hypatia42: (Default)
I joined weight watchers yesterday. Today I heard the song "Starting Over" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Made me tear up and feel better about myself all at once. One day at a time.

I remember this feeling from before. Constantly leaking energy to think about food. Forcing myself to eat enough food. Knowing that those extra calories will help me lose the weight I want to lose again. It feels weird tho. I don't generally make poor food choices. I'm just not good at remembering to eat. I don't like having to devote that much energy and thought to it.

My body is telling me to suck it up and devote that energy anyway. Be mindful of what you put into your mouth.

I'm finding that I really like the feeling I get after eating avocados. I'm mixing them into all kinds of things lately. Kinda like potato salad but ...different?

Major storm system moving through. :)

Pepper annoys me. She's a bully. She's mouthy. I don't like her. I am going to try Feliway to see if both of them will chill out a bit. I don't want to dislike one of my cats. How long does the transition stuff generally take?

last night I performed a fire ritual asking for healthy sustaining community. I need people around me who can help me meet my needs. Right now I don't have that. I don't know how to achieve it. So I released it and will see what comes back.

I dreamed of my ex the other night and wasn't troubled by the experience. Something major has shifted. Granted, my dreams have been truly bizarre lately. But it feels nice to know that fear is gone. :) I suppose it is likely that all of these things are coming together at once for a reason.

I have let go of all aspects of self doubt that I have access to
I have let go of my ability to have an inaccurate self image
I have let go of the ability to eat thoughtlessly
I welcome healthy sustaining community
hypatia42: (Default)
12:18 at the start of this post. I was exhausted and trying not to fall asleep at the table after dinner. Now I am wide awake. Might be the energy of the storm. It has calmed down now though. Just raining at this point. I hope the things I planted are enjoying it.

The rosemary shrub wants to go outside. I think it will probably be ok at this point. I am a little scared for it though. Have to get the Honey to cart it down the steps.

Two years ago I was trying to figure out how to recover from the worst car accident I have ever been in. The 26th passed without note for which I am grateful. Last year the Honey threatened to keep me in all day or wrap me in bubblewrap. Which he did to make me laugh because he knows that there is no way I would let him do something like that to me. It worked. I laughed. He told me to be careful. I did. All was well. This year I am doing better than I have in a long time. I can work, still less hours than I ought to be able to but I am doing well for myself and I feel like I am doing what I *need* to be doing.

People upon hearing that I was in two car accidents in 10 months will often say things like, "I'm never getting in the car with you," as though MVAs are a disease you can catch. It doesn't seem to matter that I wasn't even driving in the second one or that there was no way I could prevent the first as I wasn't at fault. People are superstitious. Its a little sad and it makes me chuckle on occasion.

Over the weekend I dreamed I was visiting a "renfaire" that I have dreamed about several times before. The people who were there or going with me changed but I remember the scenery. Tomcat's girlfriend for one. Why I would be dreaming about her I do not know. She is super sweet though. They might yet make it. I hope so.

The ice cream I tried to make before...something went wrong in the making of it. I'm not sure if the milk was on the verge of turning when I cooked it or if the cooking it did something strange but it is not right. It doesn't taste poisonous, just weird and tangy. Tangy ice cream is not so much what I was going for. I do wonder if it was the raw milk or if it was something I did. I've never cooked an ice cream, custard, or raw milk before. Lossa variables there.

It shedding season. The girl cannot effectively groom herself any longer though she still tries. This means I have to brush her and dear god she hates that. We need to make it a habit like giving her her pills. I have been avoiding it because she does hate it and it seems to hurt. She's getting mats though and that is worse for her than the brushing would be. She got used to taking pills. If I brush her a little bit regularly she might eventually be sorta ok with it. Right?

Time to find some extra motivation somewhere. I can do this.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I love when I can tell things have shifted from the old paradigm because my dreams rewrite history. That thing that went so badly? You did it right this time. You took care of yourself, you stood up for your needs, you moved on when you should have. Makes me feel like I will get it right next time.

Trying something new. Maybe sparky fire isn't what I want to be dealing with right now. I mean, instant chemistry is all well and good but it can burn you up. Mebbe a nice electric blanket will ward off the chill for a while.

Mom, I keep feeling like there are so many of my loved ones that are in crisis and there is nothing I can do. I know there is nothing I can do but I'm not good at feeling helpless. SO, I'm giving this to you. I can't keep holding on to it and living my life. I hope you can do something good with it.
hypatia42: (Girl Genius)
Last night I didn't sleep well again. I remember dreaming about Kitty Cat failing one of the neurological tests they gave her last Aug and passed. Apparently it is automatic to right your foot if it is put on the ground top down. I noticed that she was walking worse and did that test and this time she failed.
hypatia42: (Default)
In 23 minutes I have checked LJ and read up on my comics. I may have to kill the new girl in pink. I hope the castle does it for me, and soon.

I feel like I should be asking my body, "Why are we awake right now?" But that is a fruitless line of inquiry. I've been dreaming is probably the answer. Dreaming about gay boys I haven't seen in ages, about a play being rehearsed on the other side of a curtain where something about the shape of my hand holding a glass goblet required me to get dressed and go to the other side of the curtain to help out, about reading, noticing it was going to storm, peacfully packing up and taking cover to read some more. It was not nearly as comfortable inside as it was outside. The chairs were lackluster. But the lighting was decent and I could finish the book despite the storm.

I wonder if I got to close to the hops last night in Present Moment. ;)
Monday I started my new job. The mgr seems to like working with me just fine. According to the owner "has nothing but glowing reviews for you." Owner managed to figure out that I am more outgoing than his entire staff so as soon as I can be trusted with the job I'll be running the tastings on Sat. Says he wants me interacting with people as much as possible. Not a problem, I wouldn't have taken a job at the frickin Mall of America if I didn't want to interact with people.

Body needs to relearn how to stand for hours on end. Mind needs to remember to ask how lunch and breaks are handled. Didn't do that the other day. Had a couple of beef sticks and two bottles of water but that does not a meal make. Need to remember to not get a chai everyday I work too. Sooo not good for the calorie count.
I got officially accepted to school yesterday. I went down there, put in the tuition deposit, got a bunch of papers to read and some to fill out. Very exciting for me. What I have committed to do in the next year is mold my hands into tools that will take me through the next phase of my life.

I kinda wonder how long we'll be here past me graduating. I also wonder if the Honey has any opinion on that... I miss KC but some of the reasons I left are still valid. It is much easier for me to live like a human being here. I miss the mountains and the ocean rather desperately but something tells me the Honey would have an opinion about moving so far away from his family.

I miss the mountains and ocean enough that I have been moved to tears everytime I have seen them lately. Looks like I might get to go to Denver in late Aug. That would be lovely. Not ocean and mountains but definitely mountains.
Headed to KC for Labor Day weekend. Going to help Berkie open shop and get things moving there. See family and not give them too much of my energy. I did pretty well this past visit. I think going out to faire on Sat instead of Sun would be good. And I have to decide if I'm gonna be "naked" or not. I don't really know. Seems silly to go naked since the Honey got the shoes he's wanted so he'd be able to go in garb. It is also KS in early Sept. Likely to be beastly. Who am I kidding, I'm going to go in garb.


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