed help.

My plants are going to be fine.
hypatia42: (Default)
Friday I started taking adderall. My friend calls them brain goggles and hereafter I will refer to them thusly. Because it amuses me to great degree.

Brain goggles were apparently what was necessary. Monday was my psych appointment and his words were to the effect of, "You have this underlying neurological condition. Any stress that comes along is going to make it more difficult to deal with that. Like having asthma and then getting a cold, we have to give you a different inhaler. Well you are going through what amounts to a nasty case of influenza." He also told me that he deals with two types of people, one that is having problems with their perceptions of situations and the other is dealing with overwhelming factual situations. He helped me feel like it was okay to be overwhelmed. I needed that. I have a lot of follow-up work to do but I am glad I am getting help.

Mom developed mouth sores. She is beyond not thrilled. I scared she is going to stop eating. Nothing I can really do about that. Adjust your own mask first and all. She goes back in for her next infusion on Thursday. It is only going to get harder. I asked Keith to help her, to share with her the fight that he showed every day before he died. This morning her journal post was more forward thinking than I have seen her in a while. I wonder if giving her projects to do would help her think less about how miserable she is...

The drama on the B* lists is drama filled. I am managing to not get embroiled in it this time around, mostly due to being completely out of fucks to give. All of my fucks are reserved for life and death things right now. I hope I can remember this Zen feeling and harness it in the future. Truly the only thing that comes from the national lists is drama. I hope to see a day where that is no longer the case.

I really need a cuddle pile. I am obviously the wrong species. I read emails from people saying please don't touch me. Don't hug me unless I clear it first. I can't help but feel sorry for them. Humans were made for contact. More and more I feel like the outlier.
hypatia42: (hugs)
Mom started chemo today. Which is actually good but is stressful.

My brother told me that he thinks about killing himself every single day, that he tried to check himself in to NKC hospital and they told him he was fine, that he is going to be homeless soon and he would rather die than be homeless.

I couldn't stay on the phone with him. Its just too much. I texted him a couple of numbers as resources. I encouraged him to find other places to ask for help.

I hung up on him after saying I loved him and goodbye. I feel terrible about it. But I cannot take any more. I had the immediate thought that Monday(and my psych appointment) was too far away.

I will do this. There is not another option. But I an perilously close to burning it all down and going to live on the beach on a tropical island.
hypatia42: (Default)
I told mom weeks ago that she needed to keep taking her pain meds and keep ahead of the pain so her body could heal.

Sometime after that I was watching tv when the idea of "making friends with the devil" came up regarding a character's loss and subsequent emotional turmoil. The idea was to embrace the discomfort instead of running from it and avoiding it.

I thought that was a really keen idea and for about 30 minutes had myself convinced that going in to get medicated would only prevent me from dealing with the things I was going through. In conversation with the Honey he said that the very fact that I was asking the question if I needed meds meant I should at least see someone to find out.

Today I connected those two and wanted to kick myself. There is a point where too much is just too much and you can't actually deal with it or make friends. All you can do is drown as wave after wave hits you trying to drag you down.

I can honestly say that I am still swimming but I can't seem to get my feet under me and the waves keep coming. I know I am a good swimmer but I will get tired eventually.

There is nothing wrong with taking your meds to allow your body to heal. Why should it be any different when it is emotional/mental damage rather than physical?

hypatia42: (Default)
I've chosen to drink nothing but raw milk for a few days. I am really hoping this will help the bloating I have been having and the over digestive distress I have been in. If nothing else it ought to give me a reset.

All of my lab tests came back saying my colon is normal and healthy. All I can think is it was stress induced. Better than many other options but some answers would have been nice. Doctors, despite all of their knowledge still don't know everything.

In other news, I apparently put on weight under stress. I know a lot of people who lose weight under stress. I managed to go up despite a week on a clear liquids diet. *headdesk* My weight is really starting to bother me. One problem at a time, I know. It is negatively effecting my mental state at this point tho and I really don't need help in that category.

After the milk thing I will be stepping onto the induction phase of Atkins/South Beach with the Honey. No more junk for a while. Junk being a relative term meaning anything that has carbs.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
mom has two different types of breast cancer. All of the lymph nodes they took out showed presence of tumor cells. Friday she gets a port put in for her coming treatments. Monday she gets PET and bone scans to find out if the cancer has spread further than they thought.

Colonoscopy showed a normal healthy colon. The biopsy results haven't come back for me yet. It seems likely that I will be sent to a gastroenterologist. I don't know yet.

Paraphrasing the Honey, "I am outside my scope of practice here. It seems to me that if you are asking whether or not you should be on medication you should probably talk to someone who can give you a professional opinion on that." I'm paraphrasing because after I said those words to him he said, "See I didn't even know how to say that in words that made sense. You have a better chance at this than I do."

Amy Kippur was lovely. Low key and chill with chosen family, good food, and entertainment. The weather cooperated and has been lovely all week so far. I wish I felt like I had turned a corner and that things were looking up. Mostly I am tired and want to sleep all the time. *see professional

What I don't know is if I need meds or I need counseling or some combination of both. So little of what I have scheduled to do for myself this year to regain spoons and start being a functioning human again has gone horribly wrong in such a way as to prevent me from getting the good I needed out of it. It is bad enough that I am not really seeing positive things right now. I can see the stress that it is putting on the Honey and I wish I could send him on a retreat all alone with no laptop or phone. I would benefit from it too but I can't help but feel like he would get more out of it if I weren't there.

I am doing what I can to forcibly lift my spirits. I am taking my supplements. I grabbed a bottle of Gaba to start on as well. I stopped drinking alcohol. I am trying to eat better for me things. Mostly I have indigestion and don't want to eat.



Aug. 16th, 2015 10:43 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Another in the list of "well that just happened" sorts of events. spiritual growth and woo )
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
10 hours after getting home from [personal profile] onyxtwilight's grand sending off like a king of old my mom texted me to let me know that she has cancerous masses in both breasts. Nope. No more adulting was done that day.

I have very little information. My mom is rather intelligent about many things but she is not very educated about medical things. I hope she is able to take people with her to appointments who can translate over the next few weeks.


Jul. 27th, 2015 01:49 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I have been a pain convert for a while now. Not that I like pain or wish to cause it in others. No. I realized some time ago that the ability to feel pain is preferable to feeling nothing.

I am slowly building relationships with people who feel the same way. The "Yes I am broken in some ways but I am living life to the best of my ability given my limitations" people are inspiring for me. Earlier today I was wishing that I could have a day of feeling well and rested. Just now I made the connection that I haven't taken pain meds though I had been living on them for over a week now. I may not be good but I am better. I am making progress.

When clients come to me I give them two treatment options. Do you want to feel good or do you want to get better? Both are totally reasonable approaches to treatment. It all depends on your goals.

I like better.


hypatia42: (Default)

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