hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I had a difficult childhood for several reasons. A major contributing factor was diagnosed when I was in middle school, ADD. I was on meds at the time but pretty much everyone I talk to says that the meds available at the time were pretty awful. I chose to go off of them and proceeded to self medicate with caffeine for the next 25 years. Some serious drawbacks to using that as my method of coping. Anxiety is one.

Fast forward to yesterday. I go in for my first session with the Dr who is going to be doing the testing required to medicate for ADD at this point. I had a bunch of paperwork to fill out before arriving. I cried a lot filling it out. In spite of being on Adderall for 6ish weeks now I am still struggling. Looking at the questions I felt so fucked up, trying to make myself answer them all was a fight. Honestly I was terrified that she was going to take one look at everything and tell me that I needed to get over it, that there was nothing wrong with me.

She asked me what brought me back to getting meds and thus her for testing. I started explaining my year and how utterly beyond my ability to cope I am, that the counselor at my PCs office had suggested I try treating the ADD again to give myself the leg up to start dealing with the other things. I told her that no one had ever explained to me before what ADD was and how it functioned in my brain. Dave the counselor asked me at my first visit what strategies I use to help trigger my frontal cortex and I was totally confused. In the weeks that followed I realized that I already do a lot of the things that he suggested to help me manage things.

She asked me what I do. After telling her she smiled and said it is always fun to see what ADD adults do to manage and thrive in our society. Apparently there are more than a few who go into business for themselves. Retail is another one that is common. I do both. She began talking about the other physical issues I have, fibro and hypermobility, and how they can contribute to my ADD being more difficult to manage. She also brought up that the more stress I am under the less I am going to be able to cope because it takes so much more energy for me to just function through a day to day schedule than I does most people.

"I want you to know that you are not broken. You are different. You process things differently. There is nothing wrong with you." After the childhood I had, it is REALLY hard to believe it when someone says things like that. But this is her profession, the medical community knows so much more than they used to about atypical brain function, and I believe her. Another weight was taken off my chest, similar to the one that lifted when Dave said that I was dealing with concrete overwhelming situations.

There is nothing wrong with me. I already do a lot of the things that make it easier for my atypical brain to function in this society. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff, being overwhelmed is okay. So is getting help.

I need to time my taking Adderall better so I can still take my supplements, which need to be taken on an empty stomach.

Today I feel hope.


May. 24th, 2012 11:06 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
after an email from my half-aunt I am left feeling bereft of my niece and wondering if I will be 75 when I finally get the chance to reconnect with her. How interesting the patterns than families repeat though they do not know them.

So many of my children are hurting or in flux right now and I am powerless to do anything about it save keep loving them and letting them know that it is unconditional.

I have a list of people I want to get into a car with a red and black aluminum baseball bat, drive to their house and beat into hamburger. I don't know that I would really feel better but I'm pretty sure that my children would be safer and the world would be a better place.


S looks so much like me.

Apparently rheumatoid problems and fibro run in my family. I never knew.

Nite folks. I'm for sleep. Can't brain any longer.


hypatia42: (Default)

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