hypatia42: (Default)
in which I talk about me and myself )Anyone know a good therapist in Mpls?

"I don't need to be in that spotlight.
I create my own glowing light."
hypatia42: (Default)
I love me some Girl Genius. Glad I can get that on my phone so I don't have to travel with Capri. Makes for less of a hair raising experience.

I may have condensed the amount of stuff I have to bring. Oh wait. This is the first time ever I have.showed up halfway thru the week. That probably has something to do with it. Need to remember to grab my wicks out of the garage.

I discovered something just now, I feel more like a real member of Hubris after this weekend past. I think some of the people I talked to wondered how we could be members of a troupe we rarely see much less perform with but the simple act of practicing with the intent of geting better seems to have cemented things in my head in a way nothing else has. I've reached out to these people when I've been at very low points in my life and always found a kind word or a helping hand. I know really awesome people.

I've almost filled my photo book. I think this means I need to find another. :-D. Love it!

The Honey is not coming this trip. Tonight we signed contract on the painting of the exterior of our house. He has to get the interior ready. Other contracts seem to be moving apace. This is goo. Assuming we can find someone to rent the place that is. Al this adds up to me being alone at fsg by choice. I'm bringing his hoodie as a woobie. Is ratty, stained, and ripped but it is perfect. I may steal his pillow case too.

I will check my world tomorrow against the Honey brain nd anything both of us have forgotten will just have to be missed.

I wonder if I can convince him to wander down to the Modern Times cafe for breakfast...

*boggle*

Jun. 14th, 2011 12:37 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Packing woes. I'm looking at the things I need to bring to FSG and half of it is costuming. I'm not sure how this is going to work. The amount of clothing required for a clothing optional event is ironic.

In other news, I have been looking at pictures of the life that diverged from mine 5ish years ago. Oh the things that could have been. Timing sucks and then you move on with life. Cursed with being able to see potentials and the reality behind the masks is an interesting, if bittersweet, way to live life.

5 years ago I was on my way to FSG for the first time. Or would that be four? I think this will be my 5th one so maybe four years? Time is mutable. Go with it. I had just received a call from a beloved telling me that all was well despite the scare and wishing me well for my trip. I would meet a lover in less than a day. Life changed. Then changed again several weeks later. Then again several months later. Years later I was offered something I wanted and turned it down because I have rules about honesty. No blame, no condemnation, some grief and sadness.

The world turns and people change. Here I am again, back at the beginning of my spiral, one level up from growth and change, traveling to FSG without a partner to see what else I can do to grow and change and be who I need to be before I need to be it so I can learn the next lesson and make sure my spiral keeps going up. I don't fancy being a record stuck in the same groove skipping back and back and back. That's just not my style.

So I pack. and I do laundry. and I wonder what else will change and where I will go.
hypatia42: (Girl Genius)
I'm having an emotional day. Very variable. Its coming to a close now and I'm just feeling ill. Surly, irritable, pissy, reactionary, you know, all those wonderful things that people want to deal with.

I think I'm going to have to tell my other boss that I can't work Thursdays. Its just too draining. I really do need Thursday off in between the two days I work for Dr. Even though its remarkably easy work. All I did today was sit and read.

I'm getting irritable partly because I am done with having L so far away. I didn't get to spend much time with him at FSG and I think its showing. I had grand plans of planning when I would be spending time with whom and boy did that back fire. Every single person I was supposed to be spending time with in a chunk of time had something come up such that I couldn't. They simply weren't available. L had to take his sick child home to family. Totally understandable. M had to go grocery shopping and it had unforseen problems with that. I could go on but it would probably depress me further. I can say that Capt G was damn near on time for an artist but well, I was paying him to be there now wasn't I?

I'm tired because I'm trying to get more ducks in a row to get my own business going. I'm scared and I don't know if I've got what it takes to do this on my own. I'm not a particularly good leader. I do my own thing for the most part. You've gotta have a drive to start a business on your own and really the only thing I have drive for is loving people and taking care of myself. I can't make a living on that. Not even part time.

I am really thrown by plans changing. I'm not good at dealing with it. I will do my best to sit with this and go with the flow. I will do my best to be present with myself and communicate what I find out there.

I identify with Anita Blake a bit too much sometimes. Sometimes its really hard to be in my skin. Days like today I just want to curl up in a ball and be petted.

I miss having uncomplicated sex. I'm not seeing it on the horizon for me. Is it always this time of year that these feelings come up? I know it has come up before. I may have to go look. It has been an evening of wanting what I don't have right now. Sadly, some of what I'm wanting is no longer in my life and likely won't be again.

Can I just blame all this emoting on hormones and move on? I'm tired and can't sleep. I'm irritable and pissy with no reason. That could all be hormones right?

Pet me?

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