I guess its that time of year again. Introspective. Quiet. Dark enough that I'm going to go mad. I wonder if the reason this doesn't set in until after the holidays is because we are so much doped up on sugar and parties and familial expectations. Honestly I just wonder about too much this time of year.
I think too much. I don't believe there is a way out of this. I've never found one. Keep moving I guess. Put one foot in front of the other. Less than 12 days until I get freed from the boot. At least then walking will be easier. PT last week said I am doing well. Still feel so cooped up though. Taking deep breaths and trying my best to roll with it.
I asked the Honey what he wanted, if he was happy or merely content. I want him to be happy. I am also afraid that I am holding him back. Its not a rational fear so don't go lecturing me. I feel inadequate and broken so I am projecting. I get that. Doesn't keep me from having to deal with the feeling.
I started chanting to myself earlier, "I am strong, I am whole, I am able." I am beyond elated that I get to go to Hawai'i. Pending Dr's approval I am going to get scuba certified. I am scared and excited and really looking forward to going. I wonder if I will just want to stay. I thought that about Greece but no, the air is poisonous there. I pondered the idea that upon global economic meltdown Hawai'i might actually be the best place to be. Isolated yet populous. Capable of being self sufficient, it once was and really it is the global economy that is preventing it from being so now. Fresh water available. I would be killed for being a white girl... everything has a downside.
What it comes down to is that I haven't found a place that works better than here. I can't work hard enough to support myself on HI. I know that. Then my brain goes round again to me being inadequate and broken. I ought to be able to work a full time job. Last time I tried that I got so sick. Hell last time I tried working 20 hours a week I got deathly ill, like 105 degree fevers multiple times in a summer. Badness.
My life works. Why I gotta poke at it? I am not moored by my limitations. I still choose to do things. Sometimes I use more spoons than I have but I am willing to accept those consequences. I travel places, see things, explore and help others see through joyous eyes the wonders of the world.
Fuckit. I should be working at getting photography available. *sigh* It is another thing that takes energy. And attention.
Anise is quite sure that I should pet her and stop worrying about silly things. Pepper is sure that I ought to be in bed cause she can't curl up next to me if I am not there.